Myfault

My mother is the only person who cares about me and I treat her very badly. My mum is always pushing me to do better. Make friends and socialise, get a new job and make more money, get a new car, clean the house up and get a girl friend.

I don't know if my mum realises how miserable and sad I am. I blame my mother for all my problems and she blames herself. She is literally the only person who calls me to see how I am and I push her away swearing at her and threatening her. I think she called me "by accident" after our conversation crying and said it was a mistake. I should feel terrible about the way I speak to my mother but somehow it relieves me of a lot of my troubles.

I am putting all my issues on my mother and causing her significant stress. I don't know how she feels because its all about me. Everything is about me and my troubles. I feel bad about how I speak to her but I think it is more about pushing her away and completely isolating myself. Once I am completely isolated is when I really consider whether my life is worth living. Fortunately or unfortunately, (depends on which way you want to look at it) she will never let that happen.

She will call again tomorrow, sometimes I wish she would let me be but I would be no better off. I love my mother more than anything and she knows that. I got clean and straightened my life out for my family with my mums support. No matter how much trouble I caused her she was always there for me. I feel bad treating her so poorly but she brings the worst out in me.

I hope my mum doesn't feel like she has failed as a mother. I think she feels bad because I am not happy, hurting and suffering.

I think she just wants me to be happy. She is not stupid and can see that I am miserable and hates seeing me this way.

#mum #motherslove #NeverGiveUp #Support #alwaysthere #reallove #Family #Truelove #Care #caring #Love #chillout #calmdown #emotional #respectful #Myfault #ownership #notherfault #mystory #Decisions #onlylove #imwrong #help #sheltered #supportive #EverythingWillBeOkay #Hope

When I was younger (16-19) I worked with someone and never understood that he was grooming me. Once I quit and moved away a friend helped me understand what happened. I opened up to this friend. He listened and gave advice. However what I didn’t realize for 3 months was that he was doing the same thing but in a little different way.

These guys played with my emotions. One of them fantasized abkht cheating on his wife and wanted me to send photos. I got uncomfortable and afraid. I drew the line and blocked all contact. It’s been a lot better since I stopped talking to him. The other guy who I thought was my friend and helped me through the first incident, wanted more. I enjoyed feeling turned on with his words but I never wanted him to touch me for real.

My mental health went to an all time low. For weeks the depression worsened. Another friend advocated for me. She was there for me 24h a day every day. She actually cared for me like no one I’d ever talked to. She was the one who helped me through these experiences. Eventually, she convinced me and he was blocked on social media too. Still I’ve never blocked his cell number. And occasionally I get messages. I got one prior to my birthday. On my birthday. Valentine’s Day. And he still wants me.

I want to not be afraid to be around him. I don’t want to be triggered by these pop up messages. I can’t get rid of him completely because he’s a friend of the family. That makes it worse. He’ll never be really gone.

I hated myself for not paying attention when they were grooming me. I never had a S. O. I thought that they liked me. Well they did, however it wasn’t what I thought.

I’ve beat myself up so much over the last year. I still feel that everything that happened is my fault. It’s not... but I can’t stop feeling like I’m a bother to people and that it would be better if I weren’t there.

I don’t know what I want to come out of writing this. If you made it this far- thanks for my rambling.

#grooming #Trauma #Depression #Anxiety #tired #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm #imsorry #hopeless #Myfault #IntrusiveThoughts

partner blaming me for row when he started it over me asking why he needed access to my home camera to then have him get the hump and say it coz I want blokes round. saying if cheated. feeling so angry and triggered but being strong

My therapist and I recently started doing trauma work. I always knew I have had bad experiences in the past, but I guess I just sorta shoved it under the rug because it’s not rape and it’s not child abuse, so therefore it doesn’t really count as trauma and I should just get over it, right? I feel like it’s technically my fault, because I wasn’t forced into doing anything sexual, and I never said no. I mean, I might have quietly said no, or umm a few times, but I’ve never actually really tried to get any of the guys to stop. Saying “I did this for you, now you should do this for me” when I didn’t even want him to do what he “did for me” doesn’t count as sexual assault. For all he knew, he had my consent, he was just being a horny asshole about it. I’m really struggling to put a label or some kind of name on this, because I’m the one who didn’t stand up for myself...