Ten years ago this afternoon, I attempted to kill myself for the first time. It was my first of two attempts (October 2017 in case you were wondering).
In many ways it was the worst moment of my life. It was rock bottom. It should have been the last day of my life. Ten years later, in a weird way, I see it as one of the best days of my life for the simple reason that it wasn't my last.
My depression's still a part me, but in a mostly admiring healed state. I've discarded the behaviors that come from it which do not serve me. The work to get to where I am is no small feat.
It's taken a lot of selfcare and Parts Work Therapy. Mental health doesn't take a day off. From 2012-2020, it was another fulltime job for me.
There's been three key pieces to getting to where I am today.
The first and most important has been therapy. Having a safe space to be honest, open, and vulnerable is the foundation of any mental health journey. More over, I needed coping mechanisms and behavior changes developed by a trained and experienced professional who knew my background. I never got on medication, but there were points where I was close.
The second is my relationship with my depression itself. Detangling what needs to be healed, what needs time, and what needs to be removed from my life has been a long progress. My depression, or rather my depressed self, will always be a part of me and my history.
The majority of him is recovered. Parts of him have been removed or moved on from. Marcus Aurelius had a great quote, saying "Today I escaped anxiety. Or no, I discarded it, because it was within me, in my own perceptions, not inside."
I empathize with those parts of Depressed Matt. But they were not grounded in reality, healthy, or useful. It took years to identify those pieces and go through that process.
The last key to a decade of recovery has been my community. There was a great scene towards the end of this week's episode of Ted Lass (Season 3, Episode 9, "La Locker Room Aux Folles").
A character reveals something personal, vulnerable, and potentially controversial about themselves. The collective response is one of support, "we don't care," as in "it does not bother us. We don't see you differently. We support you."
Ted interrupts and adds on to the reaction in his own inimitable way, saying "we don't not care. We care very much. We care about who you are and want you must've been going through. From now on, you don't have to go through it all by yourself."
It was one thing for me to tell people I was depressed and planning to end my life. It was another thing for them to "not care" or judge. But really what mattered is nearly every person I've told has supported me and joined my team.
I alive and thriving today because at no point in the last decade have I been alone. I have no reservations talking about it publicly because of that. Furthermore, it's allowed me to "not not care" for every person who's ever confided in me about their mental health, ten years on and counting.
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
Ralph Waldo Emerson #newday
Trying to leave yesterday where it belongs. ❤️☀️ I hope your new day finds you with new joys.
Please send me some positive vibes. Feeling like I’m going further down due to Covid, no job, where did my friends go I think they left because they couldn’t take my depression. I am in between my husband And sister Who did not have a place to stay so he said stay here and now it’s going on too long. My daughter has my love and it’s affecting her she does not want to come by me anymore we have to go to her house which is an hour away. I’m just feeling real down. I try to please everyone myself. I’m not pulling the crybaby blame card But I am. I don’t hear from my friends I text them and they just text me maybe two or three words back not like it used to be. I’m just so down and lonely I make jewelry, my wreaths , i’m trying to set up an account online I get so confused PayPal and all that jazz. I try to learn everything on my own I do ask my husband or daughter and they just get frustrated. I want my life back. I really never post anything about myself but going down and I need some happiness from people on this group. Help me through the day. I wish you all the best ❤️#newday #stopYelling at me ##Daughter please don’t leave me
Right so a few months after cheating on me and breaking my heart, my ex (who was telling me he still “loved” me even a few weeks ago) is now officially sleeping with someone else and posting about it on social media! These past few months have been the most humiliating and excruciatingly painful months of my life. I can’t explain the sort of heartbreak I have been through and how much I loved this person who emotionally abused me for two years. BUT I managed to get through these few months without giving into my addictions. Smoked a little pot now and then but none of the hard stuff and I’m proud of myself for that, despite having been in a really dark space mentally. But I’m ready to pull myself out of that space now and move on, even if I don’t have any closure. What do you do when you’re trying to start a new chapter and give yourself a new beginning? I’m still working from home because of the pandemic, don’t really have access to outdoor spaces but I go swimming twice a week. Would love any advice on what else I can do to keep myself from looking back and just move forward instead #movingforward #struggling #Depression #newday
Hi there Mighty Warriors! A new day-another day-to #cope -to tackle-to #embrace -to try -to #Hope -to make #change , My yesterday was pretty sh#tty 💩 Today's just GOTTA be #AGoodDay ...... at least a bit #better - need a #peaceful day -a #relaxing day. ....#peace of #mind , #body & #spirit ..... Less #Pain & #aggravation .
Good morning, #mightywarriors !!! Yesterday i slipped into a huge swamp of negativity. I felt/feel disappointed myself. Today I will do better (at least I'm gonna try my darnedest!) Excessive physical pain was a large issue, but no excuse. I'll do better today!( even if that means sleeping thru it to catch up on the sleep I missed tonight! hehehe😉☺( it's still the middle of the night - 4am).....
Good Morning, Everyone . Up since 1am after a good 10 hrs of desperately needed sleep & I'm feeling so so much better. #SleepDeprivation had me too vulnerable to getting too overly- emotional,& too easily frustrated & I behaved badly by losing my cool. I hate when that happens. It's my pet peeve about myself.