nomore

What do I do next? The US has stopped manufacturing and importing the one single drug that helps my pain ! Since this happened, my pain management dr has dropped me bc I refuse a pain pump! #Ontheedge I had stage 4, squamous cell carcinoma of the anus and rectum treated with radiation and chemo! I have advanced AS, OA, PSA, Gout, Scoliosis, Osteoperosis, Multiple joint and spine surgeries that all failed, side effects from chemo and radiation that are literally killing me and I can not get two seconds of pain relief !!!!!Hospitals call me a pill seeker and drs dismiss me bc they cannot fix me or bc I know my body and my history and am an informed patient ! I HATE doctors I HATE I have no hope left
I HATE that there is NOTHING OF ME HERE ANYMORE! I used to be a vibrant, amazing and productive human, wife, mother and daughter! I am nothing now; rotting flesh! PTSD is real and no one is taking me seriously There is only so much one woman’s body and mind can stand! I am broken and there are no bandaides left ;I am going to start to look into legal, assisted suicide, and when I’m gone, please use my story to let the FDA, The AMA and the entire medical community that my pain My fear My Death, is on them and only them #lackofpainmanagement #baddrs #killingme #toomuch #nomore #opioidepidemicmyfoot

Now a days I Expect things to happen. I expect people to be rude,manipulative etc. I expect people to not understand me. Then when someone is kind and understanding it actually scares me a bit. I have come to accept that this is me. I’m not gonna fight with it there’s no point. It will create more of a struggle if I keep fighting it.

She lies in bed awake
The nightmares are what keeps her awake
Eyes shut so tightly
Tears still escaped
Her body... her hands shaking as she held them tightly
She can feel the weight on her
She feels dirty
She feels pain
She feels ashamed
She wants to die
Trying not to scream... compressed into whimpers
She tried to keep it all in
Everything haunts her
She's trying to keep herself together
but she's gonna break
She wants to say something
To scream
To be heard
Means no more hiding behind the shame she feels
No more hiding in the darkness
But... she can't
She doesn't have the strength to
Not strong enough
It's too much
She dying anyway... inside
No hope left
She often wonders if anyone she cared about will be better off without her?
She prayed to God, " Please take care of them."
The pain she feels becomes unbearable
She reached for the blade
She did what she had to do
She thought it was better this way
"Father, please forgive me... for what I am about to do."
Blood... feels so warm
She can feel herself slipping away.... fading
Then the eternal silence begins.
                 ---- SV

#Depression#Suicide#eternalsilence #nomore

#Pledge2EndBullying

I've been going through a hard time lately. I've been dealing with a lot of #PTSD stuff. It's made my Crohn's flare up, I fell back onto old behaviours for a while, I was kicked out of a treatment program after refusing to go back to residential. I'm doing okay. I'm getting better. I know it will get better. I am, however, tired of feeling like I have to wear long sleeves because I am really ashamed of this. I am ashamed of the scars. I feel guilty. Simultaneously I feel like screaming that “it’s not fair”, that “it’s not my fault”, that “I did not choose this.” This past week has been hard. I'm in the midst of a bad #CrohnsDisease flare up, and hearing #drchristineblaseyford give her testimony set off some triggers. It far from easy, unlike the tears that came with it. This week I saw my dad break down in tears; I heard him talk about how he wishes he could take back the trip he and my mom took when I was eight; where I stayed behind and was brought into a sexual trafficking situation. #WhyIDidntReport is because I was terrified that they would come back and make good on their promise to take me away forever, and decapitate my parents in front of me. I was eight, and I was being threatened with a gun, before I even really knew what a gun was. There are things I remeber, and things I don't. What I do know is that #ibelievesurvivors #iamasurvivor #MeToo #wearenotalone #istandwithsurvivors #nomore #TimesUp #timeisnow #iamafighter #timesupnow