My life has been - and is - a hot mess... and I'm lost
I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder in 2019, and today, after 1.5 months at a treatment facility, not only was I bumped up to bipolar 1, I was given a new diagnosis of having borderline personality disorder.
I wasn't surprised about bipolar 1, but the BPD has put me in a tailspin. The more I've read and learned about BPD the more I am CERTAIN that I suffer from both disorders. From a logical standpoint, I am "on board" with these diagnoses as I can check off nearly every box on the giant lists of symptoms. Add in the ADHD and I am... a hot mess of a person.
I'm now questioning my own thoughts and feelings - are they valid and true or are they some sort of warped reality that I'm living in... some imagined fantasy life. Have all of my life experiences with people been lies, bull$hit and untruth/fantasy? Have I lived a fake but utterly destructive life up to this point? Am I living it currently?
Using logic, I understand who I am. But emotionally I don't know who I am anymore, and fear that my entire life has been filled with beliefs and destructive behaviors that *I created - every awful thing has been solely because of who I am.
I'm having a really tough time with all of this. I feel like I'm a tornado of a person who destroys everything in sight... I don't know how to move forward.
I'm worried I might have to once again leave my daughter at home without her Mom-Mom because I'll need to go back to the treatment facility. I'm becoming crippled with anxiety, paranoia, depression and shame.
ANY advice or insight will be received with wide open arms and a grateful heart. Thank you for taking the time to read - it's been a long time since I've been on The Mighty and I'm so glad to be back ❤️