Spiraling

I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder in 2019, and today, after 1.5 months at a treatment facility, not only was I bumped up to bipolar 1, I was given a new diagnosis of having borderline personality disorder.

I wasn't surprised about bipolar 1, but the BPD has put me in a tailspin. The more I've read and learned about BPD the more I am CERTAIN that I suffer from both disorders. From a logical standpoint, I am "on board" with these diagnoses as I can check off nearly every box on the giant lists of symptoms. Add in the ADHD and I am... a hot mess of a person.

I'm now questioning my own thoughts and feelings - are they valid and true or are they some sort of warped reality that I'm living in... some imagined fantasy life. Have all of my life experiences with people been lies, bull$hit and untruth/fantasy? Have I lived a fake but utterly destructive life up to this point? Am I living it currently?

Using logic, I understand who I am. But emotionally I don't know who I am anymore, and fear that my entire life has been filled with beliefs and destructive behaviors that *I created - every awful thing has been solely because of who I am.

I'm having a really tough time with all of this. I feel like I'm a tornado of a person who destroys everything in sight... I don't know how to move forward.

I'm worried I might have to once again leave my daughter at home without her Mom-Mom because I'll need to go back to the treatment facility. I'm becoming crippled with anxiety, paranoia, depression and shame.

ANY advice or insight will be received with wide open arms and a grateful heart. Thank you for taking the time to read - it's been a long time since I've been on The Mighty and I'm so glad to be back ❤️

#BPDDiagnosis #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #ADHD #Broken #help #Anxiety #SleepDeprivation #MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #Shame #Spiraling #lost #Depression

It’s wild how one wrong thought sends me down a spiral of self hate, self loathing, thinking everyone hates me, thinking of every trauma I’ve ever experienced and ultimately fixating on the thought of how much I should disappear. Cheers for a fkd brain. 🎉🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
#Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #sad #Spiraling #SexualTrauma i hate this. I just want to be. But that seems impossible. I just want to escape from all of these unstable emotions and mental agony

I am finding no joy a lot of day, low a lot of days, I cant do much with my husband, can't go anywhere with my kids. Grandparents aren't watching kids so that I get a break from them... I feel like im #Spiraling . No air... #Drowning , then #Guilt for wanting alone time from my kids. So here i sit. At home... trying to smile trying to be. Just trying. How do I overcome. How do I find some joy in the MUNDAIN whilst living with BPD???

Do you ever just start spiraling with no apparent trigger? Like you’re fine and going about your night and then your just, crying in the fetal position in bed? Because I’m there rn and it’s terrifying and I don’t know what’s wrong but nobody is here and nobody will be here because I live alone...
At least when there’s a trigger I know how to fix it. #Anxiety #PTSD #Depression #Spiraling #PanicAttack

I don't hate this social distancing. But it has shown me that I am usually the one reaching out to others, offering help and support. Now I realize my worth is so insignificant that no one reaches out to me. Now I'm left not even depressed, but numb. Thinking about further isolation and cutting just to prove I can feel something. I haven't self- injured in years. But I don't want to matter just because I confess to anyone that I'm battling myself. Looking for clarity for these #Bipolar #Borderline racing, lonely thoughts.

With a sense of #despair and #hopelessness , I write. Reaching out to those that may relate might give me a bit of #peace . I'm #frightened , and my mental health #symptoms are slowly #Spiraling me into #SurvivalMode . Looking for the next threat. Searching for safety. Experiencing uncertainty. I am full of fear, but I know I am not alone. I'll keep fighting because I am a #Survivor.

#BipolarDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #Fibromyalgia #Addiction #Recovery #wellness #Health

I was doing fine and then anxiety just snuck up on me and now I can’t sleep. I have bipolar2, just moved, looking for a job, doctor and now everything feels like it’s stalling.

I’m trying to be okay, trying to be prepared without going so overboard I’m making it hard for other people to be prepared. I just feel helpless right now and my brain won’t turn off.

Recently, I’ve been feeling like I’m spiraling downwards. I’ve been pushing off, important things I need to do, I’ve been making excuses for everything, and my mood is like a tornado, never to know where it will lead me. It’s been extremely stressful these last few months. I need to plan a wedding, in my home country of Germany, with my fiancé, that’s Italian-American with dual citizenship. And let me tell you, I’ve never hated German bureaucracy more in my goddamn fucking life. From horrible opening hours to, OHHH we’re not open on Mondays or weekends. I also should clean up my apartment, which by the way, I haven’t done in weeks. And then, there’s the big clock ticking over my head, that I need to empty out my home by mid April. So I’m running out of time, and my motivation is nowhere to be found. Giving up is not an option, I can’t let my fucked up head, and my unmotivated ass, get the best of me. I know I can do all of this, I did if before! I’ve packed up my whole life, and moved across the Atlantic before, so why shouldn’t I be able to do it now?! It’s just another move, just another episode of my head, not agreeing with my responsibilities, just another way, my ADHD is testing its limits. But I didn’t come this far, to just give in to it now. I’ve fought before and I’ll fight again this time.
I know I’m not the only one here, to have these problems. Hell, all you moms out there are superheroes to me, with your organization, planning, and executing of all the things you have to manage daily. So can we make a deal for just right now, and you’ll be my mom for a second, and you tell me how to get my head out of my ass, and get my shit done! Pretty please with a cherry on top? #needhelp #Unmotivatedperfectionist #stressmanagement #Anxiety #movingout #Cleaninghouseissues

I thought I could do it this time. The last two semesters were the hardest yet, but I was so sure I could handle it this time. I had a game plan.

I woke up with more than enough time. I was ready to leave in time for my first class, the one I was seriously dreading. And then I didn't. I went upstairs, said goodbye to my family, got in my car, and drove away. I had to pull over ten minutes later because I could feel the panic building up in me. My boyfriend called when I didnt respond to his questions over text. I didn't know how to explain to him that I was slipping up without disappointing him. Looking back I can't remember exactly what either of us said to each other, but I know that he told me it would be alright, but if I couldn't get to class safely then it was OK to work on breathing. I never texted my peers in that class. I never told my professor why I missed class.

How can I tell him that, this being my fourth class with him, he and his entire way of (lack of) structuring his class sends me into frequent anxiety attacks, and that the idea of having to have another "what can we do from here" conversation with him almost, almost, makes me want to drop out and abandon the career that genuinely makes me happy. Last semester I didn't go to any of his classes that last month because I had an anxiety attack before I could get to his class each week. I can't keep doing this.

My boyfriend is making me speak to our university's Care Team about all this Monday, but I'm dreading it so much. How can I explain this without sounding like some whiny student who doesn't like their professor? How am I supposed to accomplish this without waving my mental illnesses like a flag in their faces? The last thing I want to do is use them as excuses, but I'm at a loss for what else to do. I have to take a class with this professor each semester until I graduate spring 2021. He's the only professor for these classes. I can't avoid him.

I keep finding myself angry that I can't seem to do what I need to do, but I don't know how I can move on unless something changes. More than anything, I just want to graduate so I can focus on this career I love. I can't keep my current jobs in this field forever, realistically, because they won't be able to support me. I can't get a livable salary without this degree. My brain loves to jump the gun and remind me that if I had died last semester like I planned, then I wouldn't be dealing with this now, but I don't want to die. I want to make it through. How can I do it?

How do you power through and overcome?

.....
#Depression #Anxiety #CPTSD #University #College #MentalHealth #struggling #Spiraling #notokay #Advice #help

#Depression #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #boundariesarehard #self #Identity #Spiraling #Friendship #Relationships #PTSD #Hospital #balance #Guilt #Selfblame #Selfcare #Selfhate #Support #Loss

So I lost my best and only friend a week ago because I tried to set boundaries an she told me I wasn't allowed to and that boundaries are something both people make an set an discuss an ask to do first. She called me selfish and told me I could have fixed everything with one word except I said sorry for everything repeatedly over 20 times an the argument started over her saying I harassed and offended her over me giving her advice when SHE was the one asking for it an then said "WHY DOES EVERYONE ASSUME I MEAN XYZ I DIDN'T SAY THAT! I'M NOT STUPID!" I never called her stupid, I never said she didn't know something, and I didn't know anything about these "others" she was ranting about. I said I'm sorry others are being rude but I'm not an im not them or responsible for their actions. It escalated to the point of her saying she was self harming an that she was forced to wake up her parents an how they couldn't believe I'd do this/treat her like xyz. I said to be safe but I had to give a break because I need to be safe myself. She acted like I wasn't allowed to do this and continued to message me even when i needed space to BREATHE as I saw the convo going through spirals an circles an not healthy as it was "he said she said." Then told me my partner was abusing her for telling her off to stop talking to me an she wouldn't tolerate abuse and then blamed me saying I am supposed to defend HER always as her best friend/sis. As I needed space to think she told me I was triggering her by ignoring her because she saw I was online but not responding. I ended up being torn to pieces and interalizing a lot of pain an blame... that brought me to be forceabily taken to the hospital an all my rights taken away. My boyfriend while I was in hospital made the decision I ultimately couldn't because my head was spiraling so bad... he blocked her on my accounts on my computer. I'm STILL trying to cope an everything hurts so so bad. My therapist told me im trying to make sense of her reality that is impossible to as she is in her own world where the sky is purple and ground orange. I'm not sure what to do ultimately as she an I was the closest ive ever been with a friend an I'm terrified now of getting close to anyone. I also have BPD so I crave that really strong emotional bond with people an it feels like there's this huge gap in my life now an my brain wants to fill it but I know that's not healthy. I struggle to make connections and I love my boyfriend I really really do. But sometimes you need friends an other connections you know?

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