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Seeing through the clouds

I have been struggling with my pity parties again. My wallowing in self-pity annoys everyone. When I am honest about what I believe or how I feel...when my tears actually start rolling, my habit is to beat the living hell out of myself verbally. I came by it honestly. My mom used to call me names and dump responsibilities on me. I am not saying she wasn't doing her best. She was, but I was still the designated verbal stress relief beating taker. Now, I do it to myself. It's an atrocious habit and it leaves everyone rolling their eyes and if iring me until the "pity party" is over. Nevermind that those things are actually how I feel. What's important is that they are annoyed and I should grow up and keep that shit to myself..

I know better than to be honest about my feelings or to let my tears be seen. I know that no one wants to see that shit. I'm supposed to be pretty, quiet, complementary, and perfect. Everyone's definition of perfect, even if it means contradictory things.

I know better than to be honest. No one wants to hear it. I am supposed to suffer in silence with a believable smile on my face and worthwhile things to say.
#Pity #worthless


There's ̶b̶e̶a̶u̶t̶y̶  strength in the  ̶p̶a̶i̶n̶  survival

When I was a kid
My chest would fill
With intense pain
Every time I ran.

When I was fourteen
I got dizzy
And saw colours
Every prolonged stand

When I was fifteen
My fingers bent
Past normal and
I loved this misdeed.

Now I am sixteen
My chest fills
With intense pain
Regardless of speed.


I get dizzy
And see colours
Every time I stand.

(Orthostatic Hypotension.)

My body aches
And bends to lengths
Most can't understand.


I never knew
I could survive such pain,
Going day after day
Feeling mostly the same.
And for this,
They give me pity
Because they see not
Where I see beauty.
They see broken hearts
And shattered dreams,
Not the ashes
Where fire starts
And where hope gleams.
Not for me,
But for humanity.
This slight synecdoche
Displays the cores of
Human sanity:
Our resilience
Ceaseless pliantness
And strong ambition.
We stop at nothing
To stay alive
We keep going,
Continue to strive.

#Poetry #survival #Costochondritis #OrthostaticHypotension #Undiagnosed #Hypermobility #Dysautonomia #Pain #Pity #sickofpity #Beauty #BeautyInPain #beautyinsurvival #shattereddreams #Hope #humanity #resilience #Determination #pliantness #adaptability #ambition #strive #Disability #strength #MightyPoets #strengthinpain #strengthinsurvival #Teen #Poem #poets #Writing