Seeing through the clouds
I have been struggling with my pity parties again. My wallowing in self-pity annoys everyone. When I am honest about what I believe or how I feel...when my tears actually start rolling, my habit is to beat the living hell out of myself verbally. I came by it honestly. My mom used to call me names and dump responsibilities on me. I am not saying she wasn't doing her best. She was, but I was still the designated verbal stress relief beating taker. Now, I do it to myself. It's an atrocious habit and it leaves everyone rolling their eyes and if iring me until the "pity party" is over. Nevermind that those things are actually how I feel. What's important is that they are annoyed and I should grow up and keep that shit to myself..
I know better than to be honest about my feelings or to let my tears be seen. I know that no one wants to see that shit. I'm supposed to be pretty, quiet, complementary, and perfect. Everyone's definition of perfect, even if it means contradictory things.