Pushingaway

In the last few days, I've been feeling a wide range of emotions. Mainly because of my pushing people away. As much as I want to approach some that I've pushed away and apologize for my distant behavior, but I feel like the damage is beyond repair. I even feel like I should just give it all up. I unwittingly projected my fear of abandonment and other issues onto others and now I believe that I don't deserve forgiveness. Maybe it is better that I've been left behind and not expect anything more. #FearOfAbandonment #imsorry #Emotions #Sadness #aloneinlife #Pushingaway #Fear #silence #aloneinmymind

I’ve come to realize that I self sabotage my relationships with others and at times I’m fully aware of it. I like the people that I’m around, I appreciate them for who they are, but after a while I find that I need to distance myself from them because “ I can’t rely on them all the time” or “ I need to make my own way “. I do feel terrible about it and I know that I’ve unwittingly hurt somebody’s feelings behind this. Some time ago, I’ve come to the realization that I do have a form of abandonment issues. Everything could be great with me and another person and then I feel I have to jump ship. They are the innocent party in all of this. I find this to be true with in my friendships men. I like them, but I pull away because something inside me says that I’m not that important to them, that they have other people in mind, or to simply put it, I’m not good enough for them. There are moments when someone might ask where I’ve been, but no one has really been firm with me in a way that pushes me to look at this the way that it is. I can hold my own, but I’ve always felt that if I ever did have a relationship with someone, they would have to bring me back to focus, to keep me grounded and to make me come out of me “safe zone” so to speak. He’d have to be strong though, because I know that I can be stubborn and run the other way when it comes to my feelings and what I really want. I need for someone to tell me “No. We need to settle this.” Until then, I disappear out of fear that they would leave me first. #Depression #MentalHealth #FearOfAbandonment #abandonmentissues #Pushingaway #trustissues #abandonment #selfsabotage #SelfSabatoging

There are a lot of things in my my life that I felt I needed to push away so that I could heal from all of the things that I’ve dealt with. I’ve suppressed my feelings, I’ve made some decisions that may not have been that best for me emotionally, I’ve even pushed away a guy because I felt that it was better for me to leave him before he left me. I try to exercise patience, but it feels like I’m going nowhere fast, or even nowhere at all. Each day meets me differently: I’m either ok enough to get through the day, or I wake up feeling empty, lost, and lonely. I feel very, very confused. Yesterday, I wrote down all that I’ve been feeling, all of my habits, any and everything that I’ve did or done to just survive. A number of those things weren’t healthy and I felt that maybe I need more help than I thought. I’ve flipped flopped over this guy and my feelings for him. I find that I still care for him, I still pray for him, and just seeing him alone makes the world feel a little less dark. I find that I do feel very empty and isolated when he’s not around. Maybe I’m self sabotaging myself out of things that just might be good in the end... I have no idea what the future holds, but I really wish I had answers. #MentalHealth #Depression #confused #selfsabotage #patience #Hopeforthefuture #Loneliness #Emptiness #Pushingaway #Feelinglost

When you feel so hurt after someone says something or an event happened...
you go to your Boyfriend for comfort and when the answer and advise he gives is not something you want to hear or doesn’t make sense to you, You Scream and Yell at him and be Very Rude to him even telling him to Fuck Off because it doesn’t make sense and it angers and hurts you more...

Later Guilt Kicks In and you repeat the Cycle again...

Why can’t I just deal this hurt with myself instead of running to him and get hurt more again??
I know it’s because it’s really intense and hurts like a stab wound that you feel as though you need bandages and a cure but in the end you end up with more wound and even give him the wound... Why Can’t I Stop This??
I don’t want to hurt him
I know I’m being too much... #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #Pushingaway #Guilt #whatswrongwithme