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Really, really struggling

I am having a really tough time finding the motivation to keep doing anything. I feel like it is so hopeless, what's the point. I have been fighting this illness for 40 years (since I was about 10)

I have been on disability for 4 years. Health benefits ran out last year. My psychologist gives me one session for free every month, but that is definitely not enough, I can't pay for more and I can't make any progress.
This is my 3rd major episode with my MDD in 8 years (each time is worse than the last and I am so tired. I have tried everything, and I mean everything. Meds galore, ECT (which really helped but I won't do it again due to short term memory issues as a result of it), ketamine in conjunction with TMS (unsuccessful) and I am a crap magnet for side effects, like really bad. I had tendonitis in my calf once that wouldn't go away, I went to my doctor and her student came in first and just told me to lose weight( struggled all my life).
I told her I had been at my job for a over a decade, working on my feet, that my weight was stable, and I had not had an injury, no changes at all. She just shrugged so I went researching on all my meds....after hours and days, I found an article that stated that tendonitis was a possible side effect of hormone infused iud. IUD came out and the tendonitis disappeared in a few days.

I can't take sustained release because those make me have the very dark, twisty thoughts. Regular meds are just as tough with other unwanted side effects. I have the 2 meds I am on without side effects. 1 is at the daily max, and I can't tolerate increases of the other. I had to stop taking Xanax for my anxiety because it was causing nocturnal hypoxia, sometimes dangerously low 02. And all the other benzos are ruled out because, like Xanax, they have a very long half life is and that is the problem.

Everybody comes to me to solve things, and yet I can't fix myself, and have an elderly mum to look after. My beloved kitty Willow is 18 and has showed signs that the inevitable is one the way. I don't deal with loss well and she has been my rock for almost 20 years.

I am so tired, just want to give up, and just turn into a blank person who doesn't have to deal, and just stares out the window while slowly waiting for nature to take it's toll when I am 80 something. I feel like I am only existing and not truly living. Picture is of my darling girl Willow.
#MDD #BPD #Anxiety #Insomnia #CPTSD #ChronicPain #treatmentresistant #Dysthymia #losinghope

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I hate this country #PTSD #Disability #ChronicIlless #treatmentresistant #HealthInsurance #Poor

I want to bash my head in. I want to scream on the top of my lungs. I am so angry and I don’t want to fall back into behaviors that slowly kill me.

I can’t do this.

Any appointment I’m ABLE to get, is so complex I don’t understand. Referals, we don’t take your insurance.

No one takes my insurance!!! Medicaid doesn’t cover medications!!! Are you over 18? Then we need a million prior authorizations!! But wait!! Never mind because you’re too old for the medication, per us insurance!!

Your sick?! Need meds?! YOU GOT IT!


Have no job because you can barely keep yourself safe?!?! TRY OUR MEDICAID AND GET NO MEDICATIONS OR SERVICES YOU NEED!!



It’s just a big FU to anyone who can’t take care of themselves, the way the country wants.

I fucking hate it here. Why do I try? Why do I fight so hard when there’s 10,000 roadblocks in the way.

Fighting for disability, with a lawyer, who told me I’m going to get denied again. I WENT AND GOT ALL MY RECORDS BECAUSE THEY DIDNT.



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People Who Understand

Posting for the first time because I’m sick of all the people in my life who don’t understand what living with mental illness is like. Sharing my feelings/struggle with them only makes me feel more alone. Hopefully someone here can relate to my rambling.

I have treatment resistant depression, generalized anxiety disorder and C-PTSD. I’m also still grieving the loss of my mom to sarcoidosis in 2018. She was my primary source of support with my mental illness and understood me better than anyone. I miss her terribly and have felt isolated since her death.

My depression has been on (yet another) downward spiral and I’m frustrated. I’m barely functioning now and I can feel the suicidal thoughts coming on again. I just finished another round of ketamine, I’m in EMDR therapy but nothing is working. Nothing EVER works.

Not the dozens of meds, TMS, ECT, therapy. I’m just so tired of trying these last 20 years. It really wears a person out. My whole adulthood. My life feels like such a waste and I hate not achieving any of the goals I’ve had for my life due to crippling depression.

For those who have been fighting mental illness for years, how do you keep from giving up? It just feels like a never ending battle. One tiny step forward, 12 giant steps backs. It’s hard to have hope with this pattern. It’s even harder not having people around me who understand or who are genuinely sympathetic.

Thanks for reading. #ChronicDepression #treatmentresistant


4x Survivor

The last time I tried to die was January 2020. I took 47 sleeping pills. Wasn’t enough. Now I am suicidal again and I have absolute nobody to talk to and nobody to depend on. Guess I never really have. Been hospitalized 4x. Meds most of my life. I am treatment resistant. Such a curse. Have to force myself to go to work everyday…just couldn’t do it today. #severedepression #PTSD #DomesticAbuse /torturesurvivor #treatmentresistant


RTMS #treatmentresistant

I’ve just gone through 8 weeks of this treatment and unfortunately it didn’t work for me. I have Bipolar Type 2 and so my chances were between 50-55% so I went in there knowing that but still hopeful. If you have any questions, let me know. Happy to share ...

1 comment

Treatment-Resistant Illness

As a medical professional, I both understand and am completely baffled by the body and the brain. Sometimes, I understand illness and health and everything in between. Other times, I don’t understand it at all.

Let’s use depression as an example. A depressed brain is a sick brain. There are several treatment options for depression. Medication, ECT, therapy, exercise, etc. More often than not, one or more of these options helps treat the brain. Which is great.

But, why doesn’t it always work? Why are some brains more resistant? Why can some individuals try every option on the list and see no change? What’s the deciding factor in the brain or body on which brain gets better and which doesn’t?

I wish we could take scans of the brain and see definitive proof of mental illness and how it manifests but unfortunately, it is not like a tumour that we can see on a scan. It’s complicated and a lot of times, invisible.

Finding hope after seemingly endless attempts at recovery with no success feels impossible. I like to think more and more options will become available as time goes on and one will make a difference in my life.

#MDD #Depression #MentalHealth #MentalIllness #treatment #treatmentresistant #brainscan #Medication #ECT #Hope


Has anyone been granted SSDI based on treatment resistant depression, anxiety, PTSD, insomnia, fibromyalgia? Did you have to appeal? #Disability

I am looking for encouragement and advice from anyone who has applied and been granted ssdi. I am currently in the process for the second time since 2015. The wait is long and my anxiety is through the roof about it. #Disability #Anxiety #treatmentresistant #PTSD #Depression



I have #subclinicalcushingssyndrome and #HashimotosThyroiditis that is making #major#MajorDepressiveDisorder, #treatmentresistant and #Anxiety even worse and they health problems take time to help properly and not how the Standard American Way of poor treatment for adrenals. I have nothing left I me to fight the depression, anxiety, and all the symptoms that come with all of the above. I have 0 family support and friends at this point as they don't get #InvisibleDisability. With no resources locally or in state, I don't stand a chance. I've reached out to small Cushing and Hashimoto's sites in the Hope's they might know something but get no response. the isolation and lack of understanding and support is killing me. I need more than an online support group. Would The Mighty make an app that connects other ill people locally????


I need help in so many ways but little resources. Are there any options or places to reach out to that I haven't done?

In the past 4 years, I've been diagnosed with #hashimoto 's, #HereditaryHemochromatosis among other diagnoses that cause many symptoms. I also have #treatmentresistant major depressive disorder and insane anxiety. I have failed all depression treatments, spent this year trying #Ketamineinfusions which worked at first and then made me feel like I was losing my mind. I am waiting to be approved by insurance for #tmstherapy. On top of all of this, I have lost my parents due to lack of understanding and wanting to learn. I was told "if I am #suicidal, I should be institutionalized. " by my dad who raised me as the only child and his baby girl. They and my friends know I am suffering in every way and have not offered to help financially, which they could afford it. I am working 7 days a week with debilitating, dead inside depression, 20 symptoms from my illnesses etc just to barely pay some Bill's. I have no one to turn to. My 12 year relationship has been on the rocks for a lolong while. He uunderstands but is losing patience as I have nothing to offer. I am living rent and utility free for now. I get food assistance from a local resource but desperately need help and support. I filed for disability a year ago and have been denied a few times so an aattorney is helping me for the next appeal but only qualify for SSDI. It would be so helpful to have the little amount a month to help pay Bill's and not have to work so much. I am not even 40 and my life for the past 4 years is work and lay down or sleep when home. I used to be crafty, keep our house clean and beautiful, see friends and now I make myself go to work only because I know the consequences. I am so ready to give up. No one understands really how I feel and the ones that have stuck around just say "sorry." Are there any resources that would help in any way? I have reached out to A LOT. I have a psychologist and psychiatrist but it's not enough. A mental hospital isn't going to get my life back and can't afford any time off. Is our country really this broken?

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