Well, I have had various diagnoses—though it seems even my mental health providers who are treating me do are not forthcoming about any of those. Well, some, when it comes to my bipolar disorder and c-ptsd and prior attachment issues (I am slowly becoming more securely attached—I don’t “need” anyone for comfort, love, or help all the time—I have many activities and positive connections filling my life.). So what is it with a borderline personality disorder diagnosis sent to me by a friend? Let me say first there is nothing wrong with bpd. I am just demonstrating here that not everyone, including medical practitioners, may have the full story on hou. No one ever gave me this borderline diagnosis (though it overlaps with bipolar and c-ptsd—and even attachment issues can make it look like bpd). When I finally asked I was told I have attachment trauma, whatever that is. The fact of the matter is that any attachment style other than secure attachment will look like trauma. Yet I had a friend send me the criterion for borderline personality disorder—even after I told her I was not diagnosed with that. I felt very angry and regretful I ever told her any of my mental health struggles to begin with. “What you look for determines what you see.” A person knowing any of my mental health diagmoses will surelt now be on the lookout for those things, constantly pointing their finger in my direction. Because if we have conflict (which we have in the past) I am always to blame for my hyped up reactions (anxious attachment style I am letting go of). Well reactions do sometimes ramp up when dealing with someone else with an insecure attachment style. Ie avoiding and not wanting to discuss conflict, thinking your feelings are arguments, not wanting any closeness, pushing you away (though they will surely blame you for doing the pushing away and not see their pushing away behavior which instigated things), not opening up, avoiding deeper issues at all costs—feelings—also not taking responsibility for their parts. To add, sometimes there may be gaslighting to try to confuse you (even if they were not doing it intentionally). By the way, I could label this as it is, a “dismissive avoidant” attachment style. But there again, that is a label. And all it does is sink a person’a self-esteem. “There must be something wrong or defective about me.” Labels give some good information so practitioners can easily collaborate to help a client. But all thr nuances of each individual are missing. And not everyone fits so cookie cutter into these labels—yet we know sometimes we could be squeezed in for others’ sakes. So this dismissive style is all a recipe for disaster for my anxious attachment style that wanted closeness. They prefer distance. Back and forth and round and round it went. I have stepped back into my life and my more supportive friends. Yet there has been no resolution for me in this friendship, though I am pretty certain the other party has shoved my concerns into a black hole of their mind. They are just fine, thank you—not discussing things like “I feel hurt we dont spend time together.” (One example). I sit here with the wreckage of their inability to talk with me and address things in the friendship. Yet now, having a more secure attachment style I am able to walk away. And it only happens in one relationship. Not others. Those others dont push “me” aside. And I surely dont fit all “the criterion” they believe I fit into. Things overlap. People are individuals. What I am saying is that saying that “People in therapy are there because of the people that are not in therapy in their lives..” I think when someone wants to evade responsibility and accountability and evade looking inward at their own behavior (that would take work and feelings and maybe even therapy!) they are there blaming the other party for most everything. It can look like one is mentally ill due to the DYNAMIC. And I am—I have bipolar disorder with c-ptsd and a touch of ocd. Nothing is wrong with bpd. That is not the point here. The point here is to be aware that behavior is often a product of one’s environment. It is not a solitary thing all the time, especially in relationships. In fact, relationships should be 50/50 accountability and 100% compromise. Stop over apologizing because you think something is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you. You are a human. The other is a human. You are equally human. If the environment is shaky then those in it may often be shaky too (those interacting in that environment). But there is a choice. Leave the environment that stigmatizes you and avoids responsibility and invalidates you. Get away if you can. Or at least create distance. And heal while in a more conducive environment—learn to better take care of you around people who are more warm and validating and do want to spend time with you, as you are. Then build on that for yourself, within yourself. No matter how long it takes. Fight for yourself in a more solid supportive environment. That certainly makes the fight less threatening. I am. And I am becoming more secure in all ways, able to depend on myself, despite the past traumas of the c-ptsd and the high ups and low downs of my bipolar disorder. I am a human. Not a diagnosis. Will I ever be able to explain this all to the other party? Would they ever underdtand this, let alone agree or take accountability—then change? My doubts reign strong here. It has not occurred so far. I refuse to let anyone treat me any other way than human(intentional or not)—without labels (which give preconceived notions for sure and are often out of ignorance). Labels are just that. Labels. They are a set of descriptors for an illness. They do not take into account all the other positive and strong personality and bodily characteristics left out of that label. Or the strengths within that label. The label is used so people can often serve their own needs to make sense of things they might not understand or might not want to see in themselves. Dont let a label (used for brevity of communication among medical practitioners) define you. And make sure those practitioners have the whole story because they are not you living in your world. They see you for 50 minutes a week. They can misdiagnosis too. But no matter, dont let a label define you. And definitely dont let another person define you because they fear the true definitions of themselves.
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