I vent… On a social media platform, I’m quiet new too…
And even though I’m scared to death, I just hope to find some understanding, maybe even support…
I‘ve got multiple disorders… I’m sure of this…
Social Anxiety is just the tip of the iceberg.
But for now it’s the only thing diagnosed.
I battle Depression for months now.
There were multiple times were I seriously thought about ending it all, had multiple plans and all the means but couldn’t carry it out…
But my therapist hasn’t diagnosed it yet…
Still I’m on antidepressant, from my psychiatrist, and they work a little…
For months now I tried to get help…
But it never worked out…
(Therapy helped a little but there were too many fires that needed to be put out, so we never got to work on the real issues. It was always just an intervention of the current crisis…)
Getting into a mental health hospital has been an odysee so far…
(Mostly because the only diagnosis I have is social anxiety and it doesn’t match with all the extra symptoms I experience… Also I’m still waiting for a reply on the current one…)
I’m also quite sure I have C-PTSD.
I have all the symptoms and multiple traumatic events in my childhood beginning with my premature birth…
I’m also deathly afraid of everything medical (yes, that includes my therapist’s office)…
Last year I was retraumatised by a dentist appointment…
The pain and glaring light opened up depths of memories I had repressed, stored as flashes of pictures and deep emotions of helplessness and despair…
In the past months I’ve been triggered multiple times. Smells and sounds trigger flashbacks. Mostly emotional, sometimes visual.
I couldn’t function properly at work because I was triggered multiple times a day.
A screaming infant.
My own hunger.
Disinfectant.
A child’s toy, an ambulance that I needed to repair.
The intimacy of changing diapers.
The sirens of a real life ambulance.
First responders.
The tiling of a bathroom.
The list is endless…
Then there are the triggers of all the bullying…
The smell of a deodorant sends me back into a memory.
Teenagers talk about me or laugh at me and I feel like a child again even though I’m an adult.
Teens laughing make my heart race and search for anything that could make me look bad…
Triggers are everywhere.
But through it all I still keep surviving…
Once again my problem is high functionality…
My therapist is still in training and is too unsure to diagnose me. She says I’m too complex…
She won’t even diagnose my Depression.
Just because I’m still „functioning“ she doesn‘t think I have it.
Even though I quit my job because I couldn’t function anymore… I lost weight because there were times where I just couldn’t eat…
Suicidal thoughts were a constant background hum… Now they occasionally visit…
I’m apathetic, I can’t move…
I isolate myself because I just can’t face people…
Putting on a mask has become so normal that I can’t even lower it around my most intimate friends… But luckily they can see through it…
I hate what I have turned into…
For months I felt like someone else has taken over my life, it felt like I stumbled into a parallel dimension of my life…
I depersonalised…
But I accepted that this is it…
It’s all my own doing… And I hate it…
I feel ashamed. I grapple with the question if I deserve to exist… it often feels like I only get to exist if I give something to people…
I have dreams for my future but they seem impossible to reach…
I feel hopeless…
I feel joy, it comes in small doses but every time I’m genuinely happy I feel as if I don’t really deserve it, I feel like an imposter…
Every time it gets bad I feel like all the good times never happened and every time I feel happy all the bad things feel like a dream…
Too escape it all I read…
I distract, I never seem to stop…
But to my therapist says I’m functioning just fine…
I reach out and get help when it gets bad.
I have a plan for emergencies.
I cope with negative emotions, sometimes the strategies are healthy sometimes they’re not…
I derealise often…
(When the emotions get too bad I self harm…
I try to stop but even then I scratch it open…)
But also I distract myself from everything.
Mostly because I don’t feel safe at home and want to address everything in a professional setting…
So for now I can’t do anything but wait and survive day by day…
Anyone else feel like they’re too high functioning to get the help they need?
And has any tips on how to go on?
[I know I will be beating myself up for posting this later on but I just need someone to listen…]
#SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Burnout #CPTSD #PTSD #MentalHealth
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