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I know I should have seen it coming….I have now had to use (cane) this multiple days in a row all day. This is proceeding (getting lectured by my doctor) because I am bull headed and refused to use it when I know I should have. Basically probably doing more damage than good and I need to stop getting in my head. I don’t know if it’s just me or if others have this same challenge or are still going through it. I my whole life had to grow up quicker, child hood trauma survivor (with some permanent damage) and the one looked to when it came to needing strength. I am known as the strong one. I don’t know who finds it more challenging the people around me or me. I will never allow myself to accept that I am weak(er). I feel like if I accept it that means my fight is gone. I am working on the getting out of my head. Not letting peoples looks bother me. Yes I am getting looks both publicly and in my work environment. Probably my work environment is due to they had seen me need one and then bam i whip it out of my bag during a big fatigue episode. Did I mention I found a cane that folds down to the size of my forearm. Love that feature and yes I did buy a wolf head handle. Little uncomfortable at first till you find the sweet spot for holding it. I just needed to keep a part of me something I love and have a story behind the wolf that keeps me positive, be dazzle to it. Public probably because I look like I’m 17 and I am 30 and I look normal (what is normal ? Come on people). I freak out mentally and just go down the rabbit hole with negativity about the cane and how it makes me look “weak(er)”. I will say I did have someone tell me “ f-$@! What people think. Own that cane make it your b&)$! And walk like your going down the run way with your head held high. Knowing your the hottest one there.” Which got me laughing and honestly I’m not sure they realized how much that impacted me in a positive way. Yet here we are being human and all. Having a flaw and right back in my head. Refused to take the cane into the gas station when I went to pay not realizing there would be a line, one person in front of me doing there lottery guessing game thing. Legs just went like jello and down I went. Absolutely mortified at this point. Catch myself half a$$ed and try to play it off. Hurried up and payed and basically crawled my way across the wall out of there. Realizing I probably will never go to that gas station again which really sucks because it’s .5 miles away from my house. Am I alone ? Am I crazy ? #MixedConnectiveTissueDiseaseMCTD #RaynaudsPhenomenon #RaynaudsDisease #Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #Depression #ChronicDepression #Stepmom #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors


Finally was able to eat today, it has been 3 days. I always here the comments “are you going to eat today” or “well you need to eat” or “your a skeleton”… I know it’s a coping mechanism for them to make humor of it. Needless to say it’s not that I don’t want to eat, it’s that I literly am so sick right now that I can’t stomach food. How do you lead by example when your teenage daughter literly said “it’s not the cool thing to do, eating isn’t cool” but all you want to do is run to the bathroom or curl up in a ball in the dark. #FeelingAlone #Anxiety #Depression #MixedConnectiveTissueDiseaseMCTD #RaynaudsDisease #Trauma #Stepmom

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Coping Mechanism Distraction(s)

What do you use as a coping mechanism to distract you from you. So your body can get some sort of piece.

I use candy crush, I know it sounds silly but for me it’s a mindless task. Keeps my brain entertained enough but doesn’t require a lot of mental copacity. Physically non demanding unless I am having a bad flare and it’s effecting my hands. #MixedConnectiveTissueDiseaseMCTD #Depression #Anxiety #Childhoodtrauma #Trauma #Flareup #raynauds #Arthritis #chronicmigraine #Stepmom


desperate stepmom!

My boyfriend makes me feel like I have no say in anything that he disagrees with HIS daughter even though I am much closer to her and I’m the one that parents her 75% of the time. He only seems to call her HIS daughter when he disagrees with my parenting opinion but I take care of her all the time and help her with her homework and when she need someone to talk to “I am her mother”. I just want what’s best for her and the sad truth is that it’s not a father like him and I can’t do a thing about it because I’m her stepmom.

that he disagrees with HIS daughter and my step daughter, but I do everything for her and I’m much closer to her than he use Ryan angus t me that I live her . I don’t I le how to handle this I’ve never been in thi situation please help!!!!


when do you say enough? #Toxic #Family #toxicparent

My father and I never had a good relationship and it was clear that he never wanted kids. we were fine with the occasional call and texting each other on holidays. But now that he's remarried, his wife tells me I need to call my father more even though he doesn't do the same and is barely there when we do talk. he's gone so far as to calm me a disappointment and he expects more from me.

Do I just cut my losses and ignore their messages or do I try to put effort in again knowing it will never be enough. #phonetime #Fathers #Stepmom #feelinunwanted


Made it through my first week back to work!

7 weeks post op from TAHBSO (total abdominal hysterectomy bilateral Salpingo Oopherectomy). My first week back at work was good, a little stressful at the things they didn't get done, but that stuff will also keep me busy, which right now is helpful. It's good to keep my mind off the fact that I will never get to have biological children of my own; which I wanted more than anything. At home the new puppy we have has been helping with that as well. Online support groups have been helpful as well, talking to people and helping others out that have gone or are going through what I have. #Endometriosis #Hysterectomy #ChildlessNotByChoice #Depression #CongenitalHeartDefect #Adenomyosis #Stepmom


When you just want your thoughts to be validated

I just have so many thoughts today!!! #Autism #Stepmom #Coparenting

I literally just want someone to tell me that it’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay to have these opinions and thoughts. Ughhhhh I cannot compose a sentence cause I don’t know where to start! So I’ll just ramble.. hope it makes sense.

Had ss5 today for our Saturday visit ( we only see him twice a month) and yes he is autistic but I think higher functioning on the spectrum.. he’s starting to put sentences together and his meltdowns are minimal. But tantrums are a whole other ball game. He is persistent in what he wants even when he knows he can’t have what he wants because he knows he gets away with it at home. Ugh it’s exhausting. Anyway at our house he gets disciplined when it is needed because there is no form of discipline with his mom he gets what he wants when he wants it. I’m sorry but I still believe there should be boundaries autism or not. He will need to know he can’t do certain things or he won’t always gets what he wants when he throws a fit.

Sorry I know that was a mess of a post but I just cant keep it inside anymore. I’m stressed. Life is hard. Being a step mom is hard. Autism is hard.