This will seem scattered, but I don’t know what to do. I’m depressed all the time and it’s ruining my life. I’ve unintentionally isolated myself from people more and more and it’s destroyed any self esteem. I don’t know how to talk to people anymore. I don’t use social media. I’ve always wanted to get married and start a family but that can’t happen if I hate myself. I feel like I’m pushing myself down a path that ends at suicide. I just feel empty and don’t enjoy anything. My life is get up, work, sleep, and think about death in between. I have had kidney stones a lot and a few weeks ago I went to the hospital because I thought I had a bad one, which I did, but then they saw a tumor that ended up being testicular cancer and had surgery to remove it and have a follow up in a few weeks to see if it’s all gone or if I have to start a full chemo treatment. I keep thinking that if I do then I will kill myself. I don’t want to but I’m sick of my life and don’t see a realistic path out of the mess I made. I hate myself for ruining my life. I used to be smart, funny, attractive, and confident that I could do anything, but that person died a long time ago. I’ve always been an introvert, but I feel so alone. I haven’t had a primary care doctor for 10 years and am scared to find one to ask about anti depressants despite working in healthcare. I don’t take any medications. I’m scared of what would happen if I told someone how depressed I am. Sorry this is all over the place. I guess it’s more like a stream of consciousness.