What people don’t see
People only see part of it. They see the out bursts and the negative side effects but, they do not see the rest. They do not see it when I cry. The internal struggle that happens constantly within me. How much energy it takes to just breathe.
You’re happy that I am nice instead of mean, or that I kept my mouth shut….but you do not know what that cost me. It costs me my sanity most days. You get mad because I get quiet and just say one or two words, you don’t get that inside I am raging and I do not want to say the wrong thing. That I want to react, and it is taking all of me not to do the bad thing.
I am in constant turmoil. I am damned if I do and damned if I do not. What am I supposed to do? You want to know how I am feeling then it is like I am getting I to trouble for feeling that way. You get tired of going through the same shit over and over again…you only get that part of the time. I deal with it ALL the time. I get tired of feeling.
I put on a smile, make people laugh, because I hope that they never feel even half as much as I do. I am miserable with all the conflicting thoughts inside of me. I don’t do anything with my life because I no longer know what to do, what I should do, what I am supposed to do. If I do something I’ll end up disappointing at least one person. It is better to not try and disappoint everyone.
People don’t get it, the constant “on” inside. This isn’t just a monologue, there are literal fights that happen. Rational vs irrational. Good vs bad. Act vs don’t act. And on and on. And that isn’t even adding in my other mental health issues. Everything is always constant and reinforcing everything else…people think they understand, and they try to, but they don’t fully understand how it is.