Ugh

So far this cross country move has sucked! Issues with new job both with training and payroll.
Can’t yet get my meds renewed due to no primary dr here. And can’t get cannabis without a med card- for which I need a new DL. Local dmv is only m-f / 9-5… when 90% of people work. 45 days in Midwest now. Only positive is more family to help m&d #Ugh

Suicide prevention week? You would think family would check in but so far nothing but crickets. My extended family is composed of healthcare workers and first responders so you’d think I’d I’d get a nibble. Nothing. I feel like if I reach out to them I’m pandering. It’s been 7 years since my last attempt and hopefully my last. Who knows, we always hope for the best

As a person who has been disabled their whole life I have gotten used to many ableist interactions throughout my life, I have become a pro at handling the awkward, intrusive comments or questions and so much more. Including staring which doesn’t often bother me, because I understand that people can just be curious and sometimes its better than inturupting my conversation. Or they may not even realize they are doing it because they are in their own world. But todays staring incident really rubbed me the wrong way, I was on my way to the post office and this man on the street was leaning against a store that I was walking by. I could feel his eyes on me, so I turned and I see his mouth open, gawking at me, mind you this a grown man. So, I smiled hoping that would brake him out of this weird trance, but no he just kept on staring. At this point he is craning his neck to follow me, and observe me in my wheelchair. When you actually have to change positions to stare, maybe that should be a sign to stop staring! I am not a zoo animal to be gawked at, I am a person just going about my day! How would you like it if I just stared at you as you walked around mobility aidless? I doubt that he intended to make me feel like a zoo animal, but he really did just transport me back to when I was 5 and hadn’t learnt to ignore the eyes following me yet. It just really pisses me off that I have worked so hard to feel comfortable in my own skin, to be a good disability advocate and adapter but that man was able to make me feel so small so quickly.

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There’s just so many things wrong with this damn planet. My mind decides to go through all the bullshit and how I think about it/respond to it nearly every morning and nearly every afternoon, and it’s driving me crazy.

Most folk drive me crazy. I believe that most folk are terrible, ignorant, gatekeepers, hyprocrites when they say that they support others, hypocrites when they say that others can be themselves, and find anything they don’t see in their eye “normal” a stigma, weird, a disorder, or “cringe” (I despise that word especially), and no one can convince me otherwise because I can’t trust most folk because of what I’ve witnessed… I’m sorry.

It’s causing me a headache now which I didn’t fucking ask for. Oh well.

#Anxiety #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #SocialAnxiety #anger #Society #Ugh

Tonight it may be difficult for me to get a decent nights sleep. I just called my sister out on her bullshit.

I hadn’t spoken to her in months. I felt I had to call her and tell her that a boyfriend from her distant past had died.

I also wanted to calmly discuss a boundary that I thought I established months ago. I told her that if she visits my daughter who has alienated us, that there’s no reason to write that she’s staying with her on a post card! I said you’ve no idea how much it hurts to be estranged for no apparent reason. She became unhindged and yelled at me, then hung up on me, and said she’s not reading my texts.

I see it as taunting and simultaneously bragging that she mentioned visiting my oldest daughter and son in law and that she was staying with them. Am I wrong? Why tell me that, was she trying to hurt me? There are friends and people in the family that she’s had bad relationships with in the past, that she’s become angry with me for talking about, even casually mentioning or using their name, so I don’t. I respect that.

Why can’t she respect me, and my wishes for basically the same thing? Maybe it wasn’t the time to discuss it with her,but it’s been something that was bothering me for months, and we also hadn’t talked for months. I had told her I needed to talk about a couple of things. I wanted to resolve it, and my feelings. She couldn’t even calmly discuss it. Now, we’re upset with each other.

I think it’s better that I just don’t talk to her again. We are just way too different, and we’re not even friends with each other lately. I hate to lose an only sister. But, I’ve friends and family, women who are more like sisters to me, than my own sister.

People only see part of it. They see the out bursts and the negative side effects but, they do not see the rest. They do not see it when I cry. The internal struggle that happens constantly within me. How much energy it takes to just breathe.

You’re happy that I am nice instead of mean, or that I kept my mouth shut….but you do not know what that cost me. It costs me my sanity most days. You get mad because I get quiet and just say one or two words, you don’t get that inside I am raging and I do not want to say the wrong thing. That I want to react, and it is taking all of me not to do the bad thing.

I am in constant turmoil. I am damned if I do and damned if I do not. What am I supposed to do? You want to know how I am feeling then it is like I am getting I to trouble for feeling that way. You get tired of going through the same shit over and over again…you only get that part of the time. I deal with it ALL the time. I get tired of feeling.

I put on a smile, make people laugh, because I hope that they never feel even half as much as I do. I am miserable with all the conflicting thoughts inside of me. I don’t do anything with my life because I no longer know what to do, what I should do, what I am supposed to do. If I do something I’ll end up disappointing at least one person. It is better to not try and disappoint everyone.

People don’t get it, the constant “on” inside. This isn’t just a monologue, there are literal fights that happen. Rational vs irrational. Good vs bad. Act vs don’t act. And on and on. And that isn’t even adding in my other mental health issues. Everything is always constant and reinforcing everything else…people think they understand, and they try to, but they don’t fully understand how it is.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #miserable #alone #MentalHealth #Ugh

Today is just a struggle day. Whether it is from the anxiety, splitting, dysthymia with a current depressive episode, adhd, binge eating, abandonment…..couldn’t sleep last night because of anxiety. The few hours I did get, when I woke up the anxiety level was still high and I just wanted to cry. Okay…I have cried a few times. Any amount of tears is crying for me, I used to be, as my family called me, “a heartless bitch.” I miss being oblivious to feelings.

Every since my male FP gained a new female friend…I always feel in flight or fight mode. Most days I can ignore it easily., others not so much. I feel like I’m being replaced. It doesn’t mean I feel like he will abandon me, but that he is putting someone over me.

How I was taught love, is by attention. If you have someone’s attention they love you. If not? They don’t.
#struggleisreal #hurting #Crying #Ugh #FavoritePerson

I haven’t been here very long, less than a week actually…had my first conversation today.

I thought this was a safe place and people would understand triggers and stuff. That when I say no this will cause a trigger or for me to associate those feelings with them….

Shouldn’t that end the conversation? Why would you try to persuade that person to do what you want instead of what you clearly laid out as a no?

Am I just what people think they can persuade/manipulate into doing what they want? It has happened so many times, just this week. I am about done with it all!

Sorry…hope it was okay to vent for a moment…

#venting #frustrated #Ugh #Whatisgoingon

#PTSD ,#Anxiety ,#Bipolar depression,#Fibromyalgia ,#chronic pain,#Psoriatic and osteo arthritis,
Birth mom was not emotionally, mentally available to me. I was born 3 months early 70 yrs ago so was very sickly. She had 3 sons already and I was a lot of work .
My parents had 4 more kids, last one- the baby girl. She could do nothing wrong in mom's eyes.
I was a tomboy and sister girly girl.
Further separating myself and mom.
I found refuge in mom's who's kids I did day care for. I was accepted and appreciated by outside mom's !!!

× " So It Seem's That The Male's In This House Don't Bother To Clean Up The Bathroom....And Litterly Wait Until They Run Out Of Bathroom Towel's To Shower With. These Towel's Reeked Badly Of Damped Wet. And Nevermind Not Cleaning The Bathroom That They Use Also. It's Alway's Me Cleaning It. And The Stupid Excuse's That I Keep Getting Are " WELL WE WORK ALL DAY...SO WE DON'T HAVE ANY TIME TO DO ANYTHING. " I Call Bull On This Constant Excuse For The Trash...The Cleaning Of The House That They Live In. And I Alway's Call Them Out On It. They Just Don't Care. Nor Feel Embarrassed When People Come Over To Use The Bathroom. The Guess Alway's Go To Use My Sister's Master Bathroom. Like Fuck Tell Them To Clean They Litterly Stay In The House All Day. Because They All Work From Home. They Waited Until I Was Off For Me To Clean. I'm Washing These Stupid Towel's. Because My Sister Is Alway's Asking Me To Clean The Shared Bathroom. All The Time. Next Time These Towel's Will Remain In The Hamper It's Been 3 Week's. ☆ S. K. ☆