stuckinmyhead

I just had a panic attack. I was having a deep conversation with my boyfriend reflecting on my past.. and I got stuck in my head. As the old memories flooded back into my head, my hands started shaking. Then my heart started pounding… yet I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My mind and body suddenly remembered all of the feelings and all of my fears. Even though I was much smaller back then, I couldn’t help but feel so vulnerable… reliving every moment as if it was all happening again. My world started closing in and I coulnt stop trembling. Once it finally stopped… I felt completely stripped my all energy, and time. …..

It has been a few hours, but I still feel so strangely numb. I can’t quite get myself to snap out of it. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t panicked like this in so long. What are you supposed to do after a panic attack? (By the way, I am in counseling) What are some things you do to calm yourself down when you’re scared? What are some things you do to try to get out of your head for awhile? Anyone have any good song recommendations?

A common symptom of #Depression is losing interest in things you once enjoyed. But what if you don’t even remember things that were once enjoyed? Under treatment I was asked to describe a safe place to imagine or somewhere that makes me happy. I had no clue. I tried to make something up, but it apparently was obvious that it wasn’t effective. It was in prep for EMDR, treatment that I had been looking forward to for sometime. But after that occurrence I couldn’t go back. It just caused me more anxiety for not being able to have a place I can call safe and enjoyable. I was embarrassed and felt like I failed. I even asked my husband what I like to do that’s fun. He admitted he couldn’t think of anything.

It adds to the stress that I will likely never feel happy. I had a short taste years ago of what it may feel like to be #neuro -typical. I first agreed to try meds while in college. Prior I had tried, at the insistence of my mother, a homeopath doctor. In the end they told my mom I was too unstable and needed meds. WoW. So I ended up on Wellbutrin. I’ll never forget that moment in time, I was walking down the road after class, headed to my vehicle when I suddenly stopped. It was as if the windows were opened and the cloud cleared out. My words exactly were “whoa, I feel okay”. I found myself getting through tasks with more ease and less self-distractions. I was in shock when I sat and finished my homework from beginning to end without getting up. In fact it wasn’t until then that I realized what I did before. (randomly get up, look in a cabinet or refrigerator or do some other small task). But all good things come to an end I guess. I suddenly fell into a deep depression. I swore off meds at that time.

Eventually I realized I needed meds and began chasing for that calmness again. Wellbutrin was attempted on a number of occassions. Along with everything else out there. My latest combo has been celexa and Wellbutrin. It seems to keep me most stable. (When I most recently reintroduced Wellbutrin into my regimen I was surprised to notice I wasn’t #skinpicking . But just as before, it was short-lived).

I don’t know whether to keep fighting for calmness or just accept the fact that this is it. I have accepted the fact I’ll always be on meds, although I don’t like it. I don’t want my kids on meds, but already I’ve heard from the kindergarten teacher my son needs to be evaluated. No matter my choice I will feel guilty, that’s just how my mind works. Sometimes I feel cursed. 💜♍️ #CheckInWithMe #Fatigue #ADHD #FunctioningDepression #Anxiety #stuckinmyhead

#uncontrollaiblecrying #Crazythoughts #stuckinmyhead #Singlemom #strugglesofanoverthinkingmind 🙏🏼

I can’t let go off the past as I don’t see a future and if I don’t hold on to the past I will have no reason to be here

Less than 2 months ago, I admitted myself to a behavioral health facility because I was scared I was going crazy. I was scaring myself with my thoughts, but I also knew I was going through a lot of medication changes. I knew that was the probable source, and I couldn’t wait for an appointment with my doctor. I was in sheer panic. Afraid to be alone without medical supervision.

After the whole ordeal my doctor prescribed me low dose Xanax to get through the transition. I was in a constant state of tension, fear, & shakiness. This helped tremendously while I adjusted to my new meds and I felt great again. In control and hopeful my meds were doing their job.

Last week was the end of my prescription. I realized I probably needed to work on mentally working myself out of any irrational thinking without the crutches. I hadn’t tried when I had them. Always gave in and took them. Them being the Xanax. I was paranoid of getting addicted. The doctor kept saying that the paranoia of getting addicted was making me white knuckle it & allowing the anxiety to build.

It’s been a week and I have felt awful since. At first I just assumed it was some sort of withdrawal. Now I’m back to my panicky thinking. Nervous about doing any task and stuck over thinking. I’m not sure if it’s just too soon to not have the crutches, or if the other meds aren’t working. I’m also unsure if it’s my PMDD and last month I didn’t feel it cause I had the buffering of the Xanax. If that’s the case can someone get prescribed Xanax just for those awful days of their cycle?

I’m just not sure if this all warrants a call to my doctor for a refill. My appointment is in 2 weeks and I’m feeling I can’t wait that long for her advice so it would be helpful to have the Xanax to calm my nerves. Am I being a sissy and making excuses?

Thoughts?

I try to put on this facade that I’m doing OK... when I’m not. Its never really left my mind, that I’m not good enough, that everyone actually hates the person I am, I just bring everyone down. So yeah I do feel like a burden. I can’t live up to anyone’s expectations. Maybe that’s why I’m so unhappy. I haven’t talked about these feelings with my therapist, but they’re really haunting me, and I just want to get rid of these poisonous feelings. Nothing seems hopeful right now I just land up falling between the cracks, like I always do and failing at my existence. I just can’t do this anymore... I badly want to cut.

I’m having one of the days when I’m just feeling completely empty and lost. I took a day off college cause I didn’t feel like going and didn’t want to waste money on transport. I have zero motivation to do college work and assignments when there’s a lot of them. Normally i go for walks to clear my head but don’t feel like doing it. I am just tired of my boring, monotone routine and not sure what i want. I’m so empty inside atm that I don’t know if I’m sad or feel like i need to scream or just punch something, i just feel calm yet really really down and.. kind of hopeless. I know it’ll pass, always does sometimes but just needed someplace to vent. Just laying in bed listening to music and waiting for it to be time for sleep.. #depressed #empty #lonely #stuckinmyhead #sickofit