Substance Use Disorders

Hi, my name is Antwan1gonz. I'm here because I want to share with people my experience and how I've been learning to heal and get along with the Voices inside My Head

#MightyTogether #Schizophrenia #SubstanceUseDisorders #Anxiety #Depression #PTSD

I have known many versions of my Father throughout my life.

The teen who graduated on Friday
and had me on Monday
and did his best to raise me.

The young man trying so hard
to build a life for his family,
using the blunt and sharp tools
he was handed
instead of the ones I needed.

The man who believed
that the belt
and his hands
and police
and institutions
would teach me lessons
he didn’t have the words to teach—
because his father
and his father before him
were good men in institutions
who did their best
to raise good men.

And maybe they succeeded
in raising good men.

But did they succeed
in having good relationships
with their children?

Were they close?
Did they know
they were loved?

Or did they just tolerate each other
and mourn the words left unsaid—

until a bugle,
a rifle salute,
and a folded flag
placed in waiting hands,
as if honor
could substitute
for tenderness?

I covered my grandfather’s corpse
with a flag
because my own father asked me to.

I uncovered—
and covered—
and arranged—
and did my best to take pictures
because he asked me to.

I did not share them.

Because even in my own grief
I knew better—
that he should not have to remember
his father that way,
but as the man
he looked up to.

That massive figure
in my father’s life.

A soldier.
A hero.
A grandfather.

Someone who put the safety
and security of those around him
before anyone else.

Barely present in mine—
but everywhere
in my body.

In the way my shoulders stay raised.
In the way my jaw locks.
In the way my chest tightens
when voices rise.

In the way I confuse love
with endurance.
Safety
with silence.
Affection
with compliance.

He wasn’t there—
but his shadow was.

And He wasn’t there either—
but His rules were.

Both distant.
Both watching.
Both shaping me
without knowing me.

I learned obedience
before trust.
Fear
before faith.
Survival
before love.

I learned coping skills
I never consented to—
hypervigilance,
self-erasure,
earning affection,
bracing for impact.

I learned how to disappear
to stay safe.

And now I am unlearning
what his love taught me—
that love is conditional,
that care comes with consequences,
that fathers only show up
when they’re angry.

And I am unlearning
what His love taught me—
that grace must be earned,
that pain is holy,
that suffering
is obedience.

Because my love
doesn’t feel like that.

My love lives in my hands.
In the way I sit with people
without fixing them.
In the way I soften my voice
instead of raising it.
In the way
I stay.

His will read with regret and grief
that he could not love his family
the way he wanted to—
because of violence and war
and trauma
and violence and war.

But my father loved him.
And I loved my father.

So I carried out his wishes.

But His Will?
God the Father?

How do you follow
God the Father
when your own father
has never followed you
into the depths of hell
he threw you into—
from a very young age—
without outsourcing repair
to cops,
military schools,
jails,
institutions?

Why am I so hard to love
without institutions?

Why can’t he love
what he created?

Why can’t He
love unconditionally?

It’s hard to find faith
in a hundred-million-dollar church
with a twenty-million-dollar sound system
that spends a million a year
on its community—

while welcoming anti-trans,
anti-queer,
anti-me rhetoric
into its halls and walls—

then passing the plate
for more money
and more money
and more money
to do it again
and again
and again.

The concerts are good.

But Christ’s teachings are missing
when it feels more like a brand
to be managed
than a message
to be lived.

Maybe I love Christ.

But I hate His Christians.
And His churches.
And the complacency
of calling a concert
and a short sermon
His good works.

Hatred and Hell
and discrimination
and His love
cannot coexist
in the same building—

but they can
in hearts
not ready to heal.

Maybe I am wicked.

But I am love.

And my love
does not demand suffering.
My love
does not need punishment.
My love
does not disappear
when someone fails.

And yet—
when his love
and His love
are what I crave
to feel whole enough
to surrender control
to a higher power
that can’t heal
what it broke—

it’s hard to feel
his grace
or His grace
when his actions
and His actions
have made me feel unsafe
and unloved
since my earliest memory.

On the drive home from church
I asked whether a baby
burns in fire and brimstone
before knowing Christ.

“Yes,” they said.

Because when asked why—

“Yes, queer kids burn in hell
for refusing His teachings.”

Unless they change
their wicked ways.

Unless
I change
mine.

Is it wicked
to love without shame?

To care less about labels
than the kind,
decent,
warm,
giving person
standing in front of you—

sharing their heart and home—

when His home
and his home
and His heart
and his heart
feel like hatred?

The message says
love and forgive
and love
and spread his word—

treat your neighbor
as you wish
to be treated.

Is that talking shit
about someone three feet away
because you’ve been to church
a handful of times in recovery?

Is it not wicked
to judge others?

To speak harshly
when I can hear you
the entire time?

I went to church
for the first time in decades
looking for reasons
to believe in His love.

Instead, I found
his critiques
and His Christians
serving hatred
on a platter—

like the offering plate—

asking for more money
and more money
and more money
to reach more people
to make more money.

If God exists,
why does His flock
muddy His words
until they sound like
his words
and his words
and his words?

If God exists,
He does not live
in a megachurch.

He lives
in courtyards,
small circles,
music,
shared meals,
people unburdening their hearts
without asking for payment afterward.

I feel Him
in the park—
serving the most vulnerable
of His flock.

I feel Him
in my siblings.
I feel Him
in my cousins.

But when He robbed me
of my family
long before their time
should have ended—

and when His hatred
moves through men and women
who attend church every Sunday
just to talk down
on those who’ve walked through Hell
and still search for His grace
without ever being shown His love—

Where do you go?

How do you kneel
and surrender
to a higher power
that has only ever hurt you
through His words
and his words
and his words?

My father’s house
was never my safe space.

My Father’s house
was never where I found grace.

But I can build one
for my son.
And his son.
And his son.

Still—

They say my father has changed.
And maybe he has.

He drinks less.
He says sorry more.

He blames alcohol
for decisions
that nearly destroyed
another marriage—

with abandon,
with carelessness,
with no regard
for the children
watching it happen.

His children.
His children.
And the children
they stitched together.

Would I have lost
my bonus brother?
My bonus mother?

Because of him?
Because of Him?

She lowers expectations.
She serves him.
Because of His will.
Because of vows
spoken in front of Him.
Because of the life
they built together.

And I find myself
hating him
and hating Him—

while loving her,
and my brother,
and my brother,
and my sister.

And despite everything
I still feel Him
in their presence.

But I feel his influence more.
And I feel His violence.
And his violence.

And the way
my body remembers
before my mind does.

He broke me.
And He broke me.

And once again
I am left
to put myself back together—

alone,
in an institution—

because he cannot repair
what he broke.

And neither can He.

#MightyPoets #MentalHealth #ADHD #PTSD #SubstanceUseDisorders #Depression #Grief #MightyTogether #CheckInWithMe #Trauma

I used to think
home was a place.

Four walls.
A key.
A mailbox with your name on it.

But when you grow up without that kind of certainty,
home stops being a location
and starts becoming
people,
and memories,
and the way your chest loosens
in certain rooms.

So it would be easy—
easy—
to believe
I don’t have a home to go back to.

Except I do.

There is a small house
on San Marco Street
in Vacaville, California
that has been my home
since the day I was born.

A tree in the front yard—
the kind of tree that holds history in its bark.
Generations climbed it.
Swung from it.
Fell out of it.
Cried under it.
Laughed under it.

That tree has caught more of us
than we ever realized.

There’s a red door.
Always the same red.
Opening into a living room
filled with couches older than some of the people sitting on them,
and clocks—
so many clocks—
all of them ticking.

Tick.
Tick.
Tick.

Clocks timing Christmas mornings.
Birthday dinners.
Graduations.
Funerals.

Tick.
Tick.
Tick.

Every clock set wrong.
Every single one.

An absolutely annoying sound.
A maddening sound.
A welcome sound.

When I was younger,
sleeping on that couch felt like exile.
Banished from more time with cousins,
from noise,
from warmth,
from love.

Lying there in the dark
listening to the tick, tick, tick
wondering why silence could feel so loud.

Now?

That couch—
those ticks—
are some of the most comforting things in the world.

Even when there are twenty people stacked on top of each other.
Even when there’s no room to stretch out
but somehow
always room for one more body,
one more story,
one more plate,
one more memory.

Because those people—
that couch,
that house,
those sounds—
that is home.

And still—
that home is broken.

Fragmented.
Scattered.

Lost to Alzheimer’s.
Lost to grief.
Lost to heart attacks.
Lost to overdose.
Lost to time.
Lost to relationships that cracked under weight
they were never taught how to carry.

But there were other houses too.
Homes that weren’t permanent
but were always open.

Uncle Ty and Aunt Lisa’s house—
where Cam and Savannah and I
were allowed to just be kids.

No fixing.
No performing.
No surviving.

Just bikes in the driveway.
Noise in the house.
Laughter loud enough to drown out the world.

And when the world shifted—
when that house learned grief—
Aunt Lisa’s house
was still my home.

She loved me like her own.
Called me on my shit
the same way she called out her kids—
not to shame me,
but to steady me.

The kind of love that doesn’t flinch
when you’re messy.
The kind that says,
I see you. Sit down. Eat something. Try again.

And Uncle Shane and Angela’s house—
that was another kind of home.

Where I got to hang with my cool older cousins—
the only ones I had—
watching, learning, absorbing
what growing up looked like.

Lessons good and bad,
but mostly good.
Mostly fun.

Late nights.
Inside jokes.
A front-row seat to a future
that felt just close enough
to reach for.

And Annie and Uncle James’ house—
that was where I learned how to grow up
without being pushed out the door.

Where I learned how to make some money.
How to change diapers.
How to hold babies.
How to stay.

It was unconditional.
Love and support without footnotes.
Without keeping score.

She was the glue.
The planner.
The sign-maker.

The one making posters
so no one could miss
how proud she was of her 'noodles'—
every milestone,
every step forward.

And when that house learned silence,
the family fractured
in ways we still don’t have language for.

But Uncle James—
learning how to be a solo dad
while holding what remained together—
has always been there.

Even while figuring out
how to survive a life
he never planned to live.

And Uncle Seth and Aunt Katie’s house—
that one felt like it was mine.

A place to rest.
To disappear into quiet.
To play video games.
To breathe.

But even peace gets displaced.

Because you can’t be a place of calm
when your world has been shattered—
by losing siblings,
and then losing your mother
piece by piece
to Alzheimer’s.

No house escapes loss untouched.

And my home—
the one that was supposed to be mine—
didn’t always feel safe.

It wasn’t always where I wanted to be.

But something changed.

After earth-shattering grief.
After loss.
After repair.
After remarriage.
After growth.
After choosing each other again.

My mom’s house
Is starting to feel like a home.

Not just for me—
but for my cousins too.

New traditions taking shape.
New laughter learning where it fits.
A future not fully formed yet,
but finally possible.

And Grandma—
my Mimi—
her mind betrayed her.

Stole her memories.
Stole the family
she spent decades building with her own hands.

And I ask myself now—
were there signs?
Chemical imbalances quietly shaping us
long before we had words for them?
Something that might have helped me understand
my own mental health
before it nearly swallowed me whole?

Or was it grief—
that kind of grief that doesn’t knock,
that kind of grief that kicks the door in—
that locked every room in her brain
and hid her away
behind her eyes?

Every visit is a new funeral.
A new goodbye.
Grieving her
again
and again
and again.

And Papa—
God, Papa tried.

Jokes.
Silly faces.
Inside jokes built over sixty-five years.
Becoming a caregiver he never planned to be
but vowed to be.

Love layered on love layered on love.

Trying to pull her back
with everything he had
while learning how to survive
a life he never planned to live alone.

Sometimes—
just sometimes—
there’s a flicker.

A smile at the corner of her mouth.
A flash of the woman who once spoke
nothing but encouragement,
kindness,
laughter,
love without condition.

And when the babies come—
the great-grandbabies,
the grown grandbabies—
her eyes light up.

Thirty years of love
still there.
Still intact.
Still finding a way through locked doors.

Because love doesn’t disappear.
It just waits.

And I learned this there:
you cannot break through
until you break down.

Papa’s house
has always been the safest place
for me to fall apart.

A home away from home.
The place where collapse was allowed.
Where no one rushed the rebuilding.

I am thirty-three
and finally stopping long enough
to feel everything I ran from—
decades of unprocessed grief
hitting my body all at once,
asking me to heal in years
what took a lifetime to break.

Trying to heal what I didn’t break.
And what I did.

Because what happens in these houses
doesn’t stay in these houses.

It echoes.

Through hallways.
Through generations.
Into the homes we leave.
Into the homes we haven’t built yet.

Papa’s house was my home
until I was ready
to build my own.

But building without blueprints,
without tools,
without a solid foundation—
feels like building on quicksand.

Brick by brick
while the ground shifts beneath you.

It’s terrifying.

And it’s necessary.

I have had many homes.

The Moore family houses
held me.

And now—

I am building my own.

Slowly.
Carefully.
Brick
by
brick.

#MightyPoets #MightyTogether #CheckInWithMe #Trauma #PTSD #Grief #ChildLoss #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #Addiction #SubstanceUseDisorders

It’s easy to get wrapped up in other people’s shit,
to let them drain you
like a vampire sinking its fangs in,
emptying whatever space you had left
without ever asking if you needed it to live.

Sometimes empathy becomes a magnet
for other people’s emotional chaos.
They want.
They spiral.
They vent.

And we listen.
And listen.
Feeling everything—
often before we are ready
to feel ourselves.

Within seconds we are underwater.
An emotional tsunami—
their emotions, then ours, then theirs again,
back and forth
until we can’t tell
what belongs to who.

We forget to come up for air.
Forget how to breathe,
how to detach,
how to swim instead of sink,
how to regulate instead of disappear.

We stay under
until the body demands oxygen.

Sometimes that takes minutes.
Sometimes days.
Sometimes years.
Sometimes decades.
Sometimes never.

So many of us were made into caregivers,
protectors,
containers—
by family, by circumstance, by survival.
We learned early
that love meant holding everything,
that saying yes kept us safe,
that collapse could wait.

Until it couldn’t.

Until the chest tightens.
Until the rage shows up—not cruel, not violent—
but precise.
Sharp.
A signal flare from the nervous system saying:
this is too much.

That’s the moment recovery actually starts.
Not with softness,
but with restraint.

With the hand on the edge of the pool.
With the pause before jumping in.
With the question no one taught us to ask:

Do I have the capacity for this
right now?

Sometimes the answer is no.
And no is not abandonment.
No is oxygen.

No, no, no—
I will not.
I cannot.
I cannot sit with this
until I have learned
how to sit with myself.

Recovery is not a straight line.
It is the push and pull
between wanting to help
and refusing to disappear.
Between old reflex
and new boundary.
Between love
and self-erasure.

I don’t always have the space.
I don’t always have the air.
And that is not a failure.

But sometimes—
with the right people,
the ones who notice when I’m holding my breath,
the ones who stay when I take the mask off—
I can give.

Not endlessly.
Not at my own expense.
But in rhythm.
In reciprocity.

I am learning to save my oxygen
for those who return it.
To offer space
only where space is shared.

And that—
finally—
is what it means
to come up for air.

#MightyPoets #Depression #PTSD #Anxiety #Grief #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #MentalHealth #SubstanceUseDisorders

What is a home—
four walls,
or the people inside them?

A place you grew up,
or the place you stayed the longest?

They say home is where the heart is,
but what if your heart
has been shattered
and the pieces never came back?

Some of mine are still at Grandma and Papa’s.
Where Alzheimer’s locked the doors.
Where Grandma forgot my name,
forgot her voice,
forgot us.

I watch Papa grieve
sixty-five years of marriage
to a woman who no longer remembers the life they built.

Christmas trees.
Breakfast tables.
Couches stacked with cousins.
Love.
Care.
Home.

I watch him drink himself into rage,
angry at a world
men like him helped create.

Some pieces were buried with Annie—
my first best friend,
my person.

She missed my graduation.
Or maybe I missed her.
I still don’t know why she’s gone.

Home is a collection of people
lost to time,
to overdose,
to silence.

My father.
My mother.
My sister.
My brother.

They seem at peace—
so why can’t I be?

Do they have more tools?
More resilience?
Are they stronger?

How—
when I have known more danger,
more trauma,
more loss,
again and again?

Hopeless.
Helpless.

Help.
Help.
Help.

Please—
just let me fall apart
then help me put the pieces back together.

Without judgements
Without advice
Without presenting options.

I care for unseen souls
because I know what it means
when home is grandparents,
aunts,
cousins—
but never parents,
never mine.

So what do you do with that?
Where do you put it
when home was never established
and everyone else keeps moving forward?

I don’t know.

But I am trying to learn.

#MentalHealth #SubstanceUseDisorders #Grief #MightyPoets #PTSD #Addiction #Anxiety #Depression

Community.
It’s funny—to step into one
and feel like you should already know how to lead it.
To feel like a mentor by instinct.
A brother, a sister, an auntie.
Someone steady for those searching for family,
for the brokenhearted.

To feel half empty,
spread thin like butter across too much bread,
yet still able to offer more than words—
advice,
a simple meal,
companionship,
love.

To recognize the lost in children and adults alike,
each just trying to isolate a little less,
to be seen without being stared at.
To go from decades of solitude
to dozens of new faces in weeks,
learning how to share pieces of myself
without bleeding out—
pouring carefully, not emptying,
offering warmth without erasure.

To have worn so many masks
that my face forgot its own shape.
To have built personalities like scaffolding—
temporary, necessary, exhausting—
only to realize
that being myself
was the only thing anyone needed.

What I have to give
is love, understanding, patience, kindness.
They cost nothing.
They are renewable.
They fill my cup instead of draining it.

So I ask myself:
Is this people-pleasing or relationship-building?
Is it hypervigilance or empathy,
or simply the recognition
that I carry light
and can set it down beside someone else
without losing my own?

Vulnerability is the birthplace of change.
And I am ready.

Ready to unmask.
To unburden.
To unravel
and stitch myself back together
with intention.

I am learning and unlearning—
again and again—
that I didn’t have to do it alone,
that I don’t have to do it alone now.

To find the missing pieces.
To melt the gold.
To fill the fractures with love,
therapy,
medication,
with men and women
who see the real me
and do not flinch.

Who watch me stumble and fall
and offer hands, not ultimatums.
Kind words, not commands.

To do what my father could not.
To be who he cannot.
To repair what he did not break—
but broke in me.

To unhear and unlearn and unremember
the voice that became my inner weather:

You’re weak.
You hit like a girl.

"This is what I am paying for?"

If five thousand dollars fell from the sky—
would you catch it?
If it saved you?
If it saved your family?

That question became an argument.
An argument sharp enough
for him to regret my education,
to throw it back at me,
to call it worthless—
while I hold a master’s,
while I have built more with less,
gone further on thinner ground.

I have done more with less help.
I have survived without a net.

Emotions are chaotic and messy
when numbness finally cracks.
They arrive loud,
uninvited,
terrifying.

Feel.
Feel.
Feel.
Stay.

Sit with it.
Breathe with it.
Write it down
before it writes you.

Change what you can.
Accept what you cannot.
Learn the difference.
Find the wisdom.
Find the courage.
Find the serenity
that comes from staying.

Face the future—
whether real or imagined,
whether prophecy or trauma
wearing a disguise.

Let the other voice sink back underground—
the one dripping venom,
fed by years of abuse,
by inherited self-loathing
soaked into skin,
into muscle,
into memory.

This body learned survival early.
This brain hardened where it had to.
Scarred—
emotionally, financially, physically—
but still standing.

This mind is done running.
Done pretending
that who I am
is something to escape.

I am a helper.
I help others
and I am learning to help myself.

I do not have to empty my cup
to fill someone else’s.
There is room here—
enough space
to hold others
because I am finally holding myself.

Look for the helpers.
Be a helper.

I am a helper
who asks for help.

And I want to stay angry
because anger feels safer
than grief—
safer than the pain,
the sadness,
the loss
of what cannot be repaired
by the one who broke it.

But I am learning
to brave the depths of my own soul,
to descend instead of recoil,
to name and process the trauma
rather than keep it caged at the surface—

so the pain doesn’t live
one breath away from eruption,
so it doesn’t stay coiled
just beneath my skin,
waiting to spill.

So it can move.
So it can settle.
So it can finally loosen its grip
and make room
for something quieter than survival.

#MentalHealth #CheerMeOn #Grief #Depression #Anxiety #Addiction #MajorDepressiveDisorder #MoodDisorders #SubstanceUseDisorders

Community.
It’s funny—to step into one
and feel like you should already know how to lead it.
To feel like a mentor by instinct.
A brother, a sister, an auntie.
Someone steady for those searching for family,
for the brokenhearted.

To feel half empty,
spread thin like butter across too much bread,
yet still able to offer more than words—
advice,
a simple meal,
companionship,
love.

To recognize the lost in children and adults alike,
each just trying to isolate a little less,
to be seen without being stared at.
To go from decades of solitude
to dozens of new faces in weeks,
learning how to share pieces of myself
without bleeding out—
pouring carefully, not emptying,
offering warmth without erasure.

---

To have worn so many masks
that my face forgot its own shape.
To have built personalities like scaffolding—
temporary, necessary, exhausting—
only to realize
that being myself
was the only thing anyone needed.

What I have to give
is love, understanding, patience, kindness.
They cost nothing.
They are renewable.
They fill my cup instead of draining it.

So I ask myself:
Is this people-pleasing or relationship-building?
Is it hypervigilance or empathy,
or simply the recognition
that I carry light
and can set it down beside someone else
without losing my own?

Vulnerability is the birthplace of change.
And I am ready.

---

Ready to unmask.
To unburden.
To unravel
and stitch myself back together
with intention.

I am learning and unlearning—
again and again—
that I didn’t have to do it alone,
that I don’t have to do it alone now.

To find the missing pieces.
To melt the gold.
To fill the fractures with love,
therapy,
medication,
with men and women
who see the real me
and do not flinch.

Who watch me stumble and fall
and offer hands, not ultimatums.
Kind words, not commands.

---

To do what my father could not.
To be who he cannot.
To repair what he did not break—
but broke in me.

To unhear and unlearn and unremember
the voice that became my inner weather:

You’re weak.
You’re a pussy.
You hit like a girl.
You’re a retard.

This is what I am paying to excavate
while debating ethics and legality.
If five thousand dollars fell from the sky—
would you catch it?
If it saved you?
If it saved your family?

That question became an argument.
An argument sharp enough
for him to regret my education,
to throw it back at me,
to call it worthless—
while I hold a master’s,
while I have built more with less,
gone further on thinner ground.

I have done more with less help.
I have survived without a net.

---

Emotions are chaotic and messy
when numbness finally cracks.
They arrive loud,
uninvited,
terrifying.

Feel.
Feel.
Feel.
Stay.

Sit with it.
Breathe with it.
Write it down
before it writes you.

Change what you can.
Accept what you cannot.
Learn the difference.
Find the wisdom.
Find the courage.
Find the serenity
that comes from staying.

---

Face the future—
whether real or imagined,
whether prophecy or trauma
wearing a disguise.

Let the other voice sink back underground—
the one dripping venom,
fed by years of abuse,
by inherited self-loathing
soaked into skin,
into muscle,
into memory.

This body learned survival early.
This brain hardened where it had to.
Scarred—
emotionally, financially, physically—
but still standing.

This mind is done running.
Done pretending
that who I am
is something to escape.

---

I am a helper.
I help others
and I am learning to help myself.

I do not have to empty my cup
to fill someone else’s.
There is room here—
enough space
to hold others
because I am finally holding myself.

Look for the helpers.
Be a helper.

I am a helper
who asks for help.

And I want to stay angry
because anger feels safer
than grief—
safer than the pain,
the sadness,
the loss
of what cannot be repaired
by the one who broke it.

But I am learning
to brave the depths of my own soul,
to descend instead of recoil,
to name and process the trauma
rather than keep it caged at the surface—

so the pain doesn’t live
one breath away from eruption,
so it doesn’t stay coiled
just beneath my skin,
waiting to spill.

So it can move.
So it can settle.
So it can finally loosen its grip
and make room
for something quieter than survival.

#MentalHealth #Grief #Abuse #PTSD #Depression #Addiction #SubstanceUseDisorders #MajorDepressiveDisorder