The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive

I feel like my brain is stuck in fight or flight mode, and idk how to escape this. 2 nights this week I have not slept a minute. I’m missing work bc of this. I could loose my job. I just got put on Wellbutrin last month and I think it’s causing more harm than good. I got an appointment with my mental health provider on Monday. I don’t know if this is a manic episode or pure insomnia. The sleep medications aren’t working. I just wish my brain would chill out. 💕💕💕

#Mania #Bipolar2Disorder #Insomnia #fightorflight #Speaklife #TheSecretLifeOfTheManicDepressive

I have come to the conclusion...revelation rather, that I suck at living, I just can’t get it right. I’m always scared at being happy because the happier I am the harder I fall ... and boy do I fall hard ... I fall so hard that I want to crawl out of myself...”escape” myself and hover over my body and get the relief that it’s over- thank God! I get anxiety and sometimes a bit terrified when I realize I’m laughing out loud or happy... so I go back to my shell hoping the happiness police didn’t see me 😔... I don’t think I’ve ever gotten it right, I just suck at living, some people suck at painting or being Presidents, and the one thing I’m certain I suck at is living/being alive... I’m anxious every day and take deep breaths like I’m not getting enough oxygen or as if they’ll be a shortage soon and the more I inhale I get a feeling that I’m inhaling the one thing I suck at -live...I’m sad, I really am... I’m also tired, I feel like I can’t do anything right, I’m so tired, I’m emotionally exhausted, I can’t hide in this shell forever because live requires me to live, it demands it continuously... the irony 😂 ... it’s like life is just mocking me while it watches me curl into a ball and the waterfall begins... #Anxiety #sad #Life #TheSecretLifeOfTheManicDepressive #DepressionAndBipolarSupportAlliance

Last Saturday I decided I wouldn’t call ‘this person’ first bc things have been kind of rough lately and I always make the first contact. Sunday night I sent him a text that said: You are a jerk. ((Yeah, childish I know)). I hadn’t heard from him in over 24 hours. We talk multiple times everyday usually.
Backstory: We were living together for 3 years, I’ve known him for 13... but we were never romantically involved until the last 3 when I found out he was separated. The last 2 years he’s had problems getting his divorce finalized, and I’m pretty sure it’s 80% him not doing what he needs to at this point.
So. Fast fwd to yesterday: Still nothing. No call. My blood began boiling yesterday and I called him asking him what the deal was. He said he’s been sick, went into the hospital, and has been out for 2 days. He got crazy defensive, told me I hurt his feelings w my ‘jerk’ text and he was giving me space.
It was the last straw. I’m tired of the games. I’m tired of him buying me things instead of acting on his words. I’m tired of the ‘I’m sorrys’. I’m trying to choose me. Maybe I was childish for the text, but if he was sick enough to be admitted to the hospital and he loves me as he says he does he should have let me know. I told him I hope he does well with his future and hung up.
It’s so hard for me to let ppl go. Especially a man I admired for so long. As someone with an abusive father it’s sad bc I’ve never known positive love from a man. My step father was the only positive male influence I’ve ever had in my life and he passed away. I didn’t realize how much he meant to me until he was gone. Right now, I’m hoping I can manage my #BipolarDepression without hypersexuality and extreme highs and lows trying to leave ‘this person’ alone. It’s so hard to leave him alone.
#mentalhealthmatters #Bettertogether #CheckInWithMe #TheSecretLifeOfTheManicDepressive #Hypersexuality

im stuck in a low. I was rolling for two weeks and now im just stuck and the ONE person i NEED to understand doesnt. Im alone. Im not feeling good enough. Between my bpd and this im so lost. Today im seriously struggling to love any part of me. Im struggling and he doesn't care and would rather call me crazy or push buttons until he gets me to explode it shouldnt feel that way. Im rambling now but im just.. im so tired of living this way. Im tired of never being understood. Im tired of feeling unloved unwanted and not needed. Im tired of crying. Im tired of trying to pull myself out because this time it just isnt working. I just want to scream and scream and scream until i pass out. I cant do that because the amazing little people i love that love me unconditionally, need me. Especially my middle baby- level 3 autism (nonverbal).

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder ##TheSecretLifeOfTheManicDepressive #Alonewithnosupport ##momsdontgetdaysoff #momsdontquit

Some days I wake up feeling like a complete different person. I just feel sad and the person next to me believes they’ve done something wrong. They haven’t done anything wrong. Now it creeps up that I have done something wrong.
I hope all of you have a better day.

I’ve been diagnosed bipolar depressive with anxiety, PTSD, & ADHD for 4 years now and quite stable. After my best friend died, I stopped sleeping. Ever since then I try to sleep and hear voices, or demonic whispers- I can’t tell if it’s from lack of sleep or if it’s real. I started reading about how you can experience psychosis during times of extreme stress. Does anyone else hallucinate ?

Because I am still dealing with my own suicidal thoughts. So I try my best to write something positive and helpful but honestly I will skip the triggering details and move on. I try to be a support but I want to let it be known I hear you and I support you from afar and I care that you stay alive. I just need to do what is best for myself sometimes and not read all of your posts. I’m sorry if it’s selfish. #Suicide #Bipolar1 #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #CheckInWithMe #TheSecretLifeOfTheManicDepressive