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When you regret having surgery

What do you do when you truly honestly regret having surgery?

I honestly shouldn't have done it. Has caused nothing but problems . Can't really eat oh well. Because I can't really open my mouth and no one really gets it. I look so deformed it's not even funny. I don't want to go outside because I look hideous like Frankstine.
This wasn't what I was asking for. I didn't even want to do this.
I find myself taking more pain meds so I can just sleep because if I am sleeping I am not a bother.
I haven't done anything right at all.



Why do I bother

We bought this house three years ago. It was my dream home. Despite my depression, my physical pain, my bipolar issues, I kept this house clean and organized.
Then my daughter and her at the time boyfriend moved in with their two cats and their two dogs. The boyfriend was an alcoholic who would drink himself to oblivion and then vomit everywhere. He damaged my main bathroom wall by pulling off the towel rack. He attempted to hang a tv on the wall in the bedroom causing huge holes there. When she finally kicked him out, he took one of the dogs with him.
The dogs pooped all over my dining room carpet when they fell ill. I have cleaned it repeatedly and can’t get it clean. The cats fight for dominance and it a constant battle cleaning up after them.
We have had to pull up carpet that I can’t afford to replace. There is damage everywhere. I love my daughter but she drops and goes. Her stuff is all over. The house reeks of cat piss and of the giant Bull Mastiff I now reside with. I don’t have the energy to keep up with the constant clean up. My once beautiful house is now such a mess I won’t let people over. And the house stinks.
None of this is helping my depression. I look around and feel like I am failing at life because I can’t keep up with simple house work. I just want to hide in my bed and cry.
Thank gawd I have my sewing lately. It’s the only thing I look forward to doing. #Depression #BipolarDisorder #Feelingsorryformyself #Feelingoverwhelmed #CVID #hopeless #neverendingcycle


Unmotivated & Confused

I’m feeling super unmotivated these past two weeks. I got invited to go to one my friends house to watch church and hang out with the sisters but I’m honestly thinking about cancelling. I want to keep my job but I don’t know how to drive and don’t know when I will be learning and catching public transportation and going to work has been super hard on my health lately and it’s not getting any better (my health declines more and more every week it seems like). I decided to stay home from work today. I’ve been catching rides (Uber) but I can’t keep up with spending 25+ dollars everyday to get back and forth to work and save money it’s impossible. I need some advice, encouragement, anything. I could quit my job and go back to unemployment and save and pay for my insurance that way or I could find a new job, but I don’t want anything that would be straineous but also pays well. Somebody help please 🤦🏾‍♀️ #Anxiety #Depression #Unmotivated #Feelingsorryformyself #confused #Undiagnosed


More than just sensory overloaded and totally exhausted.

Today is a crappy day. It started when I woke up and read the news. There, I read about the next Corona actions. Now, they are about to reduce our range of motion to 9 miles. Although I know that I'm not a big fan of traveling long distances because of my travel sickness, I got furious because of this negative news. I'm also afraid of more ordinances and more severe ordinances by the politicians, like curfews for example.
Just because of this negative news, I got sensory overloaded and I had a slight meltdown and a panic attack. Later, we cleaned the kitchen, and the strong smell of the cleanser caused a headache and a shutdown. My neighbors in the apartments next to mine and in the apartment above mine are always arguing loudly with their wives. Now, I am extremely drained and exhausted, and besides this, I have a headache, an upset stomach, I feel sorry for having a meltdown, a panic attack, and a shutdown in that same afternoon. I also feel sorry for getting rude and aggressive because of my anxiety attack and my meltdown. The only thing I want for now is just skipping the rest of this crappy day as it is sensory hell and unsurvivable for me. I even don't want to watch wrestling tonight, although I'm always looking forward to watch it. I don't know to cope with this crappy day. #Anxiety #AutismMeltdown #Autism #autismspectrumcondition #AutismShutdown #Drained #ExhaustedAlways #exhaustion #chronic Gastritis #Chronicexhaustion #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS #SensoryOverloads #SensoryDisorder #SensoryIssues #Depression #PTSD #AutisticAdults #AutisticExhaustion #deadinisde #aggressive #depressed #aggression #Anxietyanddepression #AnxietyAttack #AngerManagement #Feelingsorryformyself #feelingunabletofunction #feelingdeainside #EmotionalBlackouts #mentalblackouts


#Friends #SocialAnxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #PTSD #EDNOS #Feelingsorryformyself

I want friends but my anxiety prevents me from socializing. Often when I make friends I have too many trust issues or I feel they are superficial as they don’t understand a huge piece of me my mental health.


I just want someone to take care of me

I'm usually very independent, even on my sickest days. Today, however, I just want to have someone take care of me...get my meds for me, pick up my home, get me some water. Do you ever get tired of caring for yourself? What do you do? #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #ChronicPancreatitis #Feelingsorryformyself


There are days that I feel like I had it all together. Days that I feel like I can conquer myself. Days that I feel like I’ve unlocked the secrets of the universe. But most days I’m feeling the opposite and it’s paralyzing.

#Feelingsorryformyself #feelingstuck



I wish others knew how hard it really is. That they could understand how hard I’m fighting for a ‘normal ‘ life. I wish they understood how lonely being sick leaves me. Not being able to participate in almost everything and spending my days alone at home. #Feelingsorryformyself #SpoonieProblems #Lifesucks #keepfighting


Rant of the day

Just got back to work after a sickday. I really hate the looks of my co-workers. I know they try. But sometimes I can just see how they judge me because I look the same every day and they don’t see anything wrong with me. #InvisibleDisability #EDS #Feelingsorryformyself #Feelinglikeafailure