A Fight Worth Finishing

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A Fight Worth Finishing
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I have withheld, from my husband, how bad my mental health has gotten since my recent breakdown. In my attempt to find a way to tell him I wrote very small pieces of what it's like for me. Over a few days I had many, although not my initial intention, I put them together, made some adjustments, and now I have this...

Familiar pains viciously gripping my soul
I'm wrapped in chains, I've nowhere to go.
My days are spent in silence, every day feels the same.
As I watch my thoughts like a movie
I'm the star, in every scene.
I have no control, I can't make them go away
Not a single button works when this movie starts to play.

My psychiatrist said "They're called ego-dystonic intrusive thoughts if they go against what you believe. But if you really want to die, you know I can't let you leave."

My nights are spent sleeping with the help of a little pill
When the nightmares started I was only 14;
I'm 39 and having them still.
The movie in the day is different than in my dreams.
It's more like a prequel to the one in my sleep.
This one is over, or so it may seem,
And in the place where credits should be
A slideshow of pictures dance on the screen.
Each photo telling it's own story of a lifetime of abuse
And the options from which I have
When there's nothing else to live for
And nothing left to lose.

The memories are too painful to live through them again
So I take my little pill and climb into my bed.
The effects take hold quickly, no sense in putting up a fight.
As I drift away I quietly pray I won't make it through the night.
But the morning always comes
And I do it all over again, just like I've always done.

With a mask so great the smile reaches my eyes
And that smile so beautiful you can't tell it's a lie
It wears me down more every time that I try
To keep up the facade that I'm not dying inside

I can barely cook dinner, thoughts take over my mind
Standing there shaking, my thoughts start to fight
I'm a good person, a mom, and a wife!
But there's my wrist on the left and in my right hand, the knife
I only want the pain to stop, I really don't want to die
But when the sadness and torment take over
Just about anything seems worth giving a try
Again, I fight the urge just as I did yesterday
Put the knife down on the counter and turn and walk away
With stains on my face from tears of guilt, fear, and shame
Which serve as a reminder I have survived once again
In this battle against myself I know I can never really win

But tomorrow I will get up and survive the day the same
Because I am a candle daring to stay lit in the middle of a hurricane.
Now, there's one thing I know to be a fact;
My darling, there is nothing more fucking brave than that.

April 2023
#AFightWorthFinishing #ThisIsMyBrave #IAmStrongerThanMyDiagnosis

32 reactions 6 comments

#Depression #Hope #IfYouFeelHopeless #darkness #OnedayAtaTime #BipolarDisorder #MentalHealth #perseverance #AFightWorthFinishing

The Light Returns

Each night I watch the sun disappear
As the light fades I become filled with fear
Will I ever be able to see the beauty again
I’m curled on the floor my mind screaming when, when, when
The cold floor causes my body to shake like a leaf in the fall wind
I want to move but the darkness has me pinned
I used to have strength to stand tall again
Right now I feel so close to the absolute end
I take a deep breath watching my chest rise and fall
Stand tall, stand tall, stand tall I hear someone call
I have endured what feels like an eternity of darkness
But now the light begins to seep in and I can once again see my purpose
It’s as if my eyes are open for the first time
I lost track of my path because I had become blind
I look up now and the light fills my mind body and soul
With the love of others I’ve been pulled out of the black hole
Before darkness comes again
I take some light and store it in a sacred bin
I’m reminded that the darkness doesn’t have to erase my hope
Instead it can clean it with a simple bar of soap
So I don’t wait for the bitter end to arrive
I look at my my life moving forward walking with a tall confident stride

8 reactions 1 comment

Inside the darkness #Depression #AFightWorthFinishing #darkness #Poetry

I feel broken, burnt, and defeated
It’s like something I can’t get a second of relief from

It’s as if I’m deep in a well and the rope is 4 feet too short
Is it me or has my mind taken reality and begun to distort

Not long ago I saw light and hope
I sit here now almost pleading for a bag of dope

The exit door is lit up like a Christmas tree
I feel walking thru there is the only way to feel free

But still I wake up each day and pray to god for the sun to rise so that I can see thru the darkness that’s so intense I can’t even see my feet
How do I move forward when I can’t see my next step on this jagged concrete?

How do I keep believing when I feel torn into a million little pieces?
I spend all of my energy trying to piece them back together but my frustration only increases

Is there a way out of this madness
I no longer feel anything inside not even sadness

I want to hold on for the sake of others
But not finding it in myself to do it for me has me losing sight of the effect on my sisters and brothers

I no longer feel that I qualify as sane
Like a dark monster took over my brain

12 reactions 4 comments

The challenge begins #Battle #AFightWorthFinishing #Realisation #Support

Today was a chat. Not any kind of random chat where you giggle at the most silliest of moments but a reality check chat. It was the C talk! I didn't feel it was going to go well.... Well why would it as I knew just from what the topic was it was going to be horrible. I have so much support handed to me which is great to battle the C I need a army but at times I wish I could single handle the C on it's on. I'm very lucky! The question is........ Why do I wish to fight this alone? Why do I push those closest away? Why does my heart feel it is about to jump and leap onto my lap?


Kicking my ass back into self love.

Im doing something I've been putting off due to negativity. Im starting to take care of myself in every which way. Like it or not. Im forcing myself to smile and be happy with life's issues and whatever bullshit gets thrown at me. Im tired of letting the negativity get the best of me. Its my turn to take back what belongs to me. I deserve to be happy and I'm getting that back on my own. #selflovemeanstome #EnoughIsEnough #Happiness #makingmyownhappiness #AFightWorthFinishing

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For anyone struggling #CheckInWithMe

This is an image from a page in the book I am currently reading. It’s a lonely summer evening for me and I needed to hear these words more than ever at this moment. Hope it helps you too. #Depression #Anxiety #Dysautonomia #MentalHealth #BipolarDepression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #AnorexiaNervosa #AFightWorthFinishing

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I loved this one #Brainvsbody #Bipolrdisorder #AFightWorthFinishing #PhysicalTherapy

. “Your body and your mind sort of become separate. For example, when you’re in a depressive episode and can’t get out of bed, your brain screams at you, trying to force you to get up, but your body doesn’t listen. Then, during a manic episode, your body screams at you to let it rest, but your brain’s all, ‘No. We gotta finish rearranging your room by one in the morning so we have time to finish a hardcover notebook and read two novels before the sun shows up.’” — Reinrose B.


TMS #Depression #Hope #AFightWorthFinishing

Please take the time to look into this as it saved my life. I no longer suffer from
Chronic depression as I used to...now when there are those moments of sadness I usually bounce back within a day or so! Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, or TMS (also referred to as “repetitive TMS”) is a localized, non-invasive outpatient procedure in which magnetic energy is directed towards specific areas of the patient’s brain. TMS is a new treatment intervention, approved by the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for patients suffering from depression and whose symptoms have not improved adequately with antidepressant medications and psychotherapy.

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