darkness

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To share or not to share?

Ever have a day where you want someone to talk to? But for them to truly listen…. Not to react or respond. Just sit there so you aren’t alone. But I feel like now a days that’s so hard to find.

Sit with me in my darkness, even if it doesn’t make sense to you.

#sitwithme #darkness #listen #notalone

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Tick tock, tick tock❗️ # anxiety#darkness #hopeless

The past few days have been good, not awesome but stable enough, I got my first 8hr continuous sleep in months. I have managed to catch some breath. At some point I was convinced that somehow I had managed to get a brief glimpse of the light in my life. No significant milestones to celebrate but at least nothing was burning, so far. But I realised that I don’t know how to take in these moments of stability, it always feels like a ticking time bomb waiting to burn me to ashes, this makes me even more anxious. Could it be that I’m built to thrive in chaos because my chaos seems better than this false sense of stability. I seek freedom from my anxiety, I pray for stability, but when I get it, tick tock , tick tock, whilst I wait for my world to fall apart.That’s even scarier , I tell myself be careful what you wish for my girl. At this point I want to run to my love and tell him to protect me from the monsters in my head, but what if the monsters scare him further away from me,I am my own worst enemy. I want to run to my angels , but until when will they still stand for me, at what point do I cease to be worthy ,how long will they understand me and fight for me, don’t they have their own demons to fight. Maybe I could run to the bottle, just one glass to numb it all up, but I know that’s the devil in colour to lead me to my grave, I fight the strong urge to hide behind a glass, I really want to be better. So I stay in my silence and hope that God really is watching for me. One day I will be able to walk out of this darkness full of life and colour. For now I find comfort in my words and hope someone somewhere out there gets me. Tick Tock I wait in my silent darkness.

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Black cloud engulfs again

It’s like being stuck in a thick black cloud of darkness. One you can’t see your way out of #ChronicDepression #Depression #darkness #Anxiety

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#Depression #Hope #IfYouFeelHopeless #darkness #OnedayAtaTime #BipolarDisorder #MentalHealth #perseverance #AFightWorthFinishing

The Light Returns

Each night I watch the sun disappear
As the light fades I become filled with fear
Will I ever be able to see the beauty again
I’m curled on the floor my mind screaming when, when, when
The cold floor causes my body to shake like a leaf in the fall wind
I want to move but the darkness has me pinned
I used to have strength to stand tall again
Right now I feel so close to the absolute end
I take a deep breath watching my chest rise and fall
Stand tall, stand tall, stand tall I hear someone call
I have endured what feels like an eternity of darkness
But now the light begins to seep in and I can once again see my purpose
It’s as if my eyes are open for the first time
I lost track of my path because I had become blind
I look up now and the light fills my mind body and soul
With the love of others I’ve been pulled out of the black hole
Before darkness comes again
I take some light and store it in a sacred bin
I’m reminded that the darkness doesn’t have to erase my hope
Instead it can clean it with a simple bar of soap
So I don’t wait for the bitter end to arrive
I look at my my life moving forward walking with a tall confident stride

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Crushed

Anyone totally crushed by learning tWitch took his life? I feel gutted by it. I can't function. But I feel like I have no right to my feelings because I didn't actually know him. I have been in an unusually extended dark place for a while now and this hit hard. I can't talk to anyone about it....no one in my life would get it and they would call my feelings selfish. Yet I feel incapacitated. #Twitch #darkness #struggling

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Inside the darkness #Depression #AFightWorthFinishing #darkness #Poetry

I feel broken, burnt, and defeated
It’s like something I can’t get a second of relief from

It’s as if I’m deep in a well and the rope is 4 feet too short
Is it me or has my mind taken reality and begun to distort

Not long ago I saw light and hope
I sit here now almost pleading for a bag of dope

The exit door is lit up like a Christmas tree
I feel walking thru there is the only way to feel free

But still I wake up each day and pray to god for the sun to rise so that I can see thru the darkness that’s so intense I can’t even see my feet
How do I move forward when I can’t see my next step on this jagged concrete?

How do I keep believing when I feel torn into a million little pieces?
I spend all of my energy trying to piece them back together but my frustration only increases

Is there a way out of this madness
I no longer feel anything inside not even sadness

I want to hold on for the sake of others
But not finding it in myself to do it for me has me losing sight of the effect on my sisters and brothers

I no longer feel that I qualify as sane
Like a dark monster took over my brain

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Hardest times and beautiful places

On Monday it was my birthday, I was in such a wonderful place with siberian deers and does walking in front of my window ....but...I had and still have a Multiple sclerosis flare up...I feel horrible ..plus all the situation in my country is getting unstoppably worse and hardly bearable at all....plus some personal issues with my relationships upset me much....
All in all I feel very very much down this week....😔 Only my pets, kind words and small gifts from kind people I'm lucky to know keep me from drowning in the darkness....
#Depression #Anxiety #ChronicIlless #MultipleSclerosis #Flareup #Fear #IntrusiveThoughts #darkness

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