darkness

I've created a triptych to visualise the darkness that swallowed me after getting my MS diagnosis...

click on the link to find out more and see the 2nd painting of this artwork :)

youtu.be/Ng_BR2G9R_A

#MultipleSclerosis #darkness #Depression #Sadness #ChronicIllness #Art

The Light Returns

Each night I watch the sun disappear
As the light fades I become filled with fear
Will I ever be able to see the beauty again
I’m curled on the floor my mind screaming when, when, when
The cold floor causes my body to shake like a leaf in the fall wind
I want to move but the darkness has me pinned
I used to have strength to stand tall again
Right now I feel so close to the absolute end
I take a deep breath watching my chest rise and fall
Stand tall, stand tall, stand tall I hear someone call
I have endured what feels like an eternity of darkness
But now the light begins to seep in and I can once again see my purpose
It’s as if my eyes are open for the first time
I lost track of my path because I had become blind
I look up now and the light fills my mind body and soul
With the love of others I’ve been pulled out of the black hole
Before darkness comes again
I take some light and store it in a sacred bin
I’m reminded that the darkness doesn’t have to erase my hope
Instead it can clean it with a simple bar of soap
So I don’t wait for the bitter end to arrive
I look at my my life moving forward walking with a tall confident stride

Anyone totally crushed by learning tWitch took his life? I feel gutted by it. I can't function. But I feel like I have no right to my feelings because I didn't actually know him. I have been in an unusually extended dark place for a while now and this hit hard. I can't talk to anyone about it....no one in my life would get it and they would call my feelings selfish. Yet I feel incapacitated. #Twitch #darkness #struggling

I feel broken, burnt, and defeated
It’s like something I can’t get a second of relief from

It’s as if I’m deep in a well and the rope is 4 feet too short
Is it me or has my mind taken reality and begun to distort

Not long ago I saw light and hope
I sit here now almost pleading for a bag of dope

The exit door is lit up like a Christmas tree
I feel walking thru there is the only way to feel free

But still I wake up each day and pray to god for the sun to rise so that I can see thru the darkness that’s so intense I can’t even see my feet
How do I move forward when I can’t see my next step on this jagged concrete?

How do I keep believing when I feel torn into a million little pieces?
I spend all of my energy trying to piece them back together but my frustration only increases

Is there a way out of this madness
I no longer feel anything inside not even sadness

I want to hold on for the sake of others
But not finding it in myself to do it for me has me losing sight of the effect on my sisters and brothers

I no longer feel that I qualify as sane
Like a dark monster took over my brain

I just wish people wouldn’t blow me off. Or act like my feelings are too big. Or get so uncomfortable when I try express what I am going through that they get off the phone or rush the conversation. I get it’s uncomfortable, unpleasant, scary, taboo. Whatever word you want. But it is happening and it is happening to me. I need my people. They act like they can’t handle it but what about me? They may say sound selfish. But sorry your feelings are uncomfortable but I am planning my funeral so my parents know my wishes should that happen. Like get a backbone and be there!

Friend: some people can’t handle death… they can’t comprehend it.

I can’t either so it is frustrating when trying to process and people are like I don’t this well. Well fuck you! I need my people. That is my biggest fear about dying. Not having my people, being without my twin, who will comfort mom who is having a nervous break down, who will take care of dad while he is aging, who will be there to hug me in the darkness? And the darkness isn’t here yet and I am already alone…

#Gastroperasis #COVID #longcovid #longhauler #Stroke #Dystonia #Seizures #tubie #PegTube #StarvingToDeath #IronDisorder #ImmuneDeficient #Death #FinalWishes #darkness #BigFeelings #TooBig #iamvalid #valid #LeftBehind #DoNoLeave #Twin