this is my Brave

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I have withheld, from my husband, how bad my mental health has gotten since my recent breakdown. In my attempt to find a way to tell him I wrote very small pieces of what it's like for me. Over a few days I had many, although not my initial intention, I put them together, made some adjustments, and now I have this...

Familiar pains viciously gripping my soul
I'm wrapped in chains, I've nowhere to go.
My days are spent in silence, every day feels the same.
As I watch my thoughts like a movie
I'm the star, in every scene.
I have no control, I can't make them go away
Not a single button works when this movie starts to play.

My psychiatrist said "They're called ego-dystonic intrusive thoughts if they go against what you believe. But if you really want to die, you know I can't let you leave."

My nights are spent sleeping with the help of a little pill
When the nightmares started I was only 14;
I'm 39 and having them still.
The movie in the day is different than in my dreams.
It's more like a prequel to the one in my sleep.
This one is over, or so it may seem,
And in the place where credits should be
A slideshow of pictures dance on the screen.
Each photo telling it's own story of a lifetime of abuse
And the options from which I have
When there's nothing else to live for
And nothing left to lose.

The memories are too painful to live through them again
So I take my little pill and climb into my bed.
The effects take hold quickly, no sense in putting up a fight.
As I drift away I quietly pray I won't make it through the night.
But the morning always comes
And I do it all over again, just like I've always done.

With a mask so great the smile reaches my eyes
And that smile so beautiful you can't tell it's a lie
It wears me down more every time that I try
To keep up the facade that I'm not dying inside

I can barely cook dinner, thoughts take over my mind
Standing there shaking, my thoughts start to fight
I'm a good person, a mom, and a wife!
But there's my wrist on the left and in my right hand, the knife
I only want the pain to stop, I really don't want to die
But when the sadness and torment take over
Just about anything seems worth giving a try
Again, I fight the urge just as I did yesterday
Put the knife down on the counter and turn and walk away
With stains on my face from tears of guilt, fear, and shame
Which serve as a reminder I have survived once again
In this battle against myself I know I can never really win

But tomorrow I will get up and survive the day the same
Because I am a candle daring to stay lit in the middle of a hurricane.
Now, there's one thing I know to be a fact;
My darling, there is nothing more fucking brave than that.

April 2023
#AFightWorthFinishing #ThisIsMyBrave #IAmStrongerThanMyDiagnosis

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I Decide My Vibe

Honestly not feeling well today, BUT the good news is I get to choose to rest if I need to! In the past I let people guilt trip me into doing things I didn’t feel like doing, I was giving my power away. Now, I Decide My Vibe! #ChronicMigraines #Migraines #ChronicPain #Pain #ADHD #OccipitalNeuralgia #Anxiety #Depression #OnedayAtaTime #vibes #ThisIsMyBrave

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My Whole Heart In One Photo

Theses beautiful people are my precious amazing children. My reasons for fighting, surviving, courage, strength and hope. They have no idea how they’ve changed me over the years. How they’ve inspired me to do better and be better. They are the single most important influences in my life. Individually they are each tenacious, brilliant, funny and compassionate. Together they are a force to be reckoned with against the world. My greatest sources of joy, encouragement, motivation and kindness. My greatest loves in life call me “Mom”. I love you most. #MightyMoms #Inspiration #Love #courage #ThisIsMyBrave

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Rolling Real & Raw

Holy Sh&$t!!! I went raw and real
I made a you tube channel
Called it “Rolling Real & Raw”
Right now it is just my Ramblings
I guess that’s a whole lot of R&R 😂🤣

#notalone #Depression #Anxiety #ADHD #Disability #MentalHealth #ThisIsMyBrave

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Going back to College


I haven’t been in college for 12 years. After unmedicated social anxiety disorder, attention deficit disorder and drug addiction destroyed my academic life, I never thought I would get the chance to achieve my dream of being a college graduate. As I stand here I know that not all days will be good days but today is one of those rare moments where all is right in the world and I am exactly where I need to be.

I am exactly who I am meant to be.


Now, Keep Going #ThisIsMyBrave #nostigmas #livingstigmafree

On Monday, October 08, 2018, I participated in the This is My Brave event in Boise. I suffer from biloplar1, PTSD, OCD anxiety, and hypersomnia. I stood up in front of a crowd of over 100 people, including my husband and former co-workers. I told my story of the depths mental illness sunk me to, so far down I tried electroconvulsive therapy ( #ECT). I discussed the risks, the damages, and would I do it over again. I felt a sense of redemption. Others told me it was powerful. I hope to continue telling my story to fight the stigma mental illness, hospitalization, and treatments that exist.

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