Warning: Long Post. Calling myself out: I tell lies. I admit this with sadness in my heart for myself & those that I lie to. I do not lie to be hurtful or malicious. What makes me lie to others? It’s a deep rooted defense mechanism for me. It helps keep me safe, both physically and mentally. I tell lies to let people hear what THEY want to hear, rarely (but getting better at it) do I say the whole truth. Yikes!, what if I tried to show my true, authentic self...the truth that will set me free? The lies aren’t criminal or anything of that nature. They generally slip off my tongue to make other people feel better, not be disappointed in me, give me assumed grief if I don’t do or say what they want me to. I take 100% accountability for lying. Again, it’s not meant to hurt anyone or to be malicious. The saddest part to me is how much I lie to myself. I tell myself that I’m going to go walk my 4 miles every day b/c I know it makes me feel good physically & mentally...but, when morning comes I give some kind of a excuse to myself and don’t do it....but I will tell people that I did it b/c they ask every single day if I’ve done it...which I know comes from a good, well-meaning place. I think the only person that I’m totally real with is my daughter. I tell myself one thing, but telling is one thing...action backs it up. And, that my friends, is what I lie about. No one is holding a gun to my head to either lie or tell half-truths. There are sooo many lies that I tell myself: you’re not good enough; you’ll never be as pretty & as outgoing as your sisters; you’re damaged goods; your mental disabilities will never get better; success is not deserved...these lies are what holds me back. As I mentioned above, I take 100% ownership/accountability for the lies I tell/commit. I fear the TRUTH! Because what if I can’t keep it up, be truly authentic to myself, what if I DO succeed?! When you’ve spent a lifetime telling these type of lies, to protect the little 5 year old child inside me from harm to 40+ years later doing the same thing, it’s hurtful to myself. I’m not doing myself any favors. I NEED to be truthful to myself to completely move forward. No one can do this for me, no enabling to “help” me or make me feel better. I NEED to stand on my own, not totally alone for I do have wonderfully supportive family, but stand on my own. Actions speak louder than words. My truth IS good enough, I just have to prove it to myself before anyone else. (SORRY FOR THE LONG POST...actually, that’s not true. I’m not sorry I expressed myself on this topic & realize that it is none of my business if people want to read it or scroll on by). Anyway, those are my thoughts this Thursday evening. #Truth #lies #authenticity #defense #actions
I am not good at explaining/wording my issues & emotions...YET, Natasha penned EXACTLY what I have thought and said for the last couple of months (for the uptenth time over the years)!
TODAY...I met w/a #Psychiatrist for the 1st time in years; after referral from several counseling sessions . YEARS of attempts to feel better...with only #negative results on #Antidepressants for "#reoccurrent #major #Depression #episodes " & #fleeting episodes of excitement for life, family, activities has a new name...#Bipolar #Disorder ‼️
I am in #shock ...yet, shouldn't be anything but hopeful. #HOPEFULLY , my "maybe tomorrows" will lessen, with #Medication #treatment I began today!
My #Family needs me. My #Friends need me. My #Church needs me...HOPEFULLY, with an appropriate regimen, I can show them how much I TRULY WANT AND NEED THEM! I always have...although my #actions definitely make them feel otherwise!!!
I look forward to the day I can be a useful member of society again! The day I WANT to get up, shower & dress for work, attend church, grocery shop, run errands, take care of financial obligations, meet my daughter's or friends for coffee/lunch, go on a "date" with my handsome and patient husband.
Unfortunately TODAY, I am currently having an #Anxiety #attack as I type these thoughts...And Now must hurry home to go back to #bed & hide!
MAYBE ...HOPEFULLY...#TOMORROW
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