This is all (in my opinion). I'm sure a lot of people might think differently about your disease or your meds. Maybe you don't take meds at all. When I bakeracted myself I found out that people with bipolar needed to be on mood stabilizers our entire lives. My mood stabilizer works primarily to balance the serotonin levels in my brain. Ok enough of that. This might all be true, but its it's not the reason for my post.
I had a conversation with my therapist, 2 weeks ago, and I said to her, they all think I'm lying or I'm faking it. Looking for a way to get out of work or lay about doing nothing. They believe bipolar is just something I can just shake off or ignore. I wish. They have no idea how this feels. Leslie, do you have any idea how painful a mood stabilizer is? She said no.
I told her my mood stabilizer is my second skin, my straitjacket, my wet blanket. I can feel my bipolar in my head, in my body, under my skin, under the surface...but I can't let it out. I have done some pretty horrible things during an episode and so for my own safety and others I can't let it out, but I feel it. All the time. I read an article once and in it the man said "I need the highs, so I can handle the lows". I don't get to have either one.
When I'm sad. Really sad. All I get to do is cry. I dont get to scream and rage like I used too. The heart wrenching sobs are trapped inside and nobody knows how much pain I'm in. Then they have the nerve to say I'm faking it. Or using it as a crutch. And then when I need I want or need energy maybe with coffee or an energy drink I can make it through dishes and work, taking care of my son...but I dont get the high, the rush. Of not needing sleep, being the life of the party, laughing, dancing, just feeling free. Instead I always feel trapped. However it's in my head, you cant see it on my skin and so no one believes me.
Its It's just so frustrating. It makes me want to scream. That I have to take medication I hate, to be someone I'm not. That I have to struggle to fit in. That I can't live one single day with stability. My job, my home life, my relationships...everything is affected. I dont know if anyone else can relate, but this has been my 25 year fight. I'm only 34.
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