episodes

I've been diagnosed with depression but I feel that maybe I have something more going on with my brain?

I have these...episodes, where I disengage and I become a horrible person. I can do a complete 180 where I'm telling you that I never want our relationship to end and then the next tell you to forget about me, block me and that your life is much better without me. I get into such a state that I'm crying all the water left in my body and I'm shouting and I go on and on and don't stop. Can't stop. I've brought loved ones to breaking point. But here's the thing, I dont want to hurt the people I love. I don't ever want to. Yet I still end up doing so despite how hard I try not to. I'm not being this horrible way to my loved ones on purpose. It's never my intention to hurt anyone, let alone my loved ones. But there's no hiding from the fact that I do.

Why can't I just be a good person?

Sometimes I wish my teachers and friends could see how bad it gets. Maybe I don’t. Maybe they would see me differently. Maybe they would see how much it takes for me to get up in the morning. Maybe they could see how much pain I deal with on a daily basis. How my smiles cover up the hurt. How I try my hardest not to flinch in pain. How I wish I could just curl up in a ball and cry. How much I want to tell them the truth but fear their reaction.

I would never wish this on anyone because I know how hard it can be and how hard it is to deal with it. But sometimes I wish they could see... #Dysautonomia #LivingWithPOTS #episodes #Epilepsy #DysautonomiaAwarenessMonth #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome

Today I had quite a manic depressive episode and even though dealing with the feelings was still really hard, I forced myself to eat, take my meds and keep texting people even after I was feeling scared to be near people. I’m proud of myself for just keeping my nose down and just processing it the way I felt I needed to. #Depression #episodes #sad #Manic #Crying #Selfcare #feelings

I’ve been dealing with the same depressed episode for over two years. Drugs, therapy, ECT, all of it ineffective. I’ve had at least three other stretches of 2-3 years - is that normal? It gets worse as I get older. I feel like as soon as one bout of debilitating thoughts ends another one is just around the corner. So sick of it.

A puff, and a gulp.

Again and again.

This is the ritual I have to perform

To escape the twilight encroaching

On my fragmenting mind.

My pupils are discs,

While inferences are humming,

All the while my anxiety

Has me in a choke hold.

I stand up, look down

And from this vantage see

Without a trace of doubt

Myself lying broken

At the base of oblivion

A puff, and a gulp.

Trying my damnedest

To banish my waking nightmare.

Moaning, conversing

With my twin in the mirror.

Not knowing

Reality from fantasy.

A wail of laughter

A gnashing of joy

In the deepest abyss

Before the break of dawn.

The corpse lies still

At the base of oblivion

Bearing, if anything else,

My own face.

A puff, and a gulp.

Someone whispers in the wind

And a strong arm

Embraces me.

Pulling me back

From the dark portal;

Back into the womb

Of safety

Away from deceitful

Fantasy.

A puff, and a gulp.

All that are left

Are stubs and bottles.

But there still remains

The fiery fear.

A sigh.

A deep breath.

One step back

To my hungry

Sanity.

#Bipolar , #episodes , #Depression , #Dissociation , #fight

I am not good at explaining/wording my issues & emotions...YET, Natasha penned EXACTLY what I have thought and said for the last couple of months (for the uptenth time over the years)!

TODAY...I met w/a #Psychiatrist for the 1st time in years; after referral from several counseling sessions . YEARS of attempts to feel better...with only #negative results on #Antidepressants for "#reoccurrent #major #Depression #episodes " & #fleeting episodes of excitement for life, family, activities has a new name...#Bipolar #Disorder ‼️

I am in #shock ...yet, shouldn't be anything but hopeful. #HOPEFULLY , my "maybe tomorrows" will lessen, with #Medication #treatment I began today!
My #Family needs me. My #Friends need me. My #Church needs me...HOPEFULLY, with an appropriate regimen, I can show them how much I TRULY WANT AND NEED THEM! I always have...although my #actions definitely make them feel otherwise!!!

I look forward to the day I can be a useful member of society again! The day I WANT to get up, shower & dress for work, attend church, grocery shop, run errands, take care of financial obligations, meet my daughter's or friends for coffee/lunch, go on a "date" with my handsome and patient husband.

Unfortunately TODAY, I am currently having an #Anxiety #attack as I type these thoughts...And Now must hurry home to go back to #bed & hide!
MAYBE ...HOPEFULLY...#TOMORROW