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    Is it really "just #Depression "? #DepressiveDisorders #DepressiveEpisodes #Mania #episodes

    I've been diagnosed with depression but I feel that maybe I have something more going on with my brain?

    I have these...episodes, where I disengage and I become a horrible person. I can do a complete 180 where I'm telling you that I never want our relationship to end and then the next tell you to forget about me, block me and that your life is much better without me. I get into such a state that I'm crying all the water left in my body and I'm shouting and I go on and on and don't stop. Can't stop. I've brought loved ones to breaking point. But here's the thing, I dont want to hurt the people I love. I don't ever want to. Yet I still end up doing so despite how hard I try not to. I'm not being this horrible way to my loved ones on purpose. It's never my intention to hurt anyone, let alone my loved ones. But there's no hiding from the fact that I do.

    Why can't I just be a good person?

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    Catameninal Epilepsy #FlareUps #cramps #episodes #heatingpad #Advice

    So I was diagnosed with catamenial epilepsy three years ago after having seizure like episodes around my period. However, I wanted to know if anyone else had severe pain and partial blackouts during this time as well?

    I’d have these flare ups ( light/food sensitivities , joint pain and GERD) that are so frequent in between it worries me sometimes.

    If anyone with catamenial epilepsy has these symptoms too please like this or comment so I know I’m not alone.

    #CatamenialSeizures #Jointpain #Photosensitive #Migraine #foodsensitivies #Periods #help

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    #MoodStabilizers #manicdepression #episodes

    This is all (in my opinion). I'm sure a lot of people might think differently about your disease or your meds. Maybe you don't take meds at all. When I bakeracted myself I found out that people with bipolar needed to be on mood stabilizers our entire lives. My mood stabilizer works primarily to balance the serotonin levels in my brain. Ok enough of that. This might all be true, but its it's not the reason for my post.

    I had a conversation with my therapist, 2 weeks ago, and I said to her, they all think I'm lying or I'm faking it. Looking for a way to get out of work or lay about doing nothing. They believe bipolar is just something I can just shake off or ignore. I wish. They have no idea how this feels. Leslie, do you have any idea how painful a mood stabilizer is? She said no.

    I told her my mood stabilizer is my second skin, my straitjacket, my wet blanket. I can feel my bipolar in my head, in my body, under my skin, under the surface...but I can't let it out. I have done some pretty horrible things during an episode and so for my own safety and others I can't let it out, but I feel it. All the time. I read an article once and in it the man said "I need the highs, so I can handle the lows". I don't get to have either one.

    When I'm sad. Really sad. All I get to do is cry. I dont get to scream and rage like I used too. The heart wrenching sobs are trapped inside and nobody knows how much pain I'm in. Then they have the nerve to say I'm faking it. Or using it as a crutch. And then when I need I want or need energy maybe with coffee or an energy drink I can make it through dishes and work, taking care of my son...but I dont get the high, the rush. Of not needing sleep, being the life of the party, laughing, dancing, just feeling free. Instead I always feel trapped. However it's in my head, you cant see it on my skin and so no one believes me.

    Its It's just so frustrating. It makes me want to scream. That I have to take medication I hate, to be someone I'm not. That I have to struggle to fit in. That I can't live one single day with stability. My job, my home life, my relationships...everything is affected. I dont know if anyone else can relate, but this has been my 25 year fight. I'm only 34.


    I wish they could see....

    Sometimes I wish my teachers and friends could see how bad it gets. Maybe I don’t. Maybe they would see me differently. Maybe they would see how much it takes for me to get up in the morning. Maybe they could see how much pain I deal with on a daily basis. How my smiles cover up the hurt. How I try my hardest not to flinch in pain. How I wish I could just curl up in a ball and cry. How much I want to tell them the truth but fear their reaction.

    I would never wish this on anyone because I know how hard it can be and how hard it is to deal with it. But sometimes I wish they could see... #Dysautonomia #LivingWithPOTS #episodes #Epilepsy #DysautonomiaAwarenessMonth #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome


    Even the horrible days are getting slowly #better #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicPain

    Today I had quite a manic depressive episode and even though dealing with the feelings was still really hard, I forced myself to eat, take my meds and keep texting people even after I was feeling scared to be near people. I’m proud of myself for just keeping my nose down and just processing it the way I felt I needed to. #Depression #episodes #sad #Manic #Crying #Selfcare #feelings

    1 comment

    How long are your episodes? #Depression #episodes #stuck

    I’ve been dealing with the same depressed episode for over two years. Drugs, therapy, ECT, all of it ineffective. I’ve had at least three other stretches of 2-3 years - is that normal? It gets worse as I get older. I feel like as soon as one bout of debilitating thoughts ends another one is just around the corner. So sick of it.


    Coke and Marlboro

    A puff, and a gulp.

    Again and again.

    This is the ritual I have to perform

    To escape the twilight encroaching

    On my fragmenting mind.

    My pupils are discs,

    While inferences are humming,

    All the while my anxiety

    Has me in a choke hold.

    I stand up, look down

    And from this vantage see

    Without a trace of doubt

    Myself lying broken

    At the base of oblivion

    A puff, and a gulp.

    Trying my damnedest

    To banish my waking nightmare.

    Moaning, conversing

    With my twin in the mirror.

    Not knowing

    Reality from fantasy.

    A wail of laughter

    A gnashing of joy

    In the deepest abyss

    Before the break of dawn.

    The corpse lies still

    At the base of oblivion

    Bearing, if anything else,

    My own face.

    A puff, and a gulp.

    Someone whispers in the wind

    And a strong arm

    Embraces me.

    Pulling me back

    From the dark portal;

    Back into the womb

    Of safety

    Away from deceitful


    A puff, and a gulp.

    All that are left

    Are stubs and bottles.

    But there still remains

    The fiery fear.

    A sigh.

    A deep breath.

    One step back

    To my hungry


    #Bipolar , #episodes , #Depression , #Dissociation , #fight

    1 comment

    New #Member of #Bipolar #Disorder Club

    I am not good at explaining/wording my issues & emotions...YET, Natasha penned EXACTLY what I have thought and said for the last couple of months (for the uptenth time over the years)!

    TODAY...I met w/a #Psychiatrist for the 1st time in years; after referral from several counseling sessions . YEARS of attempts to feel better...with only #negative results on #Antidepressants for "#reoccurrent #major #Depression #episodes " & #fleeting episodes of excitement for life, family, activities has a new name...#Bipolar #Disorder ‼️

    I am in #shock ...yet, shouldn't be anything but hopeful. #HOPEFULLY , my "maybe tomorrows" will lessen, with #Medication #treatment I began today!
    My #Family needs me. My #Friends need me. My #Church needs me...HOPEFULLY, with an appropriate regimen, I can show them how much I TRULY WANT AND NEED THEM! I always have...although my #actions definitely make them feel otherwise!!!

    I look forward to the day I can be a useful member of society again! The day I WANT to get up, shower & dress for work, attend church, grocery shop, run errands, take care of financial obligations, meet my daughter's or friends for coffee/lunch, go on a "date" with my handsome and patient husband.

    Unfortunately TODAY, I am currently having an #Anxiety #attack as I type these thoughts...And Now must hurry home to go back to #bed & hide!