AmIAlone

Today I wish I wasn't trans
I wish I didn't wake up to a body that isn't mine
I wish I didn't have to wait years to begin correcting natures mistake
I am not proud to be trans that would mean being proud of the mistake
I may be proud to overcome society and stand up and accept myself as who I am
But today I am tired
Today I watch others with the strength to stand up fight for basic human rights
I watch as we are ridiculed and told we are vermin and a burden
I watch myself in the mirror and think how my life would be
But I truely see myself for what I am encased in
For my mentality has the freedom
But it still is limited to the four walls I live within, tormented by the noises of neighbours, fighting for control with the voices in my head that tell me to save the trouble and end it all
I am exhausted of being misunderstood
Mostly I am exhausted of seeing how people act towards each other, more interested in self gratification.
No unconditional love
No neighbourly kindness
No smiling at a stranger just because you can
No understanding
Just bitter aggressive words
With each word as painful as the last it feels like a fork jabbed into me and they add up
The positivity oozing out through the wounds never to fully recover
Everyone wants a piece
Until its all gone
Because I don't speak these words to others I do not take a piece
People look at me asking why do I look the way I do, with nothing no piece left to hold
While they hoard endless pieces of others for their own satisfaction
I am left with nothing
With just my mind to betray me, telling me I am fat and weak of mind and spirit unlovable unlikeable not worthy to breath the little air on this earth.
And yet as my mind returns I plan my day ahead to resume this mindless existence, I get dressed go to work to earn minimum wage to struggle another day with food and basic living bills.
My life is just to survive longer than the next person like its a race
I question when people preach about religion with the afterlife being so glorious why is it those people do not die sooner, they seek out doctors and healers to cure illnesses which would deliver them to this glorious afterlife yet they strive to continue suffering this existence.

#Transgender #Transman #Depression #exhaustion #Anxiety #PTSD #help #IsItMe #suiside #AmIAlone

I need a cage
Like I’m a creature whose wrath will never end
Like the roars within my head will break free and destroy the world

I need to be locked in a room
Where my burden can be felt no more
Where the trouble I have caused can dissipate

I need to peel the layers
To strip the pieces of me that coat their everyday lives
To pull back and fade away

I need to disappear.
So better days can come for them
So their days can be longer and nights, shorter
So their peace can be fully restored
So their stresses can be eased.
So their worry can dissolve.
So their hopes can strengthen.
So their lives aren’t wasted on my lost cause of an influence.

Does anyone else feel this way?

#Poetry #Bipolar #Depression #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #AmIAlone #Thoughts