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I don’t want to be my sickness

I have struggled with depression and anxiety for 20years. Tuesday is my birthday. I’ll be 44. I’m not looking forward to it at all and I love birthdays! I’m so blessed with 5 beautiful children, a gorgeous home that my husband built, I’ll be a grandma( he’ll call me Glammy) any day now 🥰 I am a yoga teacher and a CrossFit coach. And I am pretty much bed ridden.I have debilitating headaches, the dr found two tumors on the lining of my brain, hypothyroidism that wipes out my energy, my depression and anxiety meds aren’t doing there job, had a panic attack the other morning, had a hysterectomy that went south. I could probably go on, but I’m trying my hardest to not think of all the things I can’t do, but I can’t. I am at my lowest. I feel just lying and breathing is all I have. I feel worthless just lying in bed doing nothing. I just don’t want to be here. I’m in need of prayers, support, encouragement, something! I feel I can’t do this anymore! #keepgoing #cantdothis #cantbreath #AmIAlone


I’m feeling alone, and having my scary thoughts come back. I’m feeling frustrated, and just want to go away. I don’t feel like I would be missed. I know that’s not true, but that’s how I feel. These thoughts scare me. #ihatethis , #AmIAlone ?


Feeling isolated while getting help

Okay, so... I’ve had people offer to help( in terms of calling doctors and labs). When they get the same results ( phones ringing constantly. Being brushed off. They get frustrated with the situation they direct that my way. Intentionally or not.

Which on the receiving end makes me feel like what and the way you’re doing things is wrong. I’ve tried to explain this but they get all uppity:” Well that’s wrong. What you’re feeling and the way you’re perceiving things is incorrect.

They just listen to respond and not hearing you out. It makes me not want their help. Curating opinions and painting you with them. It’s isolating.

Has anyone ever felt like this?

#help #AmIAlone #opinionsofothers #Isolation #isolating #Undiagnosed #figuringitout

1 comment

Loudest quiet person?

does anyone else aboslutely hate large groups of people, and actually freezes in a crowd... But when you are comfortable with people you 1 can't shut up and 2 you are ssoo loud? #Agoraphobia #loudsilence #AmIAlone #helpneeded

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I wish that....

I wish that I could be like oh I feel this way because of this, or my body hurts because of this....

Instead I’m in constant pain, from either my body or my brain.

I can’t give up because there is so much potential in this life... but I’m just so tired.

I’ve been to the doctors & never get anywhere, so now it’s just all about preserving. I’m hoping I’m not the only one in this madness.


#lost #AmIAlone #MentalHealth

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Please show me how to live...

Today I wish I wasn't trans
I wish I didn't wake up to a body that isn't mine
I wish I didn't have to wait years to begin correcting natures mistake
I am not proud to be trans that would mean being proud of the mistake
I may be proud to overcome society and stand up and accept myself as who I am
But today I am tired
Today I watch others with the strength to stand up fight for basic human rights
I watch as we are ridiculed and told we are vermin and a burden
I watch myself in the mirror and think how my life would be
But I truely see myself for what I am encased in
For my mentality has the freedom
But it still is limited to the four walls I live within, tormented by the noises of neighbours, fighting for control with the voices in my head that tell me to save the trouble and end it all
I am exhausted of being misunderstood
Mostly I am exhausted of seeing how people act towards each other, more interested in self gratification.
No unconditional love
No neighbourly kindness
No smiling at a stranger just because you can
No understanding
Just bitter aggressive words
With each word as painful as the last it feels like a fork jabbed into me and they add up
The positivity oozing out through the wounds never to fully recover
Everyone wants a piece
Until its all gone
Because I don't speak these words to others I do not take a piece
People look at me asking why do I look the way I do, with nothing no piece left to hold
While they hoard endless pieces of others for their own satisfaction
I am left with nothing
With just my mind to betray me, telling me I am fat and weak of mind and spirit unlovable unlikeable not worthy to breath the little air on this earth.
And yet as my mind returns I plan my day ahead to resume this mindless existence, I get dressed go to work to earn minimum wage to struggle another day with food and basic living bills.
My life is just to survive longer than the next person like its a race
I question when people preach about religion with the afterlife being so glorious why is it those people do not die sooner, they seek out doctors and healers to cure illnesses which would deliver them to this glorious afterlife yet they strive to continue suffering this existence.

#Transgender #Transman #Depression #exhaustion #Anxiety #PTSD #help #IsItMe #suiside #AmIAlone

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I need a cage
Like I’m a creature whose wrath will never end
Like the roars within my head will break free and destroy the world

I need to be locked in a room
Where my burden can be felt no more
Where the trouble I have caused can dissipate

I need to peel the layers
To strip the pieces of me that coat their everyday lives
To pull back and fade away

I need to disappear.
So better days can come for them
So their days can be longer and nights, shorter
So their peace can be fully restored
So their stresses can be eased.
So their worry can dissolve.
So their hopes can strengthen.
So their lives aren’t wasted on my lost cause of an influence.

Does anyone else feel this way?

#Poetry #Bipolar #Depression #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #AmIAlone #Thoughts


Does anyone else find themselves daydreaming about their death?

It might be weird to say or completely negative, but I tend to ponder on my death time to time. At times my mind drifts there coping with my suicidal thoughts but other times my mind find peace with thinking about my own death. I feel strange for thinking like this and think at times I’m setting up my demise. Am I the only one?? #Depression #PTSD #SuicidalThoughts #AmIAlone

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#Fatigue and #Depression

has anyone experienced constant fatigue while facong depression? I'm doing everything O can to stay active and involved in my life, but I am so tired and have no energy. it's different than the first time I experienced bad depression, as this time the fatigue is heavy and my whole body hurts. #AmIAlone #Anxiety


I am 37 y/o female recently diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder. my husband of almosy 10 yrs has decided he wanted a divorce because he "can't handle"

the chaos any longer. I feel abandonedl. should I feel this way