apathetic

Yesterday I was recovered from the Horrible Cat Vomit Storm of October 2021 and did well with my new checklist, but without the enthusiasm of Day One. Today I woke up so sore everything hurt, which was exhausting. I still got about half of my checklist items finished. All I cared about was getting rid of the pain. It was a 6 for me—so distracting it was hard to think. Plus my brother stressed me out by dropping clues that he plans to go looking abroad for his fake online boyfriend who I already proved is a scammer. He doesn’t care.

So anyway, yeah. That really cranks up my depression/anxiety/fibromyalgia discomforts. And there’s even more stress that I just swallow daily, so my nest makes a lot of very compelling arguments for why that’s where I should be. I definitely self-medicate with apathy.

But my wanting to break the apathy habit is also for me and my well-being, demmit. I have made my nest the center of my life now for three years!! I have been healing from trauma, sure, but I need more than this for myself. I have more that I want to do, so I am struggling through whatever it takes to reclaim my life—for ME! I don’t want to lose the ability to choose someday.

I just have to keep trying as hard as it takes to make this Apathy Toolkit work better than helping me be productive only every other day. The Daily Checklist needs adjustments. Honestly, trying to shower every single day feels a bit out of reach for me right now. Heh. Just trying to keep it real for the good of the group. I figure that if I force myself to be honest for you then I’ll know I’m not just fooling myself.

I revived an old habit of writing notes to myself in sharpie on my bathroom mirror (It easily comes off with rubbing alcohol or other non-abrasive solvent cleaner.) The picture I posted of it had to be on an angle so you could see the words. First a big red heart that my face appears inside when I stand in front of the sink. Near the bottom it says, “Don’t let apathy own you.” At the top is this: “Have you… -Brushed your teeth -Brushed your hair -Washed your face …today?”

Tell me about your apathy.

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