Brokenhearted

I kept going back. I kept the cycle open. He had so much sadness and trauma from his past. So I had no right to ever tell him to stop. I was his first love and I failed him. I broke his trust by keeping friendships that hurt him. I tried over and over again to reassure him of my love but I wasnt enough. At the time he must have felt invalidated so why wouldnt he walk away. But now a 1 year has gone by. We played into this cycle, he lies about the things he would curse me on. I got jealous over things I have no right to get jealous about. He wants to be alone but still reaches out. I knew that he was hurting me but I kept that door open so he wouldn't be alone. He would block me and unblock me. Reach out to family while I was blocked or reached out to friends still keeping my channel of communication closed. But when he unblocked me I kept reassuring him I loved him. I told him Id always be here for him. I kept caring and loving only for him to respond "I'm abusing you and you shouldn't care" He knew and I knew but I kept going back, responding, meeting him whenever he called, only for him to ghost me until days later at 1am when he felt he needed to lash out again. I still care but I cant. I never fought back I always just allowed it. He isn't a villain to me, he is a beautiful but very hurt soul. He deserves to be happy I just wish he was kinder to my heart. He has had depression his entire life and I always tried my best to give him the space and love he needed. But just because he had trauma does that mean he is allowed to not have any faults. I wish I was able to feel confidence to protect my heart but I didn't. How can I let go of the guilt I feel for it all?
#Abuse #Depression #Brokenhearted #Trauma

I’m sitting here in the veterans home with my dad who doesn’t have long with us and my heart is so broken. I lost my baby brother, 55 years old, in June, had lost my oldest brother in 2011, 54 years old and then it was me and my daddy. He lives on my property and was very independent, on December 7th he fell after coming back from the grocery and broke his femur, he is 89, and has declined since. I just needed to put this in writing, kind of like having all of y’all to talk to. I ask please, that y’all will keep us in your thoughts and prayers, that he will have a peaceful transition. I will miss him so very much💔
#ceds #CRPS /RSD #Gastroparesis #Brokenhearted

Today is going to stink. I know because I had trouble sleeping last night and I have like zero energy. I don't know what to do. Last night all I heard on the radio were Valentine's Day songs. Being single sucks I hate it. My phone is at 75% because it didn't charge that much last night. At least tonight I finally have basketball practice for Special Olympics. I don't know what I need right now. Instead of love songs I am listening to music about broken hearts. #Brokenhearted #Depression

Today is 11 months since my husband died. Which means in 1 month it will be a year. I really want it to just be another regular day. However I can't help the anxious thoughts of what I'll go through. Yet, I know grief is messy and unpredictable. I guess I want to know how others experienced of the 1yr mark #Widow #firstyeargrief #Grief #Brokenhearted

I still can’t believe that he is actually gone for I don’t leave my house unless I really need to… then today comes along and I didn’t get my phone call and it hits me all over again… my 13 year old daughter is taking it very bad and it’s such a bad age to be dealing with greif… I’m just lost without him #chronic depressive #Bipolar #Greiving #Brokenhearted