chidlhood trauma

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Pain is hitting bad again today, a long winded rant, I apologize. TW: mention of suicide in relation to a toxic parent and mention of sexual abuse

One other thing: there is swearing in this. If that's not for you, please move on.

I wanna scream it hurts so bad right now. I wanna just fade away. Psychiatrist/counseling office says they support me but last week my counselor outright ignored a trigger so I told him I can no longer work with him. He also said he only does 12 sessions but gave me more. Excuse my language but how the fuck can anyone work through anything in 12 sessions? Especially when someone doesn't trust counselors? Dude outright said it's surprising I even opened up to him and then pulls this shit. Today I'm in extreme pain and mental health is declining and last week the my psychiatrists MA said they can't support me all the time, use the crisis line. Well news flash the crisis line has made me worse and has hurt me, I've called back once before a call back sobbing and the lady asks "Why did you call back early?" As I was sobbing. So yeah call a line that only gives a fuck if you're actively suicidal and willing to go to the hospital. Which I've explained to them.
Oh and hospitals? If you want to hear extreme trauma, I'll inform you of my psych ward stay last year which my providers know about. My mom also knows and threatened to send me back to the same place. Well news flash mother you don't have power of attorney, all you can get is cops to do a wellness check who frankly won't do anything unless there's a danger, and I can get my psychiatrist to vouch I'm fine with your so called "threat" you think I did. Well guess what? That wasn't a threat at all or some stupid shit like that. I've asked people and they're confused. And I've never been a daughter to you? Well guess what you've never been a mom because I lost my mom when grandma died too because you've never been one.
Oh and saying shit when I ask for support like "oh what do you want me to say go...." I'm not going to say the rest before I bet people can guess.
Then you text to me say goodnight nightly like nothing is wrong. Like you did nothing. You even said you have no responsibility for anything. You even said you're confused as to how you're responsible. Remember the 6yrs of lawsuits you put me through when I begged crying not to do them against the man who molested and ****** me? Well that caused 6 additional years of trauma. And you said I had to do it for you and dad because you were hurt too. Well what about me? The one who lived through that shit? The one was relentlessly attacked by attorneys? The one who blames themselves still because you put blame on me by saying I gave you PTSD? When I wouldn't even wish this shit on him. Why am I the only one at fault here? WHY? Because you can't understand how a 15-16yo can be manipulated and groomed by a 50yo to hate their parents? Because you can't understand how it was traumatic? Well guess what I said no a couple times and learned fast it wouldn't go my way. I did say yes to a lot of things and blame myself to this day. 13yrs later.
Then to add the cherry on top, my brother had a fucked childhood cause of me. He told me he witnessed all the arguments and had to see that. My mom told me some lady yelled at them in a store due to what happened with that man or something I said and he was there. He went to his school counselor crying why his sister was always mad at the family. And worse. Yeah I know I fucked his childhood thanks for the reminder.

If anyone read all this, thanks and I apologize if it was triggering. I tried my best to warn people. I am struggling but trying my best and that's all I got right now. There is more to what my parents have said and done. I don't know how to handle it anymore or handle people defending them. This also doesn't cover the stuff I've been through with doctors the past few weeks or a lot of other stuff that has happened. It's been hell. My counselor seriously didn't think there'd be an emergency last Monday, and over a week later hell has just gotten a lot warmer, between the pain getting extremely worse, my parents and other things. I think I better just settle in and accept it by now. As a song from Bring Me The Horizon says: Even hell can get comfy once you've settled in.

#CPTSD #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #Autism #Autistic #PanicDisorder #toxicparents #SexualAbuse #SuicidalThoughts #Fibromyalgia #CFS #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #ChronicFatigue #EmotionalAbuse #Advice #help #Arthritis #MedicalTrauma #counselors #SexualTrauma #ChidlhoodTrauma

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Emotionally disturbing

This may trigger.
I just woke up from one of my many nightmares. The nightmare showed me that I'm making progress in my therapy. It also made me realize, in a way, the humanity and frailty of my therapist.
Before each session with my therapist I prepare myself. I do my homework between sessions. I want to make sure that I get the most out of my time with my therapist for both our sakes. But I still feel bad that I have to serve up my worst at each session. So next time i plan on making sure he understands this and that he also knows that I'm constantly making progress and constantly changing. Though often it feels glacially.
But this also led me to review his behavior and things he says and how I view him. He tries really hard to be a good therapist. And he is. But no matter how hard he tries, some of his issues slip through. He is not perfect. The person I rely upon for my healing is only human. I found this emotionally disturbing. Because this brought me to the first time this happened. When I found out that the person/persons I had to rely on, needed to trust, were not paragons of virtue and deserving of my complete trust. As you can imagine, I started crying.
No one is perfect. Everyone, at times, will let you down. Some may betray your trust. It is painful to realize. Painful for everyone as everyone has to go through this. But so much more so for people with mental illness and trauma issues.
I'm not saying this as a revelation. We all realize this. I'm not offering answers or advice. It's just something we all have to go through. Sometimes in the middle of the night. Sitting in bed after one of many nightmares. Sometimes we have to just type it out and share it on a message board hoping that our experiences shared can help ourselves and maybe someone else who reads it. Wishing you all the best, a good nights sleep without having the long dark night of the soul. But for many of us, that's what we have. Until we heal.

#CPTSD #Trauma #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #ChidlhoodTrauma #Early Childhood Trauma #DID #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder


What would you like?

I wanted to get everyone's input on what they'd like to see in our group, get from our group? Would anyone be interested in having a room session once a week or so? You are all important to me and I'd love to hear from you 🥰 #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #Childhood Trauma #ChidlhoodTrauma #CPTSD #PTSD



Why is it so hard for some people to respect your boundaries? I was writing in my journal tonight and I had wrote that boundaries are very important for everyone’s own mental well-being, but especially for a sexual abuse survivor. The violations of my boundaries were constant, and some were more obvious than others. Other times the violations were more covert rather than overt. I am dealing with a family member who will be visiting next week, who continually violates my boundaries, requests for her not to do certain things and I am just done with it. She doesn’t know I am a sexual abuse survivor, but I think I need to speak my truth. That her continually violating my boundaries makes me not trust her, not feel safe, not feel heard, not want to be around her and definitely not leave my kids alone with her. I struggle with wanting to be liked because I think I will somehow be safer that way, but then when I look in the mirror I don’t like myself because I am not speaking my truth, I am not honoring myself. How do I speak my truth to her? Does anyone else have the same issue with people continually not respecting boundaries?

#boundaries #SexualAbuseSurvivor #ChidlhoodTrauma

1 comment

Going in and out of no contact #NarsissisticParent #ChidlhoodTrauma #Childhoodtrauma

I have been no contact with my mother for years. I'm 57,and I've been going back and forth since I left the home at 14. This time no contact 5 years. Until I discovered,the personality disorder. More and more of the pieces of the puzzle are coming together. Old memories are coming back of her gaslighting,smeer campaign, no empathy, jealousy, no apologies,no accountability, and on and on. The trauma is still there,but having name for the behavior,has helped, sooooo much. Still finding more and more puzzle pieces. This is still new. When I first read about the condition. Out of nowhere an ancient Hawaiian prayer, popped up on my FB feed. I don't know that I remember it word for word,but this is the jist of it.
I love you, and I love me. I forgive you and I forgive me. I'm sorry for any role I played in this. I set you free. I signed it, until we meet again,my every ending love. Lizzie.
The most difficult part is, old friends and any relationship I've been in long term. Is these people guilting me to go contact again. No one seems to understand,or cares to understand that I go no contact to protect myself from additional new trauma. The last time I made very clear boundaries and she nodded her head yes. It didn't take long, for her to push the envelope,and in a flash, for her to get the bulldozer out and plow through the boundaries. Thank you for listening and I hope this helps someone else.