Pain is hitting bad again today, a long winded rant, I apologize. TW: mention of suicide in relation to a toxic parent and mention of sexual abuse
One other thing: there is swearing in this. If that's not for you, please move on.
I wanna scream it hurts so bad right now. I wanna just fade away. Psychiatrist/counseling office says they support me but last week my counselor outright ignored a trigger so I told him I can no longer work with him. He also said he only does 12 sessions but gave me more. Excuse my language but how the fuck can anyone work through anything in 12 sessions? Especially when someone doesn't trust counselors? Dude outright said it's surprising I even opened up to him and then pulls this shit. Today I'm in extreme pain and mental health is declining and last week the my psychiatrists MA said they can't support me all the time, use the crisis line. Well news flash the crisis line has made me worse and has hurt me, I've called back once before a call back sobbing and the lady asks "Why did you call back early?" As I was sobbing. So yeah call a line that only gives a fuck if you're actively suicidal and willing to go to the hospital. Which I've explained to them.
Oh and hospitals? If you want to hear extreme trauma, I'll inform you of my psych ward stay last year which my providers know about. My mom also knows and threatened to send me back to the same place. Well news flash mother you don't have power of attorney, all you can get is cops to do a wellness check who frankly won't do anything unless there's a danger, and I can get my psychiatrist to vouch I'm fine with your so called "threat" you think I did. Well guess what? That wasn't a threat at all or some stupid shit like that. I've asked people and they're confused. And I've never been a daughter to you? Well guess what you've never been a mom because I lost my mom when grandma died too because you've never been one.
Oh and saying shit when I ask for support like "oh what do you want me to say go...." I'm not going to say the rest before I bet people can guess.
Then you text to me say goodnight nightly like nothing is wrong. Like you did nothing. You even said you have no responsibility for anything. You even said you're confused as to how you're responsible. Remember the 6yrs of lawsuits you put me through when I begged crying not to do them against the man who molested and ****** me? Well that caused 6 additional years of trauma. And you said I had to do it for you and dad because you were hurt too. Well what about me? The one who lived through that shit? The one was relentlessly attacked by attorneys? The one who blames themselves still because you put blame on me by saying I gave you PTSD? When I wouldn't even wish this shit on him. Why am I the only one at fault here? WHY? Because you can't understand how a 15-16yo can be manipulated and groomed by a 50yo to hate their parents? Because you can't understand how it was traumatic? Well guess what I said no a couple times and learned fast it wouldn't go my way. I did say yes to a lot of things and blame myself to this day. 13yrs later.
Then to add the cherry on top, my brother had a fucked childhood cause of me. He told me he witnessed all the arguments and had to see that. My mom told me some lady yelled at them in a store due to what happened with that man or something I said and he was there. He went to his school counselor crying why his sister was always mad at the family. And worse. Yeah I know I fucked his childhood thanks for the reminder.
If anyone read all this, thanks and I apologize if it was triggering. I tried my best to warn people. I am struggling but trying my best and that's all I got right now. There is more to what my parents have said and done. I don't know how to handle it anymore or handle people defending them. This also doesn't cover the stuff I've been through with doctors the past few weeks or a lot of other stuff that has happened. It's been hell. My counselor seriously didn't think there'd be an emergency last Monday, and over a week later hell has just gotten a lot warmer, between the pain getting extremely worse, my parents and other things. I think I better just settle in and accept it by now. As a song from Bring Me The Horizon says: Even hell can get comfy once you've settled in.
#CPTSD #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #Autism #Autistic #PanicDisorder #toxicparents #SexualAbuse #SuicidalThoughts #Fibromyalgia #CFS #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #ChronicFatigue #EmotionalAbuse #Advice #help #Arthritis #MedicalTrauma #counselors #SexualTrauma #ChidlhoodTrauma