Conflict

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    Conflict

    y mental issues have been extreme lately. Adhd, bpd, social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, bipolar II, anxiety, depression, seasonal depression, ptsd, etc. There all in conflict with one another, it's ridiculous. Depression has me wanting to stay on bed and cry, adhd won't allow me to sit still for too long, the house has me in a state of anxious torment, and bpd had me in a constant state of conflicting panic. I'm letting everyone down or I'm upset no one helps, needing to be alone but scared to be completely alone..

    Wtf is wrong with me?

    #MentalHealth #Conflict #Borderline Bipolar depression #ADHDInGirls #SocialAnxiety

    1 comment
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    conflicting views around #Fertility and #Pregnancy

    Hi, I would like to preface this post with the acknowledgment that fertility and pregnancy can be a very sensitive topic - I am just very confused in some of my views and was wondering if it was something any other possible child-breaking person has experienced.

    I am only 21 years old (f) and have been with my partner (m) for 2 years now with the goal of going long term and hopefully one day marrying. From the outset of the relationship, both of us have been in agreement that children isn't something we really want. we don't have good reactions to being around children and often find them too much to cope with (we both have our respective mental health issues) and we would prefer to have animals one day after traveling and spending our life together.

    Recently, however, I have been diagnosed with secondary #vaginismus and my partner has been having sever testicular pain which we think may be epididymitis which may need to be treated with surgery that will reduce his #Fertility . Now, despite always saying that I don't want children and still believing in that path for myself, being faced with these two issues almost makes it feel like our option to possibly change our mind might be taken away - even though we are both pretty dead set on remaining childless.

    Is this #Conflict ever affected anyone else? it just seems very confusing that this possible loss of fertility is affecting me negatively when really it should be something that is aiding in my decision to not fall pregnant.

    3 comments
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    Love and Conflict #Love #Conflict #Trauma #feelings #Relationships #promises #Lessons #resolution #Hope

    Promises take flight from our lips like migrating birds. Many times, without comprehending why--simply determined to reach a safe, familiar harbor where warmth and sustenance can be found.

    Assurances are exchanged like goods. Offers to provide unconditional love, constant happiness, security, safety, and, that which we may not even be capable of. We hope to give what we believe the other needs. Not realizing that what we offer is often our own greatest need.

    No one goes in believing they may disappoint. Err. Wound.

    The truth is, love leaves you completely open to the potential for pain.

    Why can't we simply enjoy what time we have together? Why can't we like children, laugh, play and live lightly? Why can't we put past pains and grief behind us?

    We all have someone who raised, guided, or provided insight into life early on. Even those without parents. These 'guides' may have been supportive and kind, thoughtful and intentional, irritable and callous, cold and distant, or at worst...monstrous. Albeit, human. It is the one flaw we all share. We are human.

    That which is bestowed upon us (or the lack thereof) early in life has a profound impact on the nature of our interactions and how we function in relationships. Especially the most intimate ones. Some of us jump in feet first with reckless abandon--only to find that there are sharks swimming below the surface. Others walk the shore alone, maybe joining paths briefly with a fellow traveler, but going on to live in a state of wonder as to what could be. Ever noncommittal, yet hopeful. Some simply sit on the sand bundled up, admiring the beauty from afar. Maybe content with a life of self-partnership. Some walk hand-in-hand, looking forward and not back. Knowing that despite the ever-changing weather, together they can battle what may lie ahead.

    Like our Mother Earth, relationships are riddled with sunshine, storms, rainbows, and even life-threatening tornadoes for some. Each of us has a different animal instinct when it comes to dealing with conflict. Some of us want to get closer--in attempts to feel reassured. Some retreat and pull away--as they cannot handle the depth of emotion. Some seemingly don't take it seriously and pretend there is no problem--a mirage to cloak their pain and grief. Yet others lash out, putting up a shield against transparency and vulnerability.

    Whatever the impact of the early years of our lives, we are all in a vessel. Simply rowing, simply trying to stay afloat. Simply wanting to be loved.

    Conflict can be a message. A lesson. If approached in the appropriate fashion, used as a tool. Conflict resolution can lead us out from sheltering, to set our faces to the warmth of another sunny day.

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    I never really gave any thought to how much I have to insulate myself to be functional. #soundsensitivity #copingmechanisms #Conflict

    To say yesterday was rough would be a massive understatement. My nephews were their general energetic selves as they tend to be. My brother and brother-in-law only know one way to get the kidss’ attention: yell. All said, I came close to breaking yesterday. However, I made it, and now, I’m detoxing with my favorite music and writing. THank goodness for earbuds, Bluetooth keyboards, and a love of writing.

    4 comments
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    Better Bring It #Music #Song #Relationships #Conflict #resilience

    A song I wrote some time ago about relationships contending with warring factions from without and within, nearing the brink of conceding defeat.

    youtu.be/5feLJG3Eahs

    Better Bring It
    by Band Of Three

    Your words hard and blunt as bullets,
    smashed my spirit into spall.
    Snuffed out in a graceless minute.
    When I crashed into your wall.

    Baby when did you resign?
    Start marking time as wasted?
    I swear I never saw a sign,
    Now am I just some other guy you’ve dated?

    A footnote in your heart...in your heart.
    If there’s any fight in you, you better bring it…

    Before we lose it all.
    Before we lose it all.

    I used to think that we were strong,
    but we’re failing when it matters.
    When we should be pressing on,
    we lay our courage down and scatter.
    Look into your heart….in your heart.
    If there’s any fight in you, you better bring it...
    Before we lose it all.
    Before we lose it all.

    Your words hard and blunt as bullets,
    you cut me down to size.
    Snuffed out in a graceless minute,
    The light’s gone from your eyes .

    Look into your heart….in your heart.
    If there’s any fight in you, better bring it...

    Before we lose it all.
    Before we lose it all.

    Music by Jean Audette, Troy Mira
    Lyrics by Troy Mira

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    Back to school 2020 #sarcoidosisawareness #ChronicIllness

    This year, back-to-school is not what it used to be for anyone. For parents, the hardest question is whether to send the children to the school or to do virtual. The risks of both decisions. The consequences of either could be detrimental to our kids well being.
    Now imagine that on top of worrying about your children's safety, you also have to factor in being an immunocompromised parent. In my case, I have #multisystemicsarcoidosis . I am currently taking a daily immunosuppressant, methotrexate weekly and remicade infusions every 7 weeks. I also have no spleen due to #Sarcoidosis so I really have NO immune defense.
    I have 4 daughters, grades 10, 7, 5 and 3… All of the girls have many reasons why in-person schooling would be most beneficial to their education and social development. I feel selfish to keep them home because of MY deficiencies. Children NEED social interaction, one of my daughters has an IEP which includes an hour 1-on1 with a resource teacher 5 days a week and distance learning did not go well for her. Another daughter is a straight A honors student and her grades dropped significantly at some points during distance learning.
    I am so conflicted about this coming school year. The schools do not have proper ventilation, our state currently has a 15 person limit due to covid but the classrooms will have many more people. What if ONE student in one of their classes tests positive.and one of our kids catch it. And what if they pass it to me. The chances of me surviving covid-19 are not good. The thought of my daughters living without me is devastating.

    What would you do in my shoes? Keep the kids home? Let them go to in person schooling?
    #ChronicIllness #Sarcoidosis #Parenting #parentingwhilesick #ButYouDontLookSick #Conflict #BackToSchoolFear #nospleen

    2 comments
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    have you ever?

    have you ever had a friend who would bring up random things to try to get under your skin? cause I do, and any time I try to steer clear of an obvious argument she wants to start she gets all snap and tries to start a fight because of that it’s just so stressful.

    #Conflict #help

    1 comment
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    Fear

    Fear looks like standing on your own two feet and having no one support you
    Fear looks like making it to a mental health programme even though your lonley and won't meet anyone worthy of company
    Fear looks like walking up and down all night and getting up the next morning to go somewhere where you know isn't working out for you
    Fear is being disowned by one of your parents and still making it to a family gathering

    Fear can creep in as #desperation, #lonilness , #Conflict, jealousy, it cripples the best of us. It took all my physical muscle to put one foot Infront of the other.
    I know I've had many years of torment under one that most likely I could bare to handle.

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    jesus christ i'm a piece of shit

    so I have been dealing with 'feeling like a piece of shit' for a long time. mostly because I am one. they call is complex ptsd and bdp.

    a big part of why I am one is because I have trouble regulating my emotions and I am paranoid to the extreme.
    now, sometimes, I think my paranoia comes from years of being called a failure and having no one trust or respect me or my opinions in any way. or maybe because the people I was supposed to look up to abused me until I left home -I got beat up for eating too much, too little, speaking up, not apeaking at all etc. maybe because after I left home I was gang raped and no one believed me-my school mates laughed, my teachers judged, my mom and gran called me a whore and attention seeker. maybe if they knew that my mom's uncle sexually abused me for as long as I have living memories up until I was about 12 yo thing would have been different. but I doubt it. different times, different mentalities. especially considering that where I come from, rape and sexual abuse of minors is STILL considered the abused person's fault, not the abuser's.

    I also have trouble connecting with people as I just din't know what the fuck to say to them. sometimes, all I wanna tell them is 'you suck for being so damn happy all the time. fuck you and your perfect life'. and that is no way to make friends, is it?
    so I have come to the conclusion that I am in fact a piece of shit, but for a good reason-so the psychiatrist says.

    so I guess the question is, how do I change this view? I feel that if I get stuck in this limbo, I will die alone. probably because of my own doing-not necessarily hand. it's ironic how I don't want to be alone, but when I am not, I want to be left alone.

    wtf is wrong with me?
    #BPD #PTSD #Conflict #attachmentissues

    6 comments