Depression. Guilt. Angry. Scared. Cancer.
I feel horrible. I haven’t visited my gram who’s dying of cancer. Reason is I’m too depressed to get out of bed before noon. But I just want to be with her. I lie awake at night thinking about her sleeping at the nursing home. How lonely she feels, angry and depressed. When I leave her I feel so guilty. I feel even more guilty that I don’t see her more than once a week. When I think about these things about myself, I spiral into dark thoughts. How I’m a worthless asshole, piece of shit, who doesn’t even visit his gram. How I disappointed her. How I’ve let her down. I think that I should be punished for not visiting her. She’s suffering so much so I have to suffer too. I’ve thought about really bad thoughts when I think of her and I’m not there. I just am a burden and a disappointment. I won’t hurt myself, I just have these thoughts and feelings. I have nightmares where she dies. My heart just aches. I’m scared of her dying. But I also want her to not be in pain anymore. Her cancer is spreading. When she dies I don’t know what I’ll do.. mental breakdown. #Grief #Depression #lonely #ihatemyself #MentalHealth #Cancer #Anxiety #Badthoughts #Selfhate #lonely #alone