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I feel trapped in my current situation and I'm uncertain about my mom's behavior I believe she loves me but I am not comfortable being in her presence

When I was younger, I experienced inappropriate touching from my two cousins, as well as other men. Thankfully, nothing more severe happened, but I chose to keep it to myself because I remembered the negative impact it had when I confided in my mom.

During my childhood, my mom was my hero, despite her being intimidating. I loved her wholeheartedly, as she was a single mom without any support. I understood her struggles because life had been harsh to her.

However, I can't help but hold some resentment towards her for instilling fear in me. I never had privacy in various aspects of my life, from friends to food choices and even my clothing. I accepted it because she was the only family I had, unlike my absent father.

I vividly remember her checking my virginity daily by touching my vagina, even when I didn't fully understand what it meant. At the time, I believed she was looking out for me, but that perception changed when I turned 14.

When I reached 14, everything changed. I experienced my first painful and annoying period, and my mom introduced me to a man who was younger than her. While she seemed happy, I despised him from the moment I met him. It was the first time I felt hatred towards someone, aside from school-related matters.

Once he entered the picture, my mom's behavior shifted dramatically. She became overly nice, but I detested the way he treated me like his servant and the repulsive way he looked at me. Whenever I tried discussing my concerns with my mom, she would dismiss them, claiming I couldn't see her happy, which only angered her further.

I learned to ignore their behavior until that fateful day. Instead of coming straight home from school with my friends, I decided to take a leisurely walk through the neighborhood. Little did I know, that decision would forever change my relationship with my mom.

When I returned home just five minutes later, my mom appeared furious, as if she wanted to kill me. She interrogated me about where I had been and started hurling derogatory slurs at me, insinuating that I had been promiscuous. Mind you, I was only 14 years old, and she did this in front of her guests and her husband. She dragged me into a dreadful room, humiliating me in ways I had never experienced before. Ultimately, she confirmed that I was still a virgin.

I can still vividly recall that moment, as if it happened yesterday. There was no trace of remorse or guilt on her face, and my heart sank. I couldn't help but laugh, thinking I must be going insane. I understood that being a single parent was challenging, but did that make me a mere object? Don't I have feelings? Am I not a human being? It hurt me deeply.

She walked out of that room, taking a piece of my heart with her that day. I was never the same again.

Her smug husband stood at the door, demanding that I apologize to my mom for worrying her. I simply walked away while they yelled after me. In a fit of anger, I wanted to sleep with anyone, just to lose this meaningless virginity. Thankfully, my cousin intervened, the same cousin who had been among the men who molested me as a child. Thanks to him, I didn't make a regrettable decision in that moment.

Years have passed, and now I'm 19 years old. I have no friends, I avoid going out, and I despise my mom. Unfortunately, I still have no privacy.

Last year was particularly difficult for me. I resorted to cutting my wrists, but unfortunately, my blood wouldn't flow. I had to seek help from my mom again, and her response was dismissive, stating that it was embarrassing and not worth calling an ambulance on a Sunday. It's ironic that nearly dying was seen as less important than potential embarrassment.

Thank you for listening to my frustrations.

#Trauma #Distract #Selfharm #Suicide

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Flavored rice crisps are wicked good. My favorite flavor is BBQ but ranch and cheddar are good as well. BBQ tastes just like chips. Who needs chips?#TheMighty #MightyTogether #DistractMe #distraction #Distract #Smallthings #littlethings

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yo yo yo just got my next ink therapy appointment scheduled. gonna get my feet finished. my tat artist knows me by now. probably means i go there way too much ; )#TheMighty #MightyTogether #Distract #DistractMe #Therapy #Tattoo

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Distraction Take 2 - I wanna know!

I am still struggling like mad but wanna give this distraction thing another shot even though I don't have the energy to respond to messages or comments at the moment. Here goes:

What is the major theme of the decor in your home? I am really interested in knowing your preferences when it comes to how you outfit your house.

Mine is overwhelmingly coastal: seashore, nautical, and underwater.

What is yours? I can't wait to read it and will respond to comments when I can.

Thank you, loves. #TheMighty #MightyTogether #DistractMe #distraction #Distract #help

30 reactions 23 comments

Fresh produce!

#chronic pain,#chronic illnesses,#MH #lift me up,#mighty minute #Distract me
Gardening provides me a distraction of all my ailments for awhile.
I nurse the plants from seed to edible food. I spread crushed egg shells around the edges of the garden box to keep the slugs and snails away. No more freebies to snack on !


Gratefulness for the mighty!

#mighty minute, #Distract me, #lift me up
I've been with the mighty via my email for at least a couple years now.
Finding a safe place to be me! Chronically ill with daily and hourly challenges. Thanks to all the mighties here for their thoughts and support along the way!

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Monday after Mother's Day

#Distract me,#Anxiety ,#Depression ,#chronic pain,
I spent the weekend in self care mode after 2 Dr appointments Friday morning.
Today was pleasant and my caregiver was back. We took a walk. Cooked and cleaned.
Pretty good day.
I was in the mighty most the weekend cuz of Mother's Day and
ugly memories for me. I got lots of support there.
Thanks everyone!

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Something new I came across and quickly fell for too. To me it's taken doodling to a whole new level and I can get lost for HOURS... #Distract Me #emotional Flashbacks #CPTSD #Childhood trauma survivor#GAD

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I can't believe I did it!

I pushed through and fought the absolutely terrible nerve pain in so many areas of my body last night, to make Friday night pizza and it was Delicious. So proud of my pain control/distraction🥰 #Pain , #Distract me,#pizza ,#Pride
#Nerve pain, #chronic pain, #Sarcoidosis ,