sickandtired

I thought I had found the perfect job. 4 nights per week and I got to spend weekends with my granddaughter. Great for about 6 months Now I’m working 5 nights a week plus 6 hours on a Saturday with ONE day off. I have no family time anymore. No time for cleaning my own house. And absolutely NO time for myself. So I’m looking for a new job. I’ve got 30 plus years office experience and have applied to 30 plus job postings. SO, either employers are looking for younger talent, posting jobs for s&g’s because the only ones that even seem the slight bit interested are ….., you got it healthcare centers. I don’t want to get right back into the same situation I’m in now. I know that the grass is not always greener on the other side but a 40 hour work week is SO tempting. Even though I haven’t worked in an office setting since 2019 it hasn’t been that long ago. 🥹🥹😞😞

How can I possibly explain to my wife that for months I have discussed that we have communication issues and now I am tired. I feel like it’s my fault and now I would just rather shut my mouth and be much more passive than would be normal for me than to continue having potential conflict for no reason. Having dealt with depression and suicidal ideation and self harm in the past it’s just not worth it to me to work on this anymore. It’s an I’ve made this bed so lay in it situation. I want to run away or put a bullet in my brain or come down with an illness and die but that won’t happen so now I wait and just exist in this. How do I even try to explain or should I just let it go….hoping for psychogenic death. #MDD #sickandtired

I have been so fed up this term with starting practicum and still being in grad school and all these microaggressions happening with my supervisor and professors and how much SHAME I've been feeling for the ways in which my body cannot "keep up" or needs accommodations to work around ableist constructs of what it means to "show up" in the role of the therapist. There is nothing wrong with having a disabled body or having certain limitations...there IS something wrong with a field built on helping people, on not supporting access and space for all types of embodied experiences as therapists! We need more disabled therapists...we need more chronically ill therapists...and just because our reliability and consistency shows up differently than an ableist notion of these same constructs does not mean that we are not reliable or consistent or not meant for this work! Thats bs...Im so tired of having to feel like I need to hide parts of myself in order to sit in the "seat" of the therapist...and this also coming from somatic psychology that emphasizes the importance of the body?!...I CANT smh...there is a such need for more disabled therapists, and if that means also continuing to actively challenging the ableism that is drenched in the field of psychotherapy...well Ill keep using my final papers for that lol....I could go on and on and my brain is just spooned out and my own mini flare happening at the same time so I will end here...

I really don’t want to be me any more. I don’t move ahead. I can’t keep up. I am slow, and forgetful, forget things, forget where I put things, misjudge time, make a mess with ans not realizing it. Can’t decide what I need so I bring too much, clean the same room over and over again cause I live in it all the time cause I am comfortable in it, I am always fatigued. Always tired. My condition changes from one day to another. I can’t say .” I’ll be there “ cause I don’t know how I will # sick feel that day. I don’t want to be me anymore, #sickandtired

Can you medicate me?

Can you feel my pulse?

I am too far to find me

I am too numb to feel these broken bones

Staring from the outside

All your ignorance

Makes it hard to see

Beneath my skin I fight a war within

I fight a war within

If these scars could speak

You would hear my hell

And all the lies I use to save myself

If these scars could speak

You would know my pain

And all the demons hiding in my rage

If these scars could speak

All the stigma feeding

It sucks the life from me

Now I'm suffocating

All your expectations drowning me

Walls are closing in now

How will I survive?

Is it really over?

Tell me, will I make it through the night?

Will I make it through the night?

Can you hear them

Will you listen?

Can you hear them

Inside of my head...?

I fight a war within

Will I make it through the night?
#Depression #FeelngAlone #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #donefighting #sickandtired #PTSD #Anxiety #Nofightleft #deadinside #DontFeelAlive #TheseThoughtsWontLetMeSleep #WillThisPainEverEnd

Is anyone else sick and tired of everyone around them just doing whatever the hell they want (big Thanksgiving plans, taking a trip on an airplane out of one dangerous area to another and then driving to yet another). I'm so tired of the "me" mentality...."well for MY mental well being, I need to go out and do things and see friends and have my Thanksgiving and travel" etc etc etc. THIS IS HOW WE GOT HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!  If everyone had buckled down to begin with we may not be in such a bad position now.  Yeah, I'm tired of the virus too but if more people were less selfish I think we'd all be better off right now.

On those days that I have CFS which is most of the time I feel like I'm just waiting to die.