emotional blackouts

Today is a crappy day. It started when I woke up and read the news. There, I read about the next Corona actions. Now, they are about to reduce our range of motion to 9 miles. Although I know that I'm not a big fan of traveling long distances because of my travel sickness, I got furious because of this negative news. I'm also afraid of more ordinances and more severe ordinances by the politicians, like curfews for example.
Just because of this negative news, I got sensory overloaded and I had a slight meltdown and a panic attack. Later, we cleaned the kitchen, and the strong smell of the cleanser caused a headache and a shutdown. My neighbors in the apartments next to mine and in the apartment above mine are always arguing loudly with their wives. Now, I am extremely drained and exhausted, and besides this, I have a headache, an upset stomach, I feel sorry for having a meltdown, a panic attack, and a shutdown in that same afternoon. I also feel sorry for getting rude and aggressive because of my anxiety attack and my meltdown. The only thing I want for now is just skipping the rest of this crappy day as it is sensory hell and unsurvivable for me. I even don't want to watch wrestling tonight, although I'm always looking forward to watch it. I don't know to cope with this crappy day. #Anxiety #AutismMeltdown #Autism #autismspectrumcondition #AutismShutdown #Drained #ExhaustedAlways #exhaustion #chronic Gastritis #Chronicexhaustion #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS #SensoryOverloads #SensoryDisorder #SensoryIssues #Depression #PTSD #AutisticAdults #AutisticExhaustion #deadinisde #aggressive #depressed #aggression #Anxietyanddepression #AnxietyAttack #AngerManagement #Feelingsorryformyself #feelingunabletofunction #feelingdeainside #EmotionalBlackouts #mentalblackouts

I am usually bi polar , predominantly depressive. Two nights ago mania kicked in. Or something did. Occasionally, when EXTREMELY stressed, once a year or less, I flip. Flip like a switch and it’s not pretty. Usually involves screaming, yellow, belittling of my loving partner...throw things. Total s#*# show. Kicker is...I don’t remember it. I just wake up to a sinking feeling that something is awry. My partner handles it by shutting down and ignoring that anything happened. I can’t do this. Holding all that in kills me inside. Then the grainy old film inside my head starts throwing me snippets of the nights circus. This isn’t me. I’m not like this ! I don’t like this person. It’s like “she” isn’t a part of me. Horrible. I’m trying to do this on my own, as far as medical care, I pray 2021 I can finally get insurance again. Meanwhile, I’m taking 20 Paxil and that’s it. This stinks. I’m scared guys. I don’t want to run this wonderful man off. #BipolarDisorder #EmotionalBlackouts #MentalHealth #BipolarDepression

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

Me and my boyfriend have been together almost 2 years. && he is one of the most amazing human beings in the planet! He went out of town til Monday evening and I have been just doing HORRIBLE.
I have bee led free since January due to loss of insurance and so as u can imagine my lows are scary and my highs are insane.
When he left Friday I absolutely went into hysterics. Freaking out, crying, hyperventilating. Just the most absolute feelings of fear and terror went through me. Even tho there was/is zero reason to.

I hate this feeling. I hate doing that to him. I dread and then have anxiety about having a huge flare up of being hysterical. Not only does it ruin my relationship but it is painful and draining on me also. #EmotionalBlackouts #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #FreakingOut #abandonmentissues