emotionaltrauma

It has taken me so long to reconnect my fragmented parts of self. so I can even just start to feel like my authentic self I was always ment to be.
I’m not fully there. I know this process/journey of finding self is not a straight line and to my immense frustration am also now aware there is no finish line. Still hate hearring/recognizeing that but at least intellectually I get it.
I’m awake again with my mind spinning with so much. Trying to reframe the thought s of what’s wrong with. How come I can’t get traction in my life. The enormous distractions of trying to understand what I’ve been dealing with for the 52 years of my existence. For me my #CPTSD is the umbrella for my #Depression (major depression ), #Anxiety , #PersistentDepressiveDisorder (dysthymia) and #BipolarDisorder .
Growing up with 1 grandiose narcissist and a covert narcissist meant I was and still am gaslighted on a daily basis. The toxic dysfunction is long term/chronic emotional abuse. From birth I was made to doubt myself and not dare to have my own thoughts and feelings. The gaslighting/brainwashing from such a young age had me continually confused. I was left to try and figure out everything on my own. My innate being is an #HSP . My natural temperament of being continually curious and really wanting to understand the world around me was stifled. I wanted to understand deeply how things worked but then my parents could not let me be too smart. Now I know you never point out to narcissist that you actually do know when they are lying. They masked this is in they…well all adults know best. So learn but don’t learn the truth.
My thoughts were wrong, my feelings were wrong. I became invisible. With narcissists never show them the real you., any of your vulnerabilities. My 3 older siblings helped. Just recently 1 brother said to me what I’m experiencing in my life is insignificant. All this while telling me he’s a life coach and I just need to join a gym to solve all my problems. Oh he was magnanimous and would pay for it too.
Those words “what’s going on in your life is insignificant” cut deep. To them, to the world I’m insignificant. I chose the wrong friends, the wrong romantic partners….I subconsciously surrounded myself with narcissist over and over. I was programmed not to know my own mind. I was so easily molded to continually discount my own mind. Everyone new more/better than me. I was continuously told I shouldn’t think or feel what I’m thinking or feeling.
So surprised surprise I learned to dissociate, disconnect from my feelings and ultimately my true self. Remember I said I’m innately an HSP. HSP”s are extreme empathetic emotional sponges. I naturally think and feel deeply but I shut it all down before the age of 10. I became a robot until I started completely dysfunctioning at age 35. My first breakdown. It’s taken me almost 20 years to make sense of things. Unfortunately got retraumatized a few more times with very unhelpful therapy. Got better help now.

After suffering for depression and anxiety for so long, I thought I was broken, I was a weirdo and I needed to fix me. I was trying to change who I was, without trying to understand why. Being my number one bully. Ignoring my feeling like everybody else did, trying to fit, when all I really wanted was acceptance and love. Being seen. I'm learning to see myself, to acknowledge my emotions, to validate my feeling, and treat me with love, respect and patience. Still a long way to go, but it's worth it. #Anxiety #Depression #PMDD #learningtolivewithit #emotionaltrauma #journeynotdestination

Hi everyone! I love the Mighty! Though, I am usually one to encourage others and not post
my own stuff. I deal with self doubt and thinking I might say something unrelatable. But here goes...because someone might relate and it’s something I want to get off my chest.

For years, I went to a therapist for mental health issues. I went 2x a week—for undividual and group therapy. At first for major depression/anxiety. And the first year or two she was really helpful, so I thought. Over time, she became less and less helpful and every time I told her I had gotten all I could out of therapy and the group ( I was there 9 years total) she told me I would fall apart and basically die without her. Part of that had to do with a bpd diagnosis that she had helped diagnose. And I did have some bpd traits at the time. But the crazy thing is she equated bpd with basically a life sentence—you must see someone (her) 2x a week because the diagnosis is too severe etc. Which looking back makes no sense.

Anyway, as time went on, I became more and more mentally ill (looking back now) and more and dependent on her—which is the exact opposite of how therapy should go. And also why I hesitated to talk about this topic for so long because I’ve actually had some really great therapists since I left the toxic one and I strongly believe in therapy being helpful (for the most part). Also, she would only see me if I also went to her group therapy. Group therapy was super confusing because we were made to say how great of a therapist she was—and she didn’t like dissent from that (even when I realized she was toxic). Anyway, super culty and brainwashy. My therapist also told me if I left and I hadn’t done the right therapeutic work with her—I would have a incomplete therapeutic record and it would mess with me being able to see a therapist in the future (if I wanted to be covered by insurance).

Luckily, I had a friend (who is a social worker) who helped me see that this therapist had some really skewed ideas. And basically no one can ever force you to stay in therapy unless it’s court ordered or along those lines. And it took awhile for me to see that—because I thought this therapist was only there to help me. I left this toxic therapist 5 years ago. And luckily I’ve had good therapeutic help since then. But it’s left some scars on me. I lost myself for years due to a narcissistic toxic therapist wanting me to believe that she was the only one who could save me...even though she was the one harming me. I mourn the time lost and I mourn my loss of self from being brainwashed.

I hope this experience hasn’t happened to anyone else. But I’m here to say I sympathize/empathize with anyone who has been taken advantage of and experienced trauma of any kind or pain really. We might not have the same story...but I can empathize with pain.

Here’s to radical acceptance of our pain and our journeys. I wish the best for everyone on here. Be well ❤️☮️ #emotionaltrauma #toxictherapy