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What people don’t see

People only see part of it. They see the out bursts and the negative side effects but, they do not see the rest. They do not see it when I cry. The internal struggle that happens constantly within me. How much energy it takes to just breathe.

You’re happy that I am nice instead of mean, or that I kept my mouth shut….but you do not know what that cost me. It costs me my sanity most days. You get mad because I get quiet and just say one or two words, you don’t get that inside I am raging and I do not want to say the wrong thing. That I want to react, and it is taking all of me not to do the bad thing.

I am in constant turmoil. I am damned if I do and damned if I do not. What am I supposed to do? You want to know how I am feeling then it is like I am getting I to trouble for feeling that way. You get tired of going through the same shit over and over again…you only get that part of the time. I deal with it ALL the time. I get tired of feeling.

I put on a smile, make people laugh, because I hope that they never feel even half as much as I do. I am miserable with all the conflicting thoughts inside of me. I don’t do anything with my life because I no longer know what to do, what I should do, what I am supposed to do. If I do something I’ll end up disappointing at least one person. It is better to not try and disappoint everyone.

People don’t get it, the constant “on” inside. This isn’t just a monologue, there are literal fights that happen. Rational vs irrational. Good vs bad. Act vs don’t act. And on and on. And that isn’t even adding in my other mental health issues. Everything is always constant and reinforcing everything else…people think they understand, and they try to, but they don’t fully understand how it is.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #miserable #alone #MentalHealth #Ugh

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Negativity is draining #Stress #Workplace #Depression #chronic #Caregiver #Drained

I’m having a really hard time at work now. I sort of need work to be an escape from the rest of the craziness in my life. I’m at this job 10 months so I don’t have the luxury of tons of seniority. Some ppl left and some new ppl joined and such an air of NEGATIVITY and malaise has descended. I find it so hard to stay upbeat (not easy anyway) and provide appropriate patient care. Every job has positives and negatives please .
Anyway thanks for listening. Any ideas validation or helpful comments would be appreciated #chronic #Caregiver #HealthCare #negativity #Drained #miserable #watercooler #Workplace


New Year’s Resolution

I don’t normally do the whole New Year’s Resolution thing - I never stick to them. I always set goals that are next to impossible to achieve.

So this year I decided to set a fairly easy one.

My new year’s resolution was to respect the limits of my body. To take note when I’m getting close to those limits, to know when enough is enough, and intervene before things get too bad. Which I know is a good thing… But today I was visiting my sister and my little nephew (he is the light of my life)… And I’ve had to come home early because of my pain and exhaustion. And I feel like utter SHIT. I hate all these limitations. I feel useless and ashamed. I’m miserable.

#chronicillnesswarrior #ChronicPain #POTS #AutonomicDysfunction #Dysautonomia #EDS #EhlersDanlos #BPD #InterstitialCystitis #Diabetes #Migraines #NAFLD #nash #LiverDisease #CarpalTunnel #Depression #sad #miserable #newyearsresolution

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LesMiserable. Mehhhh. #autoimmune

woke up yest w rash on neck n abdomen, this morning it’s also up my arms. Feels like allergic/hives type of thing. Started taking Sun Chlorella just a few days ago and believe that’s the culprit. It cannot be the Breyers neopolitan Ice cream - my newfound delight. Worse. It cannot be my body shutting down, the spincycle wants to kick in but I am going to aim for solutions-mode.
I wanted to wake up all better, so to feel worse today has set the anxiety into overdrive. #feelings #miserable #Anxiety #OCD


Depression spiral #Depression #exhaustion #miserable #Anxiety

There's nothing quite like knowing you're rushing toward rock bottom but not being able to do anything about it. I am so overwhelmed, drowning in work, panicked, tired and just plain sad. None of that matters though because there are things that need to be done. Now I just need to somehow get myself out of bed and back to everything that is waiting on me.


Bumps in the night #Bipolar1Disorder #Insomnia

I've had my first manic episode in a long time over the last month, or maybe it was mixed? Who knows?
I'm one of those people that no matter where I am on the spectrum it takes a truck load of tranquilizers and such to put me down. The only difference is how long I'm going to stay down.
They gave me ambien a few years back and it induced terrible hallucinations for an extended period of time.
In the last year I've started sleep walking? I've always been a sleep talker, but this is nuts.
It started with latuda. I do not look at the side effects, my son looked it up for me and it is indeed a side effect.
So we went back to Restoril. And I've started doing it again? I woke up this morning with a big knot on my head, so I didn't take it last night but I did take all of my everything else that should atleast make me sleepy a little... not at all.
Have any of y'all ever done this? #knotsonmyhead #miserable #Sleepwalking #tiredofthetorture #questions #CheckInWithMe #Mania #MixedState #somethingsgottagive

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#Ugh #Anotherday #knockmeout fibroflare #SleepDeprivation #killerpain #miserable #needsleep #back2bed4me

Only got 1 & 1/2 hrs sleep - lack of sleep makes #Fibromyalgia #Pain horrendous. I'll need to take some Trazadone with Vistoril & get more sleep or else the whole day will only get worse for wear. I'm like "😦😩😧😖😩😵" .....can't do it ....not today. Back to bed for me. To🛌 need😴


Badly triggered, in a pit of misery #recovering #emotionalpain #Hurtinginside

My husband said something today that triggered a memory of something so catastrophic I was never even able to bring it up in therapy. It happened about 15 years ago and I’m confident it won’t recur . Yet it triggered me so badly I’ve been shaking ever since. I hate how I feel. I hate the reminder that I’m recovering from domestic abuse. I hate the fact that fifteen years later it still makes me feel so yucky. Help me climb out of this misery #DomesticAbuse #recovering #tryingsodamnhard #miserable #triggered #forgiveand ...


Withdraw again...

I went through withdraw from my antidepressant yet again this week. Ive had it happen before but this was so bad. The headaches are worse than ever. I left work throwing up two days in a row and spent the entire day puking yesterday bc the pharmacy didnt fill them on time. But this is maybe my 9th or 10th antidepressant Ive been on in the last 3 years and i still cannot find one that works. I just turned 19 last month so my doctor is having an adult provider reach out to me (which was supposed to happen like 3 months ago) so we csn change my meds. Ive been on this one for maybe a year bc i havent haf the time or energy to change it but i missed mayne 2 doses and went into full blown withdraw and practically felt like i was dying for the last 4 days. I cant even describe how much i hate this. I hate being depressed and i hate being on meds that don't work and i hate seeing doctors and i hate the withdraw so much. I just want it to be over. So many days i just wish i was dead so i wouldnt have to deal with this anymore. My car accident that caused my fibro was horrible and everyday i wish it haf killed me. Or the people in my life that abused me. I just wish i wasnt here anymore bc im so young but i feel like I'm dying 24/7 and i honestly dont know hoe much longer i can live with this pain.
#Depression #Fibromyalgia #withdraw #miserable


#dullmind #miserable

I m 20 years old boy and i have spent my whole life inside my home. I don't have any friend and any social skill. I m very much unconfident and shy. I act like dumb. I have been bullied by my class mates in school and by other random people. I feel bullshit. I haven't achieved anything till yet. I feel useless. Besides i m a maladapative daydreamer so i talk to myself in alone. I can't control my thoughts and my actions. This is the worst trait of my personality. I needed a therapist but my parents couldn't understand so they refused somehow now i can't convince them more. But i feel very much anxiety all the time. I become nervous and confused on almost every thing. I feel bad n women like.