family

What is a pack? A hierarchy of the same group of animals. One in charge above all.

What is a family? A line of the same sort. There’s always one in charge while the others follow around.

What happens when a wounded pup is found? An abandoned animal? Neglect, passing by, nature shows us a multitude of things.

Typically it’s the mothering type that bring them in, clean them off, nurture and love them.

How often is it the father?

What it becomes in theory is a ‘family’.

A pack.

Big and little.

A family by all accounts, something positive and good. Strong in faith and loyalty, ties.

What becomes of the unit when it’s fractured though?

Pieces displaced by history and time.

The family I speak of, the family I remember, it started all with a little Mexican woman with a cooler of beers in the kitchen, dancing at the stove with whoever was in her reach. Her fingers twisted at awkward angles but if you took the spatula from her, god help you.

Through this woman the love passed on in her line, even to the stray pup that was brought inside.

Somewhere along the years of memories and grief, it broke. The new speaker tried to over rule who was who; get rid of the memories of the pup all together.

With his pups along side him.

The three who mourned her passing too.

And the line? Oh, an ode to the line- he may be yours but by law and justice, in the eyes of God almighty we belong to him too.

In a world so cruel and harsh it would push out a child, deny him, starve him, neglect him- to be placed directly in the path of the alpha, hand delivered by God himself.

/Remember his word. You’re not here because of spirituality, HE called you here./

How could you be so cruel to ostracize him while the man who brought him in, ordered by God, is lying in a hospital stuck in the state he is.

’Like arrows in the hand of the warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them.’

He may be yours by blood but he is our by teaching, by love, and the legacy of sacrifice.

Years before our own pack was formed, before he added the ones currently in his life-

’Little’ was the first one there.

‘Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me and whoever receives me, receives not me but he who sent me.’

I don’t deny your lineage.

I don’t deny the history that was built between you- them- him.

So don’t deny our lives.

One of the reasons we’re here today.

He gave him that piece first.

He gave him your last name.

That pup, now grown, an alpha on his own, he passed it to us.

He is just as much ours as he is yours.

I see you praying in the hallway.

I hear you praying over him.

Bile rises in my throat at the waves of hypocrisy that roll off of you.

We are here today because of God and the decisions, the choices he laid directly in the path of the son who’s mother had the crooked hands.

I mean no disrespect towards the line but whether YOU like it or not, we’re apart of it.

I want to remind you, STAR, it started with them. It started with us. I may not be given the official title but I hold it proudly in my heart.

The first grandchild.

My name given to me by my parents, my middle name inspired by him.

Maria, forever tying me to my Mexican roots.

I don’t know what’s going to happen, only God does.

His eyes may open, he could turn us away, but too many visitors we were NOT.

“The evil tongue is a flattering tongue that will speak fair to one’s face but will defame- ‘He that hateth dissembleth with his lips.’

You can say what you want but his name is on that paper, his hand signed it. That can’t be undone.

History and pain aside, the stories, you can’t change any of it.

The foundation of our family was laid on the god given words woven into their lives which in turn, attached our square to yours.

‘Big’

‘Little’

You can’t erase it.

No matter what is said, what is done, that’s what they’re known by.

Loyalty isn’t just standing at his side and praying to the God that brought us here, the one you’re willing to ignore.

Loyalty is being there through it all and standing by his side praying, the nails of their monsters having grown over their shoulders, asking for him to come back and open his eyes to say

“I love you” just one last time.

#Family #Familydrama #Faith #healingthroughwriting #lettertotheline #loyalty #Love #hegaveushisname

The 1 year anniversary of my Dad’s passing is next week. (Passing on to what? I really don’t know, but I like thinking about death as a passing on or in to something.)
————————

On June 1st of last year, Dad still would not see us (‘us’ meaning his children)— he did not want us to visit him. Our stepmom asked if we had any words or thoughts we wanted her to read to him.

At first, I didn’t think I would send anything for my stepmom to read, because I didn’t think I at all knew what to say. My spouse encouraged me to try. I think he knew that I had things to say and, if I just sat down to try, words would come. He was right.

In the last year of time, I couldn’t look at what I had written because it was too emotionally overwhelming. Today is the 1st time I’ve read it since Dad passed. Below is a big excerpt from what I wrote:

“‘I Always Will’

I still have the checkered bear you bought when I was born
You were one of the first people I ever loved

As a young child in the 80s, I remember listening to your Chariots of Fire and St. Elmo’s Fire soundtracks
I loved your blue and white van, and you calling me ‘blueberry cheesecake’
I remember the basement with your art-space in Downers Grove
…
I remember listening to Tom’s Diner with you in the car
I loved the popcorn cans you designed…
I love the flowers in a vase painting you gave to me
I still have it
I remember working on my constellation …project with you in your art room at Mama and Papa’s…

I always loved seeing your art supplies….all the colors very neatly arranged like a color wheel or rainbow
I loved going to Art stores with you
I loved seeing Your Art and Photography
I will always love the photo you took of me as a little girl in the flowers
I will always remember listening to The Cranberries…with you in the 90’s

Brussell sprouts, black olives, red wine, cinnamon-sugar toast…and Skirt Steak will always remind me of you
GI Joes, Micro Machines and…Star Fighters will always remind me of you
Tennis, skiing, The Bears…and racquetball will always remind me of you
Corduroy pants,…camping, sand dunes and the orange of Fall will always remind me of you
Vivaldi’s Four Seasons, the Everly Brothers…paint tubes, Prismacolor markers…will always remind me of you
City passenger trains,…records, cameras and photography will always remind me of you
Chicago,…Coconut Grove, graphic design, sailboats on the water… and walks in nature will always remind me of you

As a little girl, I looked up to you
…
You are one of the first people I fell in love with in this crazy life
I love you still
I always will”
~

My younger brother also sent something for our stepmom to read to Dad. After she read our words to him, and asked one more time if we could visit him, Dad decided to let us come. From that point we had about a week and 3 days to spend time with him before he passed.

#Grief #Relationships #Family #artastherapy

#questions #Pain #Rejection #Heartache #Lonliness #Family #outcast #unfamiliar

I'm wondering what the f*** happened to my once close nit family unit. Despite the traumatic events that resulted in my BPD I believe I had a good childhood and a great loving supportive family.my father had NPD and my mother was extremely antisocial but they were high functioning as far as raising kids owning a house and working full-time. My mother was loving compassionate supportive and so caring when it came to us kids she would spend all her free time spending time with us while my brother was at home He's 8 years older and he left when I was 9 for college.I can remember doing things as a family all the time playing badminton going swimming riding mountain bike going on family vacations shopping spree road trips on our birthdays My brother coming home for Christmas and us doing traditional European Christmas Eve celebration.We would watch TGIF cable television every Friday as a family and Saturday night board games and then Sunday night special dinners on top of the six other days a week we had family dinners together.If there was something happening at my school like children performances for Christmas my mom was always there she never missed a thing except for bring your parent to school day. I grew up having my mom read me bedtime stories and give me a hug before bed and saying good night I love you in our language which is "dobre notz" forgive my spelling.I was ostracized by our whole entire town because I never got socialized in having no family and parents without friends with kids nobody taught me any of the social skills I needed to know to be able to not be targeted.So needless to say growing up my very best friend was always my mother.After the age of five there was nothing that I was afraid to tell my mother I could always tell her the truth no matter how bad how painful except for things that make me cry oh she would get mad when I cried.At 14 One day she calmly just asked me if I have had sex yet and do I need birth control should we make a doctor's appointment.I found that to be a little odd as I had no friends barely made it to school and hardly left the house but I had no problems answering the question.Every Time I got a new boyfriend and I was crazy in love and he was the one My mom was the one I could talk to about it.She was also the one who would keep my secrets like every time I got pregnant and didn't want to tell my dad.She was 99% of the time my biggest support system.My father and I had a very surface level relationship growing up I can remember him providing for me and watching movies with me but that's about it. we didn't become closer until I was around the age of 16 and even then it was quite a volatile relationship with his narcissistic personality disorder and my free spirited BPD disorder "Imma do what I want to do and you can't do nothing about it" attitude.As a family unit me my mom and my dad and my kids were incredibly close we even lived in the same apartment building one floor apart. we'd have dinner together every single night My mom would come with me to every school event for 2 of 3 of my kids lives.She was the one to stay with me at the hospital when I was having each child.If I or the kids got sick she was right there taking care of us.Sadly just over 2 years ago on May 2nd My father passed away of a heart attack.

FROM THAT MOMENT ON I HAVE NO CLUE WHO MY MOTHER IS OR WHY SHE CHANGED. SHE IS COLD APATHETIC DISTANT AND CAN BE QUITE MEAN. FOR EXAMPLE AT THE BEGINNING OF OCTOBER I LET MY MOM KNOW THAT SOMETHING AWFUL HAPPENED TO MY CHILDREN AND I AND THAT NO WE WERE NOT DOING OKAY BECAUSE OF IT. SHE HAD NOTHING TO SAY AFTER I TOLD HER AND THEN WHEN I SAID I'D LIKE HER TO BE AROUND MORE SHE SAID "DON'T CONTACT ME TILL HALLOWEEN YOUR BROTHER'S COMING FOR THANKSGIVING I DON'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED" ONCE AGAIN FAMILY HOLIDAY COMES UP BUT ME AND THE CHILDREN ARE NOT INVITED. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY INSIGHT THAT THEY CAN SHARE WITH ME AS TO WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE WOMAN WALKING AROUND IN MY MOM'S BODY THAT IS NOT THE PERSON I'VE KNOWN FOR 40 YEARS?? THE ONLY REASON SHE EVEN SPEAKS TO ME IS BECAUSE I KNOW SHE'S GETTING UP THERE IN AGE AND I CHECK ON HER EVERY SINGLE SATURDAY BUT SINCE THE DAY MY FATHER DIED SHE'S NEVER ONCE PICKED UP THE PHONE TO CALL ME. FAMILY DINNERS STOPPED HOLIDAYS TOGETHER STOPPED SHOPPING TOGETHER STOPPED CAR RIDES TOGETHER STOPPED ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING THAT ME AND MY CHILDREN GREW UP WITH JUST STOPPED. OUR ENTIRE FAMILY CONSISTS OF MY THREE CHILDREN ME MY MOM AND MY BROTHER THAT'S HOW SMALL OUR FAMILY IS. SO WHY DOES MY MOTHER ONLY VALUE MY BROTHER IS A FAMILY MEMBER AND HAS COMPLETELY DISCONNECTED AND DISTANCED HERSELF FOR ME AND THE CHILDREN THAT SHE HELPED RAISE? SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN WONDERFUL WITH CHILDREN INCLUDING HAVING ONE WITH BPD WHO WOULD HAVE TO MAKE THE PHONE CALL ONCE I WAS AN ADULT HEY MOM I'M IN JAIL AND SHE WOULD HANDLE IT LIKE IT WAS NOTHING NEVER GET UPSET ALWAYS BE SUPPORTIVE AND TAUGHT ME THAT FAMILY STICKS TOGETHER NO MATTER WHAT. SO WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO CAUSE SUCH A DRASTIC DRAMATIC CHANGE IN HOW MY MOTHER FEELS ABOUT ME AND MY CHILDREN??#Rejection #isolated #Lonliness #Family #Pain #Sadness

I usually meet up with family members this time of year for my birthday.
It's tough as afterwards I feel super triggered.
However. I could push to meet a friend
Soon after as a way to get over seeing them. I dread how I know I will feel

Tension in my body.
Upset. Tearful. Angry. All deep.emotions.
Just needed to voice my stress and tensions.
I can feel a stiffness in my back.
I dont have to meet anyone. But I probably will. #Family #Depression # trauma