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A story I thought I’d share (the photo is of jewelry my Dad had given to my Mom & me, hanging on my funeral attire hanger)
The 1 year anniversary of my Dad’s passing is next week. (Passing on to what? I really don’t know, but I like thinking about death as a passing on or in to something.)
————————
On June 1st of last year, Dad still would not see us (‘us’ meaning his children)— he did not want us to visit him. Our stepmom asked if we had any words or thoughts we wanted her to read to him.
At first, I didn’t think I would send anything for my stepmom to read, because I didn’t think I at all knew what to say. My spouse encouraged me to try. I think he knew that I had things to say and, if I just sat down to try, words would come. He was right.
In the last year of time, I couldn’t look at what I had written because it was too emotionally overwhelming. Today is the 1st time I’ve read it since Dad passed. Below is a big excerpt from what I wrote:
“‘I Always Will’
I still have the checkered bear you bought when I was born
You were one of the first people I ever loved
As a young child in the 80s, I remember listening to your Chariots of Fire and St. Elmo’s Fire soundtracks
I loved your blue and white van, and you calling me ‘blueberry cheesecake’
I remember the basement with your art-space in Downers Grove
…
I remember listening to Tom’s Diner with you in the car
I loved the popcorn cans you designed…
I love the flowers in a vase painting you gave to me
I still have it
I remember working on my constellation …project with you in your art room at Mama and Papa’s…
I always loved seeing your art supplies….all the colors very neatly arranged like a color wheel or rainbow
I loved going to Art stores with you
I loved seeing Your Art and Photography
I will always love the photo you took of me as a little girl in the flowers
I will always remember listening to The Cranberries…with you in the 90’s
Brussell sprouts, black olives, red wine, cinnamon-sugar toast…and Skirt Steak will always remind me of you
GI Joes, Micro Machines and…Star Fighters will always remind me of you
Tennis, skiing, The Bears…and racquetball will always remind me of you
Corduroy pants,…camping, sand dunes and the orange of Fall will always remind me of you
Vivaldi’s Four Seasons, the Everly Brothers…paint tubes, Prismacolor markers…will always remind me of you
City passenger trains,…records, cameras and photography will always remind me of you
Chicago,…Coconut Grove, graphic design, sailboats on the water… and walks in nature will always remind me of you
As a little girl, I looked up to you
…
You are one of the first people I fell in love with in this crazy life
I love you still
I always will”
~
My younger brother also sent something for our stepmom to read to Dad. After she read our words to him, and asked one more time if we could visit him, Dad decided to let us come. From that point we had about a week and 3 days to spend time with him before he passed.
(edited)
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Family advice
Background Im watching my sisters baby and her 3 step sons. My mom came to help her also with our younger sister she is the same age as one of the boys. Anyways my mom has pots and Eds. I have watched the boys last summer. I stay at her house because I live in a different state. A few months after I got home from watching them for 2 months I had a heart attack and now have heart failure. I get winded going up stairs. I also have autism and don’t know how to talk to her about it or if I’m overthinking this. I tried talking to my mom but she gives me short answers or bushes me off .Ok now for the place I need advice. It’s been 3 ish days the first day the husband had driven overnight so he took a nap while me and my mom watched the kids for at least 3 hours while he napped when he woke up nothing he had to do something next day same thing all day had to do something me and my mom had the kids all day they took them to dinner today we had the kids while he napped he finally took the kids to get a haircut but left our sister out of what they are doing and it crushed her she wanted to go she didint need her hair cut she just wanted to be included. It was like this last year he was on his phone and would tell the boys to go outside or upstairs they did fun things sometimes but it was mostly on the phone or napping while I had 3 boys at all times when they are here for there dad not the aunt (my sister just had the baby so last year it was only 3) i don’t know what to do I asked the middle boy if he wanted to see his dad more he said no he wants to see me because I play with him I’m exhausted and have chest pain by the end of the day because if I don’t do it who will my mom helps but she doesn’t feel well either. But I know it’s going to be like this all summer it was told to me it would just be while they were at work but it’s not #Family #Anxiety #AutismSpectrumDisorder #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #Depression
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Forgive Me, Ummy!
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My mom is sick
...and I get this mixed thoughts:
She doesn't like being old, she doesn't want to have to rely on others to take care of her.
I wonder if she is scared: back and forward to an ICU room, is she scared of dying?
My mom is sick, she is very far away, and I really don't know if she will make it.
She is 83.
Some times I cry, then I watch a movie.
I am in Canada, she is in Brazil.
We said goodbye in July 2023.
My mom is sick! Such a complicated relationship, I am adopted. I felt loved, unloved, neglected, overprotected.
And everything passes through my mind, because I don't think she will make it.
And sometimes I don't know if I care, or not.
Sometimes I care too much, sometimes I don't.
My mind makes dramas, like a movie.
Once I left the country, then she abandoned me too.
My poor sister taking care of her, so little support.
That's what I can't share tonight with my kids, my friends, because it's the night before Christmas. #Family
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Meh
Trigger warn: self harm
Trying to keep up, busy, so busy.
When night comes,the house is silent, then the monster comes out.
My psychiatrist thinks that I look for drama, I think, but who likes to feel like shit? Really? It's not a choice, I think.
I am not exercicing, eating sooooo much crap! Cutting a bit, here and there: pieces of nothing, very small scratches on my hands, because looks like kitchen accident.
I guess that is the very little control I have over my life.
My biological family calls me and calls me. They are so nice, but I get tired with all this "I love you", then I feel mean, just for thinking that it's a bit too much.
I don't feel it. I want to feel something for them, I really do. My biological mother, from heaven, must be shaking her head. How did I became this monster? They are all there, same town, living close to each other, and I'm here. Growing up like a rich kid, getting all, and nothing.
That connection was maybe a not so good idea. Because I feel like I have to give something in exchange, I have nothing, I'm hollow inside.
My adopted family... They are ok.
But I'm so hollow... Empty. Waiting for weekends to drink while watching a movie, not really getting drunk. Stuffing my face with sugar.
Hollow.
Nothing inside. Work, home, cook, clean, fold laundry, spend money, making more and more debts.
Hollow
#Selfharm , #Adoption , #Depression ,#Family . #emptness , #hollow , #Enuresis
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ONLY 1 FAMILY PHOTO OF WHAT USED TO BE
#questions #Pain #Rejection #Heartache #Lonliness #Family #outcast #unfamiliar
I'm wondering what the f*** happened to my once close nit family unit. Despite the traumatic events that resulted in my BPD I believe I had a good childhood and a great loving supportive family.my father had NPD and my mother was extremely antisocial but they were high functioning as far as raising kids owning a house and working full-time. My mother was loving compassionate supportive and so caring when it came to us kids she would spend all her free time spending time with us while my brother was at home He's 8 years older and he left when I was 9 for college.I can remember doing things as a family all the time playing badminton going swimming riding mountain bike going on family vacations shopping spree road trips on our birthdays My brother coming home for Christmas and us doing traditional European Christmas Eve celebration.We would watch TGIF cable television every Friday as a family and Saturday night board games and then Sunday night special dinners on top of the six other days a week we had family dinners together.If there was something happening at my school like children performances for Christmas my mom was always there she never missed a thing except for bring your parent to school day. I grew up having my mom read me bedtime stories and give me a hug before bed and saying good night I love you in our language which is "dobre notz" forgive my spelling.I was ostracized by our whole entire town because I never got socialized in having no family and parents without friends with kids nobody taught me any of the social skills I needed to know to be able to not be targeted.So needless to say growing up my very best friend was always my mother.After the age of five there was nothing that I was afraid to tell my mother I could always tell her the truth no matter how bad how painful except for things that make me cry oh she would get mad when I cried.At 14 One day she calmly just asked me if I have had sex yet and do I need birth control should we make a doctor's appointment.I found that to be a little odd as I had no friends barely made it to school and hardly left the house but I had no problems answering the question.Every Time I got a new boyfriend and I was crazy in love and he was the one My mom was the one I could talk to about it.She was also the one who would keep my secrets like every time I got pregnant and didn't want to tell my dad.She was 99% of the time my biggest support system.My father and I had a very surface level relationship growing up I can remember him providing for me and watching movies with me but that's about it. we didn't become closer until I was around the age of 16 and even then it was quite a volatile relationship with his narcissistic personality disorder and my free spirited BPD disorder "Imma do what I want to do and you can't do nothing about it" attitude.As a family unit me my mom and my dad and my kids were incredibly close we even lived in the same apartment building one floor apart. we'd have dinner together every single night My mom would come with me to every school event for 2 of 3 of my kids lives.She was the one to stay with me at the hospital when I was having each child.If I or the kids got sick she was right there taking care of us.Sadly just over 2 years ago on May 2nd My father passed away of a heart attack.
FROM THAT MOMENT ON I HAVE NO CLUE WHO MY MOTHER IS OR WHY SHE CHANGED. SHE IS COLD APATHETIC DISTANT AND CAN BE QUITE MEAN. FOR EXAMPLE AT THE BEGINNING OF OCTOBER I LET MY MOM KNOW THAT SOMETHING AWFUL HAPPENED TO MY CHILDREN AND I AND THAT NO WE WERE NOT DOING OKAY BECAUSE OF IT. SHE HAD NOTHING TO SAY AFTER I TOLD HER AND THEN WHEN I SAID I'D LIKE HER TO BE AROUND MORE SHE SAID "DON'T CONTACT ME TILL HALLOWEEN YOUR BROTHER'S COMING FOR THANKSGIVING I DON'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED" ONCE AGAIN FAMILY HOLIDAY COMES UP BUT ME AND THE CHILDREN ARE NOT INVITED. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY INSIGHT THAT THEY CAN SHARE WITH ME AS TO WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE WOMAN WALKING AROUND IN MY MOM'S BODY THAT IS NOT THE PERSON I'VE KNOWN FOR 40 YEARS?? THE ONLY REASON SHE EVEN SPEAKS TO ME IS BECAUSE I KNOW SHE'S GETTING UP THERE IN AGE AND I CHECK ON HER EVERY SINGLE SATURDAY BUT SINCE THE DAY MY FATHER DIED SHE'S NEVER ONCE PICKED UP THE PHONE TO CALL ME. FAMILY DINNERS STOPPED HOLIDAYS TOGETHER STOPPED SHOPPING TOGETHER STOPPED CAR RIDES TOGETHER STOPPED ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING THAT ME AND MY CHILDREN GREW UP WITH JUST STOPPED. OUR ENTIRE FAMILY CONSISTS OF MY THREE CHILDREN ME MY MOM AND MY BROTHER THAT'S HOW SMALL OUR FAMILY IS. SO WHY DOES MY MOTHER ONLY VALUE MY BROTHER IS A FAMILY MEMBER AND HAS COMPLETELY DISCONNECTED AND DISTANCED HERSELF FOR ME AND THE CHILDREN THAT SHE HELPED RAISE? SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN WONDERFUL WITH CHILDREN INCLUDING HAVING ONE WITH BPD WHO WOULD HAVE TO MAKE THE PHONE CALL ONCE I WAS AN ADULT HEY MOM I'M IN JAIL AND SHE WOULD HANDLE IT LIKE IT WAS NOTHING NEVER GET UPSET ALWAYS BE SUPPORTIVE AND TAUGHT ME THAT FAMILY STICKS TOGETHER NO MATTER WHAT. SO WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO CAUSE SUCH A DRASTIC DRAMATIC CHANGE IN HOW MY MOTHER FEELS ABOUT ME AND MY CHILDREN??#Rejection #isolated #Lonliness #Family #Pain #Sadness
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Family plans
I usually meet up with family members this time of year for my birthday.
It's tough as afterwards I feel super triggered.
However. I could push to meet a friend
Soon after as a way to get over seeing them. I dread how I know I will feel
Tension in my body.
Upset. Tearful. Angry. All deep.emotions.
Just needed to voice my stress and tensions.
I can feel a stiffness in my back.
I dont have to meet anyone. But I probably will. #Family #Depression # trauma
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