It took me a long time to adjust to my body after my medications added on some weight. I never liked my image growing up, a normal thing to deal with, though made worse by back handed compliments and forward insults about what I looked like from my family and bullies. I cared a bit less after having kids, as my priorities changed from myself to family needs, but I was always close to 130lbs in all those years.
I got on a multitude of prescriptions and my high activity level decreased as my health declined, and my weight plateaued at about 200lbs. My clothes didn't fit right anymore, any toning was gone, and my diet made no difference. This was also the time I was "put" back on the dating market.
With poor health, kids, and being on the heavier size, I didn't see myself as anything useful or valuable. But my new/current SO has spent the past years helping to fix that, and I have settled into being mostly comfortable in my skin...until now.
My medications were altered, my exercise has been cautiously upped, and my diet heavily restricted all due to my health taking a plunge off the deep end. My weight going down with it.
It's wrecking havoc on my mental state in terms of my self-image and, honestly, my pain levels. The more it drops, the more my pain has flared. It isn't a health weight loss, it adds weakness, dizziness and nausea more than usual to my days. I just adjusted to my size, now I'm changing shape again and don't recognize it in the mirror correctly. I'm so hungry.
Yet I've gotten more comments on my appearance than I have in years.
"Are you losing weight? You look great!"
"Look at you! Someone needs to go out on a date!"
"This is good for your health, you're going to feel better!"
And every time I well up with tears. I am not trying to look this way. I may lose more food from my diet if not entirely soon. I'm missing out on family dinners and feel like I'm being teased when everyone in the car can order food but I have to take a pill and drink my water and endure the smells. I don't feel good, I hurt and want my food back. I don't feel like me.
Once so far, at someone I knew, and she knew I was in declining health, I snapped back, "Thanks, it's called not eating!" And yet her reply was to smile, nod, and say she should try some of that then. Already upset, and with family with an anorexic past, it made me angry.
Stop complimenting my smaller size. I know it's meant in kindness, but the way I am losing it is not healthy, and it's left me in a mess trying to recognize my changing body.
#WeightLoss #Unhealthy #bodydismorphia #Depression #DietChange #confused #stressed #supportsystem #ChronicIllness #gastrointestinal #Vent