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Unhealthy Weight Loss & Struggling To Recognize It

It took me a long time to adjust to my body after my medications added on some weight. I never liked my image growing up, a normal thing to deal with, though made worse by back handed compliments and forward insults about what I looked like from my family and bullies. I cared a bit less after having kids, as my priorities changed from myself to family needs, but I was always close to 130lbs in all those years.

I got on a multitude of prescriptions and my high activity level decreased as my health declined, and my weight plateaued at about 200lbs. My clothes didn't fit right anymore, any toning was gone, and my diet made no difference. This was also the time I was "put" back on the dating market.

With poor health, kids, and being on the heavier size, I didn't see myself as anything useful or valuable. But my new/current SO has spent the past years helping to fix that, and I have settled into being mostly comfortable in my skin...until now.

My medications were altered, my exercise has been cautiously upped, and my diet heavily restricted all due to my health taking a plunge off the deep end. My weight going down with it.

It's wrecking havoc on my mental state in terms of my self-image and, honestly, my pain levels. The more it drops, the more my pain has flared. It isn't a health weight loss, it adds weakness, dizziness and nausea more than usual to my days. I just adjusted to my size, now I'm changing shape again and don't recognize it in the mirror correctly. I'm so hungry.

Yet I've gotten more comments on my appearance than I have in years.
"Are you losing weight? You look great!"
"Look at you! Someone needs to go out on a date!"
"This is good for your health, you're going to feel better!"

And every time I well up with tears. I am not trying to look this way. I may lose more food from my diet if not entirely soon. I'm missing out on family dinners and feel like I'm being teased when everyone in the car can order food but I have to take a pill and drink my water and endure the smells. I don't feel good, I hurt and want my food back. I don't feel like me.

Once so far, at someone I knew, and she knew I was in declining health, I snapped back, "Thanks, it's called not eating!" And yet her reply was to smile, nod, and say she should try some of that then. Already upset, and with family with an anorexic past, it made me angry.

Stop complimenting my smaller size. I know it's meant in kindness, but the way I am losing it is not healthy, and it's left me in a mess trying to recognize my changing body.

#WeightLoss #Unhealthy #bodydismorphia #Depression #DietChange #confused #stressed #supportsystem #ChronicIllness #gastrointestinal #Vent



I have the tools & #Mindfulness to know how to get better. I have chores I need to do, I haven’t eaten yet today. I know if I just do it, it won’t be so bad. Just do the laundry. Just do the dishes. Just make a simple meal. But I can’t. It’s like I’m fighting my ego constantly and I feel so weak, but I don’t care or I’m too lazy to change. Instead I want to do #Unhealthy #coping mechanisms like smoke weed and binge watch tv. It’s so frustrating living with myself.


How and I get out of my head?!

I can’t stop thinking about him! we broke up about two weeks ago and it had to end! The manipulation got so bad and he is married and 38 I’m 23 and he always told me he had an open relationship and even though things didn’t add up I believed him! I thought my cognitive dissidents wood heal after we broke up but it hasn’t. every time I have an uncomfortable or socially awkward interactions with people and whenever something is hard all I want to do is go to him! he helped me feel so good in the moment! #Autism #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #Unhealthy #Relationships #verbalabuse



Dear Me,

Your super power is your ability to say, “no”; both peacefully and forcefully when necessary. If someone is offended by your “no”, it is not your problem. A healthy person respects the boundary the first time, and every time. An unhealthy person will become offended and then defensive. Sometimes their defense is in advocating for why you should not have your boundary. It’s an illusion that often seems more peaceful than it is intended to be. There is no respect in disrespect.

~ Love Always,
Respectfully Me

#boundaries #Respect #no #Unhealthy #Healthy #power


Just total garbage #Shame #Spiralling

Addition to my post-breakup insanity; I recently found out that my ex-fiancé will not have anything to do with me largely due to her brother

He told her that if she were to come back to me, she would then lose her niece.

Now not only do I feel like a piece of shit for hurting her and lying to her and exhibiting every symptom of my downward spiral... but I also feel like an even larger piece of shit for begging her to come back to me, begging her to take me back... even if she did want to come back, how could she?

If she did want me... my own existence is making her life so much harder. Even if she doesn’t want me, I’ve made it harder for her.

Why am I even here? Why do I breathe? #useless #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Spiralling #Unhealthy #Selfharm


Fighting the urge to allow certain ppl back into my life

I’ve fought hard to remove certain ppl from my life due to their negativity and using mentality. It was so hard to do in the first place, like to of killed me. Now, I feel so isolated and now I have this intense urge to contact them to see how they are doing. But, Ik if I do they will use it as a gateway back into my life and I’m not sure if that’s such a great thing for me. But, I feel like I “need” them, negative or not. I don’t have any kind of support system really... and it affects me everyday. But I try to remind myself why I separated from them to begin with but my mind is messing with me about it. It’s so hard to feel soo attached to ppl and like you can’t really let go. Even tho you know you need to do this for your own sake. I hate living like this, always second guessing every action I take. It’s like there is nothing concrete with me... it always changing. I just want to make a choice and be able to stand by it without my emotions controlling so much of my decision making process. Just really leaves you confused and uncertain of everything. #Emotionalconfusion #Unhealthy attachment #borderlinepersonality