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I feel like I'm going in circles and the worst part is that it's all invisible to the outside world

!!!TW!!! [Trigger Warning]: homicidal thoughts, animal abuse (!!childhood only and it was one incident!!), for pretty f*cked up things that happened in my childhood, and some that happen still. I'm sorry.

This will be a very long post, so feel free to skip it if you feel like it. I just don't know where else to post this anymore. Or how to go about getting help when nobody listens to me.

I don't know where to start. I feel like this life has never been worth living, despite not having it as bad as many other people currently. Thing is, I always manage to slip back into certain patterns and loops, and I'm tired. It diminishes the quality of my life greatly, and because of that I'd like to get help. But the problem is, it's so hidden that nobody considers it a problem. Not my close circle, or my SO, or even the psychologist I go to. Regardless, I feel like I have to explain my situation first. I think it all stems from my childhood, and my psychologist claims PTSD, so even though I don't believe it's only that, that's why I'm posting on this mental health platform.

My upbringing was mostly stressful. My parents were mostly absent, so my grandmother had to raise me. My grandma was always mean, moody, bossy and hot-headed. Since she was stuck with raising a child she didn't want to care for, she pretty much gave up on me. Refused to talk to me or appease my curiosity just as well as she failed to nourish my interests, beat me up whenever I'd refuse to eat something she'd made (because her cooking was god-awful and always had to contain raw meat which I despised back then (possibly why she felt she had to include it every time)). Constantly devalued, insulted my intelligence or even just doubted my ability to function. There were multiple attempts at gaslighting me about things I attributed to myself, some worked, some I saw through. Neglected me a lot emotionally while being hot and cold. Sometimes, she would do a 180, like when I'd start having major tooth pain and she would suddenly sympathize with me and genuinely feel for for me and make me sliced toast.

I think this was the basis for many things I feel (and don't feel) in my life currently. I detached from most of what I feel, never ever felt affective empathy in my life but pretended to, so she failed to instill that in me too I suppose. I always felt that my real self is dangerous to expose, so I created a false self instead, and now maintain it to the best of my ability. If it collapses externally, I collapse internally, cue another loop.

I do everything for short-term pleasure. I still do. It sucks because I can't maintain my connections because I just genuinely don't care about any of these people that walk into my life. I never truly bonded with anyone or liked them unconditionally and I struggle with expressing that to the outside world because I don't want to be found out.

It'll go great at first, like I'll be super charismatic because I'm amazing at talking to strangers because I'm never myself because I don't HAVE a self except the controversial one that would drive everyone away and so I hide it and everything looks good, but once that initial interaction with them becomes constant, I start thinking now that I have to be in character and it just kinda spoils them for me, so I ghost them.

If I can't ghost them and I still need to be in contact for whatever reason, and I'd witness the person does something that is a trigger to me - so whenever I'd perceive somebody think lowly of me, whether it'd be by underestimating me, taking me for granted, thinking I'm stupid, thinking they're better than me or more aware than me, misunderstanding me, misunderstanding the POINT of me or just plain not noticing me for a skill they'd normally notice in other people, I'd get these intense homicidal urges to just jump them because I'd start thinking that because they think that of me, they must be really self-absorbed (projection?) and because of that, "worthless" to me, and no longer deserved the time I attributed to the activity I was previously trying to make work with them. The same would happen if they started taking me for granted or just being arrogant for no reason, or they didn't and obviously still cared about me but in my head I perceived them to think of me as stupid.

Naturally I NEVER let anybody know about this, so nobody ever really suspected anything.

But it's still always a really miserable experience for me. I can't describe why it is, because I mostly don't feel anything during those times, so why should it be? But it's either an extremely good feeling in the form of a social high, or indifference, or this extremely unbearable feeling of indifference and alienation at the same time that more often that not makes me collapse and I have to excuse myself so nobody sees. Like I'll be socializing with them and suddenly I'll just feel alienated from them because they'll never understand me, they'll never see me in full authenticity, not because I oscillate between not wanting them to + exposing myself in full glory to get short-term satisfaction feelings (though that plays a part), but because they just have to BELIEVE that I'm this person my false self claims to be. They refuse to believe I could truly just not care about them unless they are beneficial to me in any way, they refuse to believe I could feel zero empathy because I always hide those things from them. It kills me inside because I want to be authentic with the world, but I can't because my authenticity would spell disaster for other people, on top of myself.

It also really doesn't help that I don't look threatening. I'm a woman, average height, with a ditzy persona. I have a sense of personal style which is quite eclectic, and all of this makes people open up to me naturally and in their mind we are great friends. When really it takes just one thing for me to go from indifference to despising them with all of my being to the point that I just want to strangle them for perceiving even once that they are thinking of me badly. But I still mask all of this, so like I stated multiple times in this post, nobody knows about this. End result, I come off completely unbothered and probably just like I have depression because I tend to cry really easily with anything (apathy, sadness, happiness, anger, jealousy, blinding rage....).

Or maybe they are just being ignorant of me because what do you mean I throw a family cat into the pool and nobody cares. Or my cousin into a nearby nettle field because I was jealous that her birthday was being celebrated unlike mine and although my folks are pissed, they don't take it as a sign that something is wrong (even though I was literally 8 years old at the time). Or I fully confess to the fact that I never felt empathy MULTIPLE TIMES, but just because I look like I do and I have a shit ton of cognitive empathy, everybody thinks I'm bluffing or delusional.

Fast forward to now and I just realize I genuinely despise most people I know. I'm extremely hyper aware about everything I do and it sucks, because I'm effectively a nobody in the end but nobody will ever know that, or even affirm that, because it looks different to the outside world. I'm selfish as fuck, but that's not me just being humble or depressed or anything, it's just genuine self-awareness. But I'll never get that confirmed. Not until I actually DO something that will warrant people to think I am the way I am. I don't want it to get to that point. I know exactly what kind of problem I have, but nobody wants to acknowledge that I do have it, and it's driving me insane. Please help me.

edit: grammar

#CPTSD #MentalHealth #Trauma #help #EmotionalNeglect #noempathy

(edited)
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What do I do…?? | TW mentions of stress dreams and one swear

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Ever since the middle of last month, I’ve been having stress dreams pretty much everyday. It used to be just around twice a week… why? I hate this so much. I want it to be back to normal. It’s now pissing me off.

Is it just thanks to the crapload of stressors I’ve had? Of course it is, it has to be. The traumatic flashbacks, the interrupted routines, being done with Amazon, the news about Target and (I think) Dollar General (and yes, even though Target did apologize, as a minority I cannot fully trust them anymore until I see loads of genuine improvement moving forward), summer’s existence (I hate summer)…. even when I’m no longer stressed by these things at times, even when days were great, I’m still having stress dreams everyday…

I even had such a great birthday unexpectedly last month. All of this now just seems like a very rude awakening. I wish I’ve never turned another age…. 🙁

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Autistic #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #StressDreams #help #overstimulated #TickedOff #triggerwarning

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My Husband is letting depression win.

This year, literally the past six months, it seems like my husband is letting his depression win. He’s always upset, angry and/or depressed. There’s always a trigger that sends him into a negative thought loop, but the thoughts that seem to keep popping up is that he’s lonely and it’s all his fault, and that he’s never going to amount to anything because he doesn’t earn enough money. He upset about not having friends to hang out with, yet he won’t try to stay committed to anyone long enough to gain a friendship. He’s upset about not being able to afford everything his heart desires because his job won’t pay him enough money. Then he cites both of these things as being reasons as to why this life isn’t worth living. He gets livid and irate. He ends up mad at every little thing. I don’t know what else to do. He’s gone to therapy for years. He refuses to go on medication unless it’s the medicine he wants. I’ve tried my hardest to be supportive and to be there for him, but I really just don’t know what to do. He’s fine for one week then the next he’s mad at the world or himself. It’s a constant vicious cycle. I love him, but I’m exhausted and at my wits end. #Depression #exhausted #help
Update: He just wants to sleep all the time now. I’ve never seen him get this bad. I don’t know what to do.

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Healing

I really wanna share my healing process which i truly need advices and friends , real supportive companions through the journey so we won't all feel drained by our own self discovery and healing .. if anyone support me in such idea please comment here ! 🙏🏻🙏🏻 #Anxiety #MentalHealth #PTSD #Healing #help #CheerMeOn

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What is this?

The short summary is, January 19th I got choked on food and I ended up getting dysphagia from it and couldn’t swallow anything for weeks. I ate pudding and apple sauce, eventually I ended up passing out February 2nd, my first time ever passing out. They said it was just panic attacks and syncope and not a issue, so they sent me home but my blood pressure was terrible my boyfriend was leaving to go to bootcamp too so that was stress added onto it. February 20th around that I had a doctor appointment with a gynecologist and she told me my iron was low and my b12 was high which made no sense cause I wasn’t eating but 100-200 calories a day if that. But I eventually was able to eat, and slowly felt kind of better but not fully. I had issues of being fatigued, and tired even though I got 8 hours of sleep. It’s tmi but my last cycle was watery and light and wasn’t normal compared to how they usually are. I felt terrible on it, short of breath, weak, fatigued, blurry vision, it was bad. However I’ve had issues when I’m eating, everything will start going black and I struggle to breathe and it feels like my heart stops for a second, then it starts racing and I panic, which makes it worse, I feel like I’m going to pass out during that, my head feels weird too. That’s what happened again earlier today, but yesterday at work I was standing there ringing up a customer and everything started going black and I almost passed out then too. I’m just scared. I’ve never dealt with anything like this before. I was told I have insulin resistance PCOS and may be iron deficient from my doctor and maybe anemic, I’m waiting on blood results to come back but is this a blood sugar issue or is it something else. Please help.#Anemia #anemic #iron #IronDeficiency #insulin #PCOS #irondeficient #help #question

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Health anxiety

This is really kicking me from behind this condition if it’s not one thing it’s another I’m afraid of all the time I can’t escape it’s like mirrors and smoke or a maze I’m stuck in I can’t see a way out it’s consuming me #HealthAnxiety #help #MentalHealth #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #needsomeonetotalktoo

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See full photo

Is this normal?

I don’t know how to feel again
My partner and I went out last night
First of all before even going out he had a bpd moment and shut me out
Still at his parents house so he was in his room and asked me to leave so I just waited in the kitchen
It’s very uncomfortable getting into arguments at my inlaws because when he needs space
I’m unsure where to go
I did come in the room to ask him if he still wanted to go out and he was sleeping
I assume we weren’t anymore
I was okay with that
But then he wakes up and tells me to finish getting ready

Then I ask him about rent and i tell him i have 800 so basically my half
He only sends me 600 so we’re missing almost 500

That day i tried to go to a consignment shop to sell some of my clothes
Because one thing about me
I really hate asking for money but sometimes i have to
I just try to avoid it

But i guess he spoke to his mom while i was getting ready about not being financially secure
The two of us
I hear his mom crying and my partner calls me into the kitchen
She says she wants to help us which is so sweet
My partner also tells me that him and I can move to his parents house and leave where we are living now
But obviously I’m not comfortable with that

I don’t even know where or what to do at my inlaws when my partner is split or arguing with me
Which is multiple times a day

I’ve always been moved out of my own family house since 2019 and my partner has never really lived outside of his family house
Maybe 6 months with an ex in 2023 and 5 months so far ish with me

So I’m very much used to my own space and not having to think about being considerate to anyone else in the house
Meaning family dynamics

Anyways we leave for this party and I ask him if he remembers the text conversation when he said he’ll have 900 for rent

He said yes
I said i budgeted to make sure I’d have the rest of what we would need for rent based off him saying what he’d been paying
He also makes a lot more money than me
I was told that was an irresponsible way for me to budget.

Eventually we make it to our friends house and it was really nice seeing them really nice being out with my partner

But throughout the night i’m noticing he’s making an inappropriate amount of comments and joking around and saying he’s single or just talking about exs and whatnot

We then go to a club
Something I was not even aware of
I don’t think either of us did
But it’s our friend’s birthday and we were all drunk and celebrating

At this club he keeps telling me he’s noticing attractive people checking him
Which is fine because it happens to me too but why are you constantly telling me

and in front of our friends our coupled up friends
It was embarrassing having them hear my partner talk about other attractive people

Like my friends are so in love it’s just eyes for each other
I am also like that
If you’re in a relationship with me it’s just you and me I don’t even have the thought to notice if I’m noticed
My attention is on my person and the vibes around

So I’m feeling pretty down
Self esteem is low
Anxiety about rent
Have to try to get through the day
Even though I so badly want to not be on earth

#Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #20s #Anxiety #whatdoido #help #Relationships

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why always me?

hey everyone....rn im filled with suicidal thoughts once again cant understand how to overcome those memories which i dont deserve. even this thing has made my immune health weak....so i was that girl whom ever1 saw as a bully puppet, in the 12 yrs of my whole lyf where children play with their frnds celebrate their bdays with their frnds meanwhile me who've spent her whole lyf sitting by herself at the last desk just bcz nobody wanted to sit with me, my daily routine upto 12th was reached the classroom, sat ony my desk nd keeping a hope that sm1 will sit with me, but my mates would have already made plans to not to sith with me even if theres any emergency then they would put the bag b/w us so that they couldnt touched with me accidentally. nd at the lunch tym....ive eaten my breakfast by myself by looking out of the windows where my classmates play. and after 6hrs of crying internally in the skul when i came back home....the homies had such a beautiful rltn that ive never witnessed how it is feel to have those parents who love each other. till the nyt the whole house witnessed only rage,anger and crying voice as i m the youngest nd non manipulative person....so i was the target to beat the crap outta me as i wasnt an idle daughter who doesnt obey their narcissistic behaviour.

came to the clg....same thing happened here....as i live in the hostel so ive tried to be with every single person in a hope that sm1 will be my frnd but my luck had other plans haha. i didnt 9 this thing until 2nd yr that with whom im living.....they do backbiting passing racial slurs about me same as the skul as per my physique. im still a human how much can i pretend smtyms i cant ctrl my emotions nd starts weeping. then i met my bf....though he had similar childhood too so i thought that finally ive got sm1 bt silly me i 4got that every1 leaves me after 1 or less than 1 year lol.....our rltn was going healthy but since 2024, idk why bt he started being more bz as he is top notch businessman....even ive halt some events just to be with him but its been 11 months now i cant beg anymore abt sm1s attention or tym.....as couples spend tym with each other nd its a common thing ryt, meanwhile i would have to say multiple tyms literally like come come or else im coming to u blah blah but upto when.....even last month ive cried like a mad for the first tym in front of him bt i think he didnt care abt that situation like why did i cry.....is it bcz i wanted a quality tym with him? is it wrong? my colleagues r so much selfish that they literally live on their money not on their parents.....nd i didnt do this lowly thing with him. but ig todays boys love a girl with slefish nature who will destroy them......

so on the day of breakup i was soo fed up to beg abt the tym so what i did was i just copied nd pasted his dialogue on him that im bz i cant be with u.....if it was other way around then i would ask literally infinte tyms as i was always do....bt wht i get in response was OKAY BYE!

i mean what.....ive literally did every single thing to be with him meanwhile he literally didnt ask me why or why not i mean when ppl do this to me its okay for them bt when i did the same......im a bad person? im bad bcz i want every1s well being? or bcz i want sm attention that i didnt get? wht i know is....im too a human not an animal🥲 #help #Trauma

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am i enough?

hey everyone....rn im filled with suicidal thoughts once again cant understand how to overcome those memories which i dont deserve. even this thing has made my immune health weak....so i was that girl whom ever1 saw as a bully puppet, in the 12 yrs of my whole lyf where children play with their frnds celebrate their bdays with their frnds meanwhile me who've spent her whole lyf sitting by herself at the last desk just bcz nobody wanted to sit with me, my daily routine upto 12th was reached the classroom, sat ony my desk nd keeping a hope that sm1 will sit with me, but my mates would have already made plans to not to sith with me even if theres any emergency then they would put the bag b/w us so that they couldnt touched with me accidentally. nd at the lunch tym....ive eaten my breakfast by myself by looking out of the windows where my classmates play. and after 6hrs of crying internally in the skul when i came back home....the homies had such a beautiful rltn that ive never witnessed how it is feel to have those parents who love each other. till the nyt the whole house witnessed only rage,anger and crying voice as i m the youngest nd non manipulative person....so i was the target to beat the crap outta me as i wasnt an idle daughter who doesnt obey their narcissistic behaviour.

came to the clg....same thing happened here....as i live in the hostel so ive tried to be with every single person in a hope that sm1 will be my frnd but my luck had other plans haha. i didnt 9 this thing until 2nd yr that with whom im living.....they do backbiting passing racial slurs about me same as the skul as per my physique. im still a human how much can i pretend smtyms i cant ctrl my emotions nd starts weeping. then i met my bf....though he had similar childhood too so i thought that finally ive got sm1 bt silly me i 4got that every1 leaves me after 1 or less than 1 year lol.....our rltn was going healthy but since 2024, idk why bt he started being more bz as he is top notch businessman....even ive halt some events just to be with him but its been 11 months now i cant beg anymore abt sm1s attention or tym.....as couples spend tym with each other nd its a common thing ryt, meanwhile i would have to say multiple tyms literally like come come or else im coming to u blah blah but upto when.....even last month ive cried like a mad for the first tym in front of him bt i think he didnt care abt that situation like why did i cry.....is it bcz i wanted a quality tym with him? is it wrong? my colleagues r so much selfish that they literally live on their money not on their parents.....nd i didnt do this lowly thing with him. but ig todays boys love a girl with slefish nature who will destroy them......

so on the day of breakup i was soo fed up to beg abt the tym so what i did was i just copied nd pasted his dialogue on him that im bz i cant be with u.....if it was other way around then i would ask literally infinte tyms as i was always do....bt wht i get in response was OKAY BYE!

i mean what.....ive literally did every single thing to be with him meanwhile he literally didnt ask me why or why not i mean when ppl do this to me its okay for them bt when i did the same......im a bad person? im bad bcz i want every1s well being? or bcz i want sm attention that i didnt get? wht i know is....im too a human not an animal🥲

ps - english isnt my first language #help #Advice #Trauma

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Loosing my FP #BPD #Fp #Loss #Splitting #help

Can anyone help with the process of loosing your FP? I have finally split enough on my partner that he is leaving me. And I know he needs to but I feel like I am dying. I used to be a strong independent woman but after he moved in I progressively made this person my entire world. It has been 6 years of essentially verbal abusing him and I only recently discovered why. I didn't know about FPs and I didn't know about splitting. Now that I do know and I am seeking help, it is too late. He has already decided its not worth staying to work through. That kills me. The fact that he is leaving with all the scars I've made fills me with so much regret I feel like my body is going to explode. He has quit his job and will be moving 16 hours away in less than a week but I need help to get through the week. It is happening and there is nothing I can do or say to stop him.
I have been told that the future is a future my BPD mind has made up and that I'm just loosing an idea that my brain created. That isn't the truth though. I am actually loosing this person. He will not be here when I go to sleep or wake up or walk in the door after work anymore. There will be no more concerts or dinners. A scenario of the future may be gone but so is the actual person. I don't know how to handle this gracefully. Please help.

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