If y'all have seen any of my posts, you know some of my ups and downs. I know I haven't been as active, but that's because I've had a LOT of mental legwork to do. Ain't nothing wrong with taking care of your needs! So, I did 😊
Made a post on facebook this morning and thought maybe it might #help someone out there. Either way, posting this to look back on for myself isn't a bad thing either. With that being said, here is my post (also take note of the picture of me from 5 years ago to today. Just the difference in the smile is wild to me 💜:
BLANKET #triggerwarning :
I'm going to share a LOT in one post (especially for so very early 😅). It's going to get deep and it's going to get a bit long winded, but please stick with me and feel free to share. I'm making this public in hopes it might help someone, anyone, even if it's just my future self to remember. I'm also a pretty open book so feel free to ask questions of you'd like 💜 fr let's talk about it!
The "me" in the top photo is NOT the me I am today. Even looking at, to me at least, the difference is striking. If only I could have known just how far I'd be, just mentally, that I'd be, just to let me know I'd be more okay than I could have EVER hoped to be just 5 years later. At the time, 5 years would have felt like forever to the me who couldn't see past moment by moment.
To the me then:
Oh, how I wish I could have assured me that I'd one day have an ounce of love for myself. How the situations I was in wouldn't last forever and that sooner than later, I'd actually be happy with the life within me. That one day, the heavy cloud over my head would dissipate. That one day, all the "faking it till I make it" wouldn't have to be faked anymore. All of the med changes, mental hospital stays, moving, losing my tangible things, losing sight of myself, would one day bring me to actual peace, happiness, protection of my peace, understanding of self. I'd tell me then just how proud of me I am for doing anything and everything to be honest with my support system the best i could so that I could make it another minute, hour, day, because all of the just "surviving" the moment to moment would lead me to today. That, no matter how you quantify or measure the distance of a single step forward, that moving forward is still progress. I'd let me know that one day, I'd look at myself more kindness and love than I ever have and that one day I'd learn just ow valuable my peace is and how one day I'd actually take steps to protect it and that boundaries aren't as scary as I thought they once were.
Oh, little me, how I'd love to let you know so much. There's so much I wish I didn't go through, if for no other reason than because now I know that I made a lot of lessons a lot harder than they had to be. That one day I'd be writing a post about me with the kindness, understanding, and compassion that I've spent so long giving to others.
I think I would have laughed. I wouldn't have believed it. Even if I could have stood in front of myself like a mirror reflection come to life, the me who couldn't see a future, who thought I wouldn't be alive to have any of what I have now (mentally, physically or otherwise), wouldn't know what to do with the information I have today.
And that's okay.
Oh little me, I'm so proud that we lived to see another day. This day. Because it's all we ever wanted and hoped we could get to.
Bad days will come. Ups and downs happen, I know. However, may the me I am today never forget the me I was, lest I lose the raw appreciation for just how far I've came.
FOR ANYONE WHO MADE IT THIS FAR IN MY POST: please know, as long as there is breath within you. As long as you're here to see tomorrow, there's always hope for an even better day after. In spite of the hiccups, the unfortunate, the unforseen and unplanned, there is always room for a better tomorrow....but ya gotta be here for it to see it 💜 PLEASE NEVER BE AFRAID TO BE HONEST WITH YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM!!!!! THIS INCLUDES YOUR DR/THERAPIST/COUNSELOR!!! I used to be terrified to until I realized that you can not be involuntary committed unless you are actively planning to hurt yourself or someone else! Please, don't be so afraid that you don't get the help you know you may need.
-2x in a mental hospital voluntary committed
-years of therapy
-years of med changes till where I think we finally got it the closest to right I've EVER been
-dv/sa survivor
-"sewer slider" attempt/and ideation survivor
There is hope
Ya just have to be here to see all the hard leg work you've done, even if it does take years.
Remember, a painting up close seems chaotic. Every brush stroke looks imperfect and messy, but a step or so back, when you're actually able to look at the bigger picture more and more, I promise it's so beautiful and so very worth it. 💜
You're gonna wanna be here for this 💜
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW NEEDS HELP OR IS IN CRISIS:
The previous 988 Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or crisis.
The 988 Lifeline’s network of over 200 crisis centers has been in operation since 2005 and has been proven to be effective. Trained crisis counselors listen, provide support, and connect callers to resources when appropriate.
Callers who follow the “press 1” prompt are connected to the Veterans Crisis Line. A Spanish Language line is available by pressing 2, and more than 240 languages are supported through a Tele-Interpreters service. Callers now also have the option of following a “press 3” prompt to be connected to a crisiS counselor specifically trained in supporting LGBTQI+ callers.
FOR MORE INFORMATION: The Lifeline and 988
#MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #Anxiety #Depression #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Selfharm #Addiction #Loneliness
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