hide

On a bright day, hand in hand with my possible savior, or the very start of my demise.

I see structures and symbols coming from the ground, majestic and beautiful, the sun shining through in all its might, but the further we go, the more peaceful and serene it seems.

Water flowing through a creek, gardens blossoming everywhere the eye can see.

My guests have no face, no body, merely presence as they lead me through, teaching me things, learning as I investigate my surroundings.

Deeper down I realize there’s a cemetery, no gravestones but there are people buried among the beauty of nature.

It’s when I hear the words whisper of a murder, my head pointed towards a direction of bushes that were red in color, growing over the identifying marks of the naked body, posed in such a form her modesty is barely maintained, the garden cradling her.

“She was murdered here, left alone amongst the land.”

Her skin cold, pale gray, almost the color of stone. It’s as if a hand reaches out to bring me closer to see, to investigate but I pull back and leave, disappearing into my next dream.

When I wake I research and write, ask the questions I feel I know the answers to already.

The dove and the serpent, crossing paths, waiting to see what I would choose.

What if that woman was me?

What if I peeled back the brush, the flowers and vines only to reveal my face, that child that was left behind, the woman that never got a chance to be.

What if it’s a trap?

What if I’m there to take her place?

To be killed and stuck in a vulnerable position, unable to speak any longer, unable to fight, unable to ponder.

I am left with a choice now that I am awake, now that I can think about it.

I can choose the path of the woman, lie on the ground and let the garden grow over me or be gentle as the dove, the lamb, putting my story and my faith out there.

‘Those who have ears let them hear.’

She will be silent no longer.

A warrior formed at the youngest of ages, realizing that her potentials been buried beneath that garden all along.

I have the faith, his strength, the heart of a lion but I walk amongst you a lamb, learning HIS ways.

Riding the camel back to ‘Egypt’ with my life before playing in front of me.

I will not bury this talent, I will not hide this mite. The story I have inside of me matters and it will be heard- I will make it on God’s good word.

#dreamstory #symbolism #fakeeden #Garden #womaninred #doveorserpent #holdtheswordproudly #hide #warrior #cancersurvivorstories #ADHD #CPTSD #scared #healingthroughwriting #cancersurvivorstories #Thoughts #personal

Even on a nice peaceful Sunday it strikes me without warning. The fast heart rate, cold sweat and heavy breathing…. Anxiety attack for no apparent reason. Wtf? What’s that all about, trying to distance myself from it with work but it’s futile.
I cannot let my kids see me like this under any curcumstances, I need to keep up perception of strong man, but who am I kidding…..

Today I found a wonderful hide away, I went to the cemetery where my parents are laid to rest & found peace, Peace in the way I haven’t before.
What I mean I usually go to the beach for time out, but I for time out but always felt like I was getting judged by people.
Going to the cemetery made me feel I wasn’t being judged, there were people there feeling like I was, sad by loosing their loved one.
So I feel this is going to be my #hide away from now on.

2020 has been one hell of a year… Can I hide for the rest of it? #2020 #hide #hell #Imsodone

Ahh I’m #nervous this is my first post.... ok ahh., soo I have so many ppl pulling me in different directions... and I’m afraid if I don’t do them, I’ll lose them.
At the same time, I feel OVERWHELMED & smothered. I have my boyfriend whom wants me to move back to NY *but* my grandma is old and needs me, he is saying if I don’t come tomorrow he’s afraid he will hate me..🤔
I have been avoiding him, and he’s getting mad.
I am a streamer and a #gamer , I love rpgs and fantasy- I love lore— the one other person I talk to other than my bf is this person and I’ve known them along time... but they only want me to play their games and I know this sounds SO LAME- and it probably is,
I isolate and am in my room, #Reading, #Writing #Gaming or doing something else - all my #Relationships are LDR at the moment.
All my life, really. I’ve been tossed around so much I grew up on webcam with 3 friends and we go through rotations where we talk and don’t talk- this is a don’t talk period. Though one is trying to ; I can’t... yet
Point is , my camera is in all the time. Be it streaming or with 1 of 2 people. I begin to vanish without ... it if that makes sense...
My question is,
Is it wrong for me to be tired of doing what everyone else wants me to do? Even something dumb as playing a game, why can’t we play what we each want & just talk ? Why am I bad because I don’t want to want to race cars 😒
And is it wrong to hope that my bf would understand ? If I go visit coming back would be a threat with #COVID19 as my grandma is 82... nyc is hit hard and she has no one but me, no family will come around I mean; he says she’s abusing me- either way, I think it’s wrong to just abandon her.
I was going to go & quartine (spelling) when I come back but that may not be good enough... or what if gods forbid she goes back into the hospital ? They surely wouldn’t let me see her right away...
But when I had planned to go, I asked if he could at least call the taxi and he wouldn’t., I have a huge fear of phones, some days, and I can’t use it...
He’s an amazing man, he wants to take care of me for “the rest of our lives” and is truly good to me- unless he doesn’t get what he wants? My friend she thinks he is a sociopath and we stopped talking but hopefully will start again soon.

Am I truly doing all the wrong? I know I am stupid and fail but... am I being unreasonable in just wanting to #hide ?
I’m sorry I hope I didn’t waste anyone time... thank u if u read , I apologize ...