hide

Even on a nice peaceful Sunday it strikes me without warning. The fast heart rate, cold sweat and heavy breathing…. Anxiety attack for no apparent reason. Wtf? What’s that all about, trying to distance myself from it with work but it’s futile.
I cannot let my kids see me like this under any curcumstances, I need to keep up perception of strong man, but who am I kidding…..

Today I found a wonderful hide away, I went to the cemetery where my parents are laid to rest & found peace, Peace in the way I haven’t before.
What I mean I usually go to the beach for time out, but I for time out but always felt like I was getting judged by people.
Going to the cemetery made me feel I wasn’t being judged, there were people there feeling like I was, sad by loosing their loved one.
So I feel this is going to be my #hide away from now on.

2020 has been one hell of a year… Can I hide for the rest of it? #2020 #hide #hell #Imsodone

Ahh I’m #nervous this is my first post.... ok ahh., soo I have so many ppl pulling me in different directions... and I’m afraid if I don’t do them, I’ll lose them.
At the same time, I feel OVERWHELMED & smothered. I have my boyfriend whom wants me to move back to NY *but* my grandma is old and needs me, he is saying if I don’t come tomorrow he’s afraid he will hate me..🤔
I have been avoiding him, and he’s getting mad.
I am a streamer and a #gamer , I love rpgs and fantasy- I love lore— the one other person I talk to other than my bf is this person and I’ve known them along time... but they only want me to play their games and I know this sounds SO LAME- and it probably is,
I isolate and am in my room, #Reading, #Writing #Gaming or doing something else - all my #Relationships are LDR at the moment.
All my life, really. I’ve been tossed around so much I grew up on webcam with 3 friends and we go through rotations where we talk and don’t talk- this is a don’t talk period. Though one is trying to ; I can’t... yet
Point is , my camera is in all the time. Be it streaming or with 1 of 2 people. I begin to vanish without ... it if that makes sense...
My question is,
Is it wrong for me to be tired of doing what everyone else wants me to do? Even something dumb as playing a game, why can’t we play what we each want & just talk ? Why am I bad because I don’t want to want to race cars 😒
And is it wrong to hope that my bf would understand ? If I go visit coming back would be a threat with #COVID19 as my grandma is 82... nyc is hit hard and she has no one but me, no family will come around I mean; he says she’s abusing me- either way, I think it’s wrong to just abandon her.
I was going to go & quartine (spelling) when I come back but that may not be good enough... or what if gods forbid she goes back into the hospital ? They surely wouldn’t let me see her right away...
But when I had planned to go, I asked if he could at least call the taxi and he wouldn’t., I have a huge fear of phones, some days, and I can’t use it...
He’s an amazing man, he wants to take care of me for “the rest of our lives” and is truly good to me- unless he doesn’t get what he wants? My friend she thinks he is a sociopath and we stopped talking but hopefully will start again soon.

Am I truly doing all the wrong? I know I am stupid and fail but... am I being unreasonable in just wanting to #hide ?
I’m sorry I hope I didn’t waste anyone time... thank u if u read , I apologize ...