My mom is extremely judgemental and hyper critical of me. We talked on the phone today and I was telling her about how I cleaned my apartment over the last two days... Then she said "so your caseworkers saw your messy apartment?" And I was not going down that rabbit hole. I said "we're not having that conversation. Let's talk about hot dog condiments instead" and she said ok . I usually hang up on her when she becomes a royal pain but I decided to try to steer the conversation in a healthy direction this time. She talks about how perfect my younger sisters are, their jobs, their kids, their husband. And then she shreds me.
I have tried explaining to her about my disorders but she thinks I'm lazy and need a hobby. She's old and set in her way and I have to remember I can continue to live my life without her in the way cuz she doesn't want to see me.. the last time I saw her was 6 years ago. And that was the only time I saw her in the last 14 years..
I am her dirty secret, she doesn't tell anyone that I'm trans, not even my uncle who I told this year and he responded with calling me by my chosen name, which my mom won't do . I've been out of the closet for 14 years now. I haven't used my legal name in 12 years. It boggles my mind. She has talked about Caitlin Jenner and used female pronouns and used her chosen name but she won't do that for me.
My mom is difficult to handle sometimes but I do love her even if she doesn't respect me. I just got to live authentically and do my best despite my mom being the way she is. I'm a good boy. Not the best but I'm good enough.
I'm actually out of the closet as a leather puppy to her. A few years ago she bought me my first puppy hood. I was in a puppy competition and had to give a 2 minutes long speech and she let me practice it over the phone with her. She was very supportive. She says it's weird but she knows I'm happy and have always had a very strong imagination. It's not hurting anyone or anything and it's a release for me and brings me joy. She just says I spend too much money on puppy gear. I am going to try to get a leather vest and custom back patch this Christmas. Then I'll be set.
I'm not perfect. I'm weird. But I'm a lovable weirdo.
Reading through just a few posts and I already feel like I don’t belong.. a lot of people on here are dealing with something physically painful or just bad stuff and all I’m feeling is down, sad, whatever.. taking life for granted.. wallowing in self pity.. I’m sorry guys
So, I have quite a few chronic health conditions, but the two that give me the most pain are Ehler's Danlos Syndrome and Interstitial Cystitis.
As a result of this, I live in pain every day of my life. But I have good days and bad days. I have flares.
Today, strangely, is a very good pain day. It's nowhere near as far as it usually is. If I were to put it on a scale with one being the lowest and ten being the absolute worst... I'd give it a 3. On the average day, I tend to be around 5 or 6. So being feeling like a 3 is... Weird.
I'm so used to the level of pain I'm usually at. But today I feel so strange. It feels like something isn't quite right and it honestly makes me feel very nervous. And I have no idea why. I feel ridiculous.
Does anyone else feel like this when their pain is better than usual? I feel like an idiot.
#chronicillnesswarrior #ChronicPain #POTS #EDS #EhlersDanlos #posturalorthostatictachycardia #InterstitialCystitis #BladderPain #Jointpain #IBS #cramps #NAFLD #LiverDisease #Depression #Anxiety #BPD #Weird
This is exactly how I feel lately. I feel like I know nothing. I don’t know how to eat, how to sleep, how to live. And I also don’t know how to write essays, how to speak with other people and how to discuss simple things. I don’t think the same way as people around me do. I am not smart. I know nothing. I am stupid. It is pretty hard to admit that.
But so what. I can’t know everything, right? I can’t know even most of the existing knowledges, because there are so much to learn in planet Earth. I don’t have a wrong perspective, I have a different perspective. And it enriches the life around me (hopefully). This is the way of thinking, yes! I admit, that I know nothing and that knowledge sets me free.
Apologies for all the nonsense, I just wanted to write down my weird thoughts somewhere else than my journal 😊 there’s a huge fight between rationality and absurdness happening inside me right now. That’s the 50 shades of depression. #Depression #lost #stupid #Weird
Hello my friends. Yes... It is me again.
Today i had quit my job that I was hired at about a week ago. I barely could make it through my day yesterday evening. It was quite awful because of the fact that I had stayed late, and did not get to go to sleep until closer to midnight. I struggled because I had to take #Medicine for my #Insomnia . I know how much I have been struggling for years with this disorder. The job started out kind of fun, but was lacking proper training. I realized that most employees were new, and kind of just thrown into the mix of store operations. One of the managers had a #personality clash with me. She came off very harsh, and snippy which made me so #nervous . I was #Crying about it, and could not seem to get myself out of that #worry .
I read somewhere that those who have #BipolarDisorder also have a connection with #Insomnia . Some may have reason to believe that it has to deal with a wandering mind due to a hypomanic episode. Yet, I think they fail to understand that it is not always the reason why.
I have a serious case of #DeathAnxiety that does not seem to go away. It has gotten better since my father had passed away, as I feel a little more comfortable with the facts that this happens to us all. However, I am still struggling. Each day that passes is another day completed of my life and I do not know when God will call me home. There is this weird feeling that I get in my chest that creates this #Weird thought process. I feel this hallowed out sensation in my chest, and I also experience a feeling like I need to whine or cry or yell "I do not want to die." Sometimes I call out for my #Dad who is no longer with me. Therefore, I noiced I have reached out to my #mom a whole lot. I #cherish the time that I have to live.
If you have made it this far through this message, I thank you.
I really would love a #reply .
This is gonna sound weird, ever since my break down and stay in the hospital, I don’t like listening to music anymore and lately even podcasts aren’t holding my attention. Even being in the car having the radio on is uncomfortable.
It’s so odd, it does bother me but only recently and honestly it only becomes a building panic in the car with others when I feel like I can’t ask to turn the radio down or even off.
I know scent can bring back distinctive memories I’m starting to question if sound can also do that too.
So, I woke up this morning and saw that one of my alters (I suspect who it was, but I’m not sure) decided you rent “Hannibal” on YouTube. I went to my YouTube app to watch some videos and saw I was halfway through the video. 😂😂😂 My alters seem to come out more when I’m intoxicated (which I was after a couple of bourbon and Cokes 😂), or when I’m tired (which, I was, seeing as it was about 5am when I was trying to get some sleep). I never know what they’ll pull and it makes life a little more fun and interesting (when the alters are not being cruel and insulting). Looks like I’m starting my day with “Hannibal”. 😂😂😂 Anyone have any alters do something weird or crazy like that? #DID #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #Weird #Wacky #WhatWillTheyThinkOfNext ? #alters #Dissociating
I want to be left alone
It's all I ask for to have peace of mind
You've hurt me in so many ways than one
Your questionable interference has ruind my social life beyond measure
I lost all the people I could ever call friends
You thought you helped me
But you rather ruined me
You weren't pleased with the already wrecked-havoc
So you went the extra length
You slowly but dutifully ruined my self confidence
You filled my mind with worthlessness and self-doubt
You reminded me constantly through your every action that I was never enough
No matter how hard I tried to please you; I was still dimmed useless
You deem me responsible for everything even when I'm faultless
You don't trust me; you painted me a liar
You made me feel guilty of offences I did not commit
You vented your anger and frustration on me without cause
You showed and told me to my face how much you hated me
So much for the prayers
So much for the money
What more awaits me
I, myself, am anxious to know
You question my behavior and manner of communication
Knowing full well that you are the reason behind it
I'm now immune to your verbal abuse
You've done enough damage than could ever have been done
I hope that one day you derive maximum satisfaction
But I promise I'll br far away from you