I have lived moments that I thought I was going to die from mental, physical, psychotic induced pain. That would have been such a fast death. But now a transition has occurred; I feel as if death is slowly chasing me, purposely chasing me with a safe distance so that way I can experience each layer of pain in an infinite loop. I have all of these criteria to make life worth living with success, and am always helping others before myself. I am mostly responsible with treatment, but of course hallucinations slip by, as well as other symptoms. I teach special education and am mostly successful, with room for human error, with growth mindset.
But now I am stuck. I am stuck between an intense feeling of worthlessness and feeling so lost that I cannot function. Hallucinations that give me a map on how to physically harm myself test me, and I’m not as strong as I used to be. Rage peaks through, hurting those around me, even with an apology after, which pains me. Or I spend countless nights without sleep, working on projects, feeling like my brain can’t stop. I usually have one meal, haven’t been exercising, drink a ton of water, and at least pretend to sleep. I’m breaking out on my face more than I ever have, gaining weight without any changes, minus me walking more.
Of course there is the great debate with nurture versus nature. My disorders float along nature. It’s just how my brain has been created. Sure, there are various treatments and coping skills, but with nature and outside factors/stressors, I can’t ever see positivity in my near or far feature, even though I believe it will appear one day.
For the nature aspect, this year has been very difficult. I am getting used to a new school and re-doing the program and am involved in leadership positions, so I feel a sense of self-worth, with the consequence of more responsibility and stress. I had a few friends, two were my best friends, friends across the country; and an improving relationship, mostly, wjth my family. I had the most beautiful, inside and out, smart, funny, charismatic boyfriend that was going to propose to me at Warped Tour (music was special to us). Well, my improving life suddenly stopped and turned towards the other way, with rapid speed.
My boyfriend, my best friend, almost fiancé, passed away. Long story short, bathroom floor, paramedics, hospitals, I’m extremely traumatized. Everything was fine that day. Until my world was shattered. I had never felt such pain before. It’s been 4 months, and I cry, write him letters, honor him through music and sports, and do my best to visit his mother. I’m more than empty and lost without him.
Somehow with events like this, strange things happen. I am now down to one friend. I don’t feel as if people can see me, can acknowledge my existence. I thought just the illnesses kicked people away. But I’m also a hell of a lot more under control than my early 20’s. What did I do wrong to make my world crumble, as now I am alone.
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