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Throwback reflection

There are times when what has been becomes suddenly much more real then usual.
Not as a flashback - they're definitely different - but more like a realization that what's in my memories, in my patterns, in my body and mind has really happened, some time ago in my life.

What surprises me the most is:
I'm not fine, even though I'm better than in previous months and years, but, the hell, compared to before it's like I'm in Heaven.

It doesn't bring me the positivity and mood switch I might expect, it weights the same, most of the times, but it surely helps me redimensioning the whole picture.
I'm grateful, overall, for one thing: now, when I have my crisis, they're still bad and, sometimes, worse than other times years ago, BUT they're crisis: they happen from time to time. (I'm not talking about being on low mood; to me, before, it was much more than that: tentacles slipping out of my head trying to choke me and smash anything inside and around me).
I can feel my mind clean, and, yup, I'm now crying, all of a sudden.

I'd never wanna go back to before.

A week ago I was writing a post I've never shared and, when recalling the bad effects the thing I was talking about had on me, I realized the list was very very long and very very painful and messy.
What makes it often difficult for me to comprehend my patterns and problems is that I tend to hide them, and then forget about them, over the years.

Thing is, there has been terror.
I don't wanna include the details, because I'm aware that for someone they could be not nice.

I shared this picture (search for Riftress on Pinterest, if you're interest - I really like these works) because it is one of the pics I saved back then.
Something have sucked up my own self from my life and I think it was the exhaustion from that period.

Crying helps me too.
If now I'm crying, it means it really has been hard.
Since I tend to hide and minimize, since people shared their issues with me and rarely listened to me, always ignored the signals I was pointing out and since things for me often changed - environmentally speaking - I tend to forget.
To me, now, it feels like I'm based on a void past.
It doesn't mean I'd wanna linger on it: just that in order to understand why I am the way I am today I need to recall.

Times like this one, though, makes me wanna go back that before and erase everything. Why it had to be so damageful.
Again, though, I tend to hide: none really witnessed in person any free expression of my mental state, so, then, it feel more righteous to minimize it. This confuses me.

Though I think it's not fair to compair: the same trauma can have different outcomes on different people; that's why I think crying is helpful -> it spots out the fact that what I'm feeling and thinking about - recalling - has really been a hardship for me.

But it seems impossible that all the dark lump has really left. Did it?
Instead of feeling and expressing itself in dark and full of --- ways*, my mind's just flat. That's the new pattern, I guess.
I've been backfired.
* I don't really feel at ease sharing details, again, but I don't know how to express it.

I still have issues to work on, sometimes - often - I just can take my mind anymore, I often have no energy to live my life, but sure it changed. Time heals.
And I've understood myself and other people better, in the meanwhile, which has been another fundamental turning point.
And I can't express how grateful I am whenever I get to become more aware then before. I love understanding.
So - I still can change and for the better.
There's and I have hope in it.

#Reflection #throwback #Trauma #Crisis #time #Understanding #past #Memory #Pain #cry #Life #mind #pattern #backfired #Healing #Awareness #HealingProcess #exhaustion #Monster #illness #MentalHealth #growing #growth #Present #Hope #change #Grief #Energy

22 reactions 5 comments

The monster in the box #Monster

I am the monster in the box, in this box so many years. My only sustenance was your pathetic tears.

as I grew in my little prison, you hammered in nails forged from your fears, what are you afraid of my dear?

You are as weak as the walls that cease to hold me, I’m am no longer a child you can scold
I am free , we are free

I am not the monster in the box


1 comment

Am I really the monster that I think I am? Lost, confused

It’s the beginning of the end. My marriage is breaking down at this very moment. Second time of infidelity. I don’t know what to feel or what to do. I want to try to save my marriage but I think it’s too late this time. Why do I always make horrible choices and ruin everything? Why?

I love my wife. She is an amazing woman. But she thinks that I don’t love her. How could I if I keep making horrible choices? She thinks that I’m just a cheater and nothing more and everything else is just fake and manipulation.

She thinks I cheat because of the excitement. I never feel any excitement when I make wrong choices. I think it’s more about self destruction. Hurt others before they hurt me. But my wife wasn’t hurting me. Why would I think that should would? Why do I always feel she will leave me whenever she is unhappy or having a bad day?

I want help. I need help. I want to be good. I need to be good. I don’t want to loose my wife.

I’m waiting for an appointment with a counselor and I’m also trying out BetterHelp. It’s so exhausting to have to think about who I am and to capture my thoughts.

From what I have read, I have 5 of the 9 criteria of BPD. But I have so many doubts. Maybe my wife is right and I am just a fake and a monster. I feel so empty and lost. I’m so exhausted. #BPD #Monster #empty