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A Letter To My Ex

I was planning to send this letter to my ex but everyone advised me against doing it. I'm sharing it maybe you help me get some insights how to get over this experience.#Relationships #breakup #past beyonddeaf-inition.blogspot.com/2024/03/a-letter-to-my-ex.html

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Throwback reflection

There are times when what has been becomes suddenly much more real then usual.
Not as a flashback - they're definitely different - but more like a realization that what's in my memories, in my patterns, in my body and mind has really happened, some time ago in my life.

What surprises me the most is:
I'm not fine, even though I'm better than in previous months and years, but, the hell, compared to before it's like I'm in Heaven.

It doesn't bring me the positivity and mood switch I might expect, it weights the same, most of the times, but it surely helps me redimensioning the whole picture.
I'm grateful, overall, for one thing: now, when I have my crisis, they're still bad and, sometimes, worse than other times years ago, BUT they're crisis: they happen from time to time. (I'm not talking about being on low mood; to me, before, it was much more than that: tentacles slipping out of my head trying to choke me and smash anything inside and around me).
I can feel my mind clean, and, yup, I'm now crying, all of a sudden.

I'd never wanna go back to before.

A week ago I was writing a post I've never shared and, when recalling the bad effects the thing I was talking about had on me, I realized the list was very very long and very very painful and messy.
What makes it often difficult for me to comprehend my patterns and problems is that I tend to hide them, and then forget about them, over the years.

Thing is, there has been terror.
I don't wanna include the details, because I'm aware that for someone they could be not nice.

I shared this picture (search for Riftress on Pinterest, if you're interest - I really like these works) because it is one of the pics I saved back then.
Something have sucked up my own self from my life and I think it was the exhaustion from that period.

Crying helps me too.
If now I'm crying, it means it really has been hard.
Since I tend to hide and minimize, since people shared their issues with me and rarely listened to me, always ignored the signals I was pointing out and since things for me often changed - environmentally speaking - I tend to forget.
To me, now, it feels like I'm based on a void past.
It doesn't mean I'd wanna linger on it: just that in order to understand why I am the way I am today I need to recall.

Times like this one, though, makes me wanna go back that before and erase everything. Why it had to be so damageful.
Again, though, I tend to hide: none really witnessed in person any free expression of my mental state, so, then, it feel more righteous to minimize it. This confuses me.

Though I think it's not fair to compair: the same trauma can have different outcomes on different people; that's why I think crying is helpful -> it spots out the fact that what I'm feeling and thinking about - recalling - has really been a hardship for me.

But it seems impossible that all the dark lump has really left. Did it?
Instead of feeling and expressing itself in dark and full of --- ways*, my mind's just flat. That's the new pattern, I guess.
I've been backfired.
* I don't really feel at ease sharing details, again, but I don't know how to express it.

I still have issues to work on, sometimes - often - I just can take my mind anymore, I often have no energy to live my life, but sure it changed. Time heals.
And I've understood myself and other people better, in the meanwhile, which has been another fundamental turning point.
And I can't express how grateful I am whenever I get to become more aware then before. I love understanding.
So - I still can change and for the better.
There's and I have hope in it.

#Reflection #throwback #Trauma #Crisis #time #Understanding #past #Memory #Pain #cry #Life #mind #pattern #backfired #Healing #Awareness #HealingProcess #exhaustion #Monster #illness #MentalHealth #growing #growth #Present #Hope #change #Grief #Energy

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creeps

Things could have turned out completely differently and this makes me so dizzy.

So many stuff my mind's showing me at the moment.

I am here by chance.

I did nothing to come here; just went with the flow; I built nothing to come where I am now.

If it wasn't for all the people I would have been still eleven.

I feel like my youth years just went without me really living them. Now I should be an adult, but I haven't lived what was supposed to come before (or - I lived it while being tossed around).

There's so many stuff I can't do now.

I just wish I had more friends and more stability.

I really wish I had the time between one people and the other to take a break and find my balance and myself within all the confusion.

I am consistenceless; I'm based on void.

[makes me a bit scared]

Wondering what I'm doing next. Let's see.

🌚

#Photography #landscape #Autumn #Memories #past #Present #future #Life

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Inspirational Quote

Do you find yourself constantly thinking about the past? Or do you stay up at night thinking about the day? Do you spend your days thinking about things that happened days or weeks ago?

Join my fb community for more daily content, workshops, and live events ---> facebook.com/groups/accordingtodes

#inspirational #InspirationalQuotes #Quotes #past #thepast

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Why does my heart keep have bubble pauses?

When I not under stress, this happens a lot now adays?

But I did have a weird heart pain in July 2018, where I wasn't able to hear, swallow, eat, drink or move. Than for five days I have zero appetite... A friend who studies medical told me to take a bear aspirin, it helped.
-
But my family took me to wait five days to see a doctor? My doctor told me it maybe do to stress, but when they took my xrays I wasn't aloud to see them? But my female doctor shown me on her cellphone photo..? They where concern of my odd looking heart but sujest it fine, but I couldn't inhale well.

#worries #past #healthconcerns #anexity

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Past

My past has help me to be strong and share my story To help other people with theirs
#PTSD #past #MentalHealth

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Trying to guess out what's going on

Hello everyone out there!

This is my first post on the Mighty ever, I was only a reader. But now I would like to ask for some help with my issues. I am trying to be short and don't bore anyone with my "life-story"...
So... I am diagnosed with OCD, what is relevant, but now this seems like something else is going on in my head... at least as I guess. About 1.5-2 months ago, at my workplace an old memory come up to my mind. It wasn't that type of thought OCD generates, it was a normal thing to remember something happened in the past, even if it's painful. With my colleauges, we were talking about childhood games because someone found a pack of 'action-cards' maybe, if this is their correct name. Those collectible, small cards with a hero on it, who had strength, life points, and so on... and I told they were great, because my classmates weren't fighting with each other, they 'beated' each other only on cards. Than, I mentioned "well... i wasn't the one who was fighting, but the wan who had been beaten by others..." We laughed at this, I was joking with it, but there is truth behind it. And if I would stop talking, it wouldn't be so awkward, but somehow, as I was wondering, I said it out loud: " Really, idk how that girl could beat me every day without any adults would have noticed it..."
Than my colleauges asked what happened with me, and I told them my story how i was beaten every day for a year in my second year of school... they seemed understanding, and i tried to myke a joke of myself... that's not the problem...
Since that, at random moments, more and more memories come to my mind... the sad and painful ones, just from nowhere. I mean I hear a word, a typical, every day used word, for example today I've heard my boss says 'ouch', and bang!, another bad memory... what i haven't thought about for years and doesn't matter anymore, because it's the past and i really didn't care about it, but they just come up... Can anybody relate to this or know what is this? I usually do my own research if I have any issues, but with this I don't even know where to start my research...
Thank you if you took the time and read my story.
P.S. Sorry for my English, it's a foreign language for me, but I am trying to improve it. 😏
#Askingforadvice #anxietydisorders #RandomBadMemories #past #Whatsgoingonwithme #MentalHealth #Undiagnosed new issue?

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Does Anyone Else Have Anxiety And Depression At Same Time??

Today I'm having a double dose of mainline mental disorders: Generalized Anxiety And Depression!! I STILL haven't figured out how these two seemingly Opposites in the Mental Health division ( mine!),can be present Together!? But they Are "in" me! Too many times to ignore completely,but my med appt is Next Monday,the 19th,so I'll get to bring it up-again!! If an increase of Seroquel pops up-again!- I just may throw a hissy fit! IF it Won't hurry me to Psych. Hospital!!, It's just plain weird to feel all the Anxiety AND Depression feelings at the Same Time! What and How will I? treat the One That's Uppermost in my mind? What if they're BOTH high?!?!What if I'm just Imagining it?! What If???!!
#MentalHealth ,#Bipolar 2,#Anxiety ,#PTSD ,#major Depression,#schitzoaffective disorder,#OCD ,#past Paranoid Schitzophrenia,#suicidal Thoughts,almost carried out,#Fear of most Anything,Esp.Abandonment,& going So deep in the Black Hole I 've made that I won't be able to get out of it;#FibromyalgiaDiagnosis ,#RA & Osteoarthritis,#restless Legs Syndrome,#sad -Seasonal Affective Disorder-me in both Summer and Winter,#Senior Moments(too many!),#Hissy Fits,#Inability To Know When To SHUT UP!!.

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