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    Throwback reflection

    There are times when what has been becomes suddenly much more real then usual.
    Not as a flashback - they're definitely different - but more like a realization that what's in my memories, in my patterns, in my body and mind has really happened, some time ago in my life.

    What surprises me the most is:
    I'm not fine, even though I'm better than in previous months and years, but, the hell, compared to before it's like I'm in Heaven.

    It doesn't bring me the positivity and mood switch I might expect, it weights the same, most of the times, but it surely helps me redimensioning the whole picture.
    I'm grateful, overall, for one thing: now, when I have my crisis, they're still bad and, sometimes, worse than other times years ago, BUT they're crisis: they happen from time to time. (I'm not talking about being on low mood; to me, before, it was much more than that: tentacles slipping out of my head trying to choke me and smash anything inside and around me).
    I can feel my mind clean, and, yup, I'm now crying, all of a sudden.

    I'd never wanna go back to before.

    A week ago I was writing a post I've never shared and, when recalling the bad effects the thing I was talking about had on me, I realized the list was very very long and very very painful and messy.
    What makes it often difficult for me to comprehend my patterns and problems is that I tend to hide them, and then forget about them, over the years.

    Thing is, there has been terror.
    I don't wanna include the details, because I'm aware that for someone they could be not nice.

    I shared this picture (search for Riftress on Pinterest, if you're interest - I really like these works) because it is one of the pics I saved back then.
    Something have sucked up my own self from my life and I think it was the exhaustion from that period.

    Crying helps me too.
    If now I'm crying, it means it really has been hard.
    Since I tend to hide and minimize, since people shared their issues with me and rarely listened to me, always ignored the signals I was pointing out and since things for me often changed - environmentally speaking - I tend to forget.
    To me, now, it feels like I'm based on a void past.
    It doesn't mean I'd wanna linger on it: just that in order to understand why I am the way I am today I need to recall.

    Times like this one, though, makes me wanna go back that before and erase everything. Why it had to be so damageful.
    Again, though, I tend to hide: none really witnessed in person any free expression of my mental state, so, then, it feel more righteous to minimize it. This confuses me.

    Though I think it's not fair to compair: the same trauma can have different outcomes on different people; that's why I think crying is helpful -> it spots out the fact that what I'm feeling and thinking about - recalling - has really been a hardship for me.

    But it seems impossible that all the dark lump has really left. Did it?
    Instead of feeling and expressing itself in dark and full of --- ways*, my mind's just flat. That's the new pattern, I guess.
    I've been backfired.
    * I don't really feel at ease sharing details, again, but I don't know how to express it.

    I still have issues to work on, sometimes - often - I just can take my mind anymore, I often have no energy to live my life, but sure it changed. Time heals.
    And I've understood myself and other people better, in the meanwhile, which has been another fundamental turning point.
    And I can't express how grateful I am whenever I get to become more aware then before. I love understanding.
    So - I still can change and for the better.
    There's and I have hope in it.

    #Reflection #throwback #Trauma #Crisis #time #Understanding #past #Memory #Pain #cry #Life #mind #pattern #backfired #Healing #Awareness #HealingProcess #exhaustion #Monster #illness #MentalHealth #growing #growth #Present #Hope #change #Grief #Energy

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    Help with work anxiety

    :) I am at a new job and usually struggle to find or keep employment, so far everyone is nice and the training is better than at other places, but guess don’t want to feel alone in my struggles hiding my mental health at the workplace, maybe eventually I can reach out for help if they are accommodating, they offer some mental health supports partnerships so I’m incredibly lucky. Thanks for any tips and sharing your own story or struggles with work anxiety.

    😊🙂🙂💕🙏 💼
    🌻🌷❤️🌸☺️🙂

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    #Newjob #Anxiety #coping #Trying #Hardwork #DoingMyBest #Hope #New #Life #struggles #Selflove #patience #growing #selfImprovement #resillience #Work #WorkAnxiety #Job #Brave #fears #Journaling #tryingtoovercomefears #SocialAnxiety #Coworkers #Nice #positive #positiveexperience

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    × " The Main Reason's Why I'm Starting To Love Who I'am As A Human Being... " × #progress

    × " I'm Realizing That I Love Being Alone... And Content.. I Also Enjoy Alway's Helping Other's Or Mentoring People.. Or Just Being There For Someone.... I Also Cherish My Solitude And Peace... I Hate D.R.A.M.A. × Argument's.. Yes! I Still Enjoy Writing My Poetry... But Work Has Gotten In The Way Lately... I'm Also Starting To Become A Workaholic.. Which Can Be Dangerous And Super Stressful All The Time... But My Physical × Mental Well-being Will Alway's Be My 1st Priority... I Will Alway's Be Kind To Other's.. Even Though People Are Mean And Rude Nowaday's For No Reason.. My Pure Big Heart Will Alway's Be Pure... No Matter What.. My Body " IS BROKEN AND WOUNDED " ... And My Mind Is Kinda Here And There.. My Hearing Is Fading Away.. But I'm Still Human No Matter If I'm A Broken Doll.." × Sincerly, ☆ SKADI ☆ #growing

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    I feel so stupid and so ridiculous. *forehead smack* 🤦

    A little while ago I posted about how I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend. I have now come to the conclusion that I was confusing my emotions. I did love him. I was in love with him, and I loved him with my whole heart and more. But our opinions are so different and how we think if so different, it never would've worked. And I'm okay with this, honestly. The reason I titled this "I feel so stupid and so ridiculous. *forehead smack* " is because I think that by the end, I knew that we weren't meant to be together, and through that, I began lusting for him. I've never wanted to have sex with anybody before. It was never something I thought about. My friends all talk about when they wanna lose their v-card and I just wasn't worried about it, never really cared. And then I met him. He opened up a new part of me and I confused lust for love in the end. I told him about it and he said it was weird, which I expected. Because it is kind of weird. However, it is how I feel. When l lose my virginity I want it to be with somebody I love, somebody who truly loves me. And that's where my thoughts stopped and I wondered. Because he just wants to lose it. He doesn't care if he's dating the girl or if he loves her. He said that it would help, but he doesn't care. Knowing this, and knowing how I feel about him work perfectly hand in hand. I think that because I was in such a state of learning that I wasn't completely broken (via him) that I was in a "fog" so to say, as to where I believed that I was going to, and wanted to spend my life with him. I don't want that. I want someone who is like him, but also completely different. I'm not sure that I want him even just as a friend in my life right now, but I know that he's in my life as he is for a reason. I believe that everything happens for a reason. So he is in my life, and me in his for a reason, whether this reasoning has happened yet or not is unknown, but we will learn soon enough. Either way, my point here is that I have finally learned how to evaluate my emotions to a point where I can look at them and know exactly how I feel. And I am very proud of this. 😁🥰

    #psychology #encouragingWords #encouragementquotes #encoragement #positivequote #PositiveThinking #quittingisnotanoption #MentalIllness #dontgiveup #MentalHealth #mentalhealthmatters #InvisibleIllness #mentalwellbeing #inspirational #inspirationalquote #Therapy #psychology #LGBTQ #Depression #Anxiety #Love #mensuck #Love #lusting #movingforward #teenagers #Toxic #Boyfriend #Ex #exboyfriend #Depression #Journaling #DistractMe #BipolarDisorder #selfcare #MightyPoets #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #letstalkdepression #PTSD #WorkingOnIt #growing

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    Daily Inspiration

    You have a desire to do something totally and completely different from who you are? Go for it! You can do it! #gettingoutofyourcomfortzone #Risks #MentalHealth #growing #Selfesteem

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    18 Years of Feelings, learning to process my childhood trauma and I wrote this. ✨

    Childhood

    Confusion
    Anger
    Guilt
    Shame
    Sad
    Lost
    Abandoned
    Neglected
    Ignored
    Silenced
    Voiceless
    Unloved
    Numb
    Rejected
    Unacknowledged
    Non-existent
    Pain
    Used

    Exactly eighteen words that come to mind, for eighteen years plus some that I now have to recover from.

    Biggest of all words is my final word that sums them all up in one.
    A-B-U-S-E-D

    This was something I wrote in August of 2020 I am just now understanding how severely my childhood has affected me and trying to process it. ✨

    #TimeToHeal #warrior #Survivor #Trauma #ChildAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #neglected #Healing #growing #learningtocope #Scars #findingmyway #Depression #SuicideAwareness #MightyPoets

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    I hope you’re #living a life that you’re proud of 🖤 #Springcleaning is in the air for us, although always tend to make room for more jewelry related supplies that are nicely placed as home decor 😉 due to this, I’ve thought about how far I’ve come now being in my 30s. in my younger years I could never say I’m #proud of myself or situations I was in and now I’ve created a life I love and continue to work on my #MentalHealth surrounded by amazing support. We all do things in our younger years that aren’t the best, we make mistakes, etc. While we are #growing others might not be, and you have to learn to be okay with not having those people in your life anymore. Even when my #mind is telling me the worst, I know I’ll be #okay - #randomthoughts #Thoughts

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    #Recovery #Healing

    The response to this question really hit home with me as I struggle daily to #cope with life in a healthy manner and still healing and #growing. #growth

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    Acknowledge Your #progress

    We all process and grow at different speeds, like a garden full of flowers just soaking up sun and water #growing as we were meant to. Don’t compare your journey to someone else’s, after all we are all different. #growth #progress