MyAutismIsNotADisability

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How the fuck do I go back and forth between “I really don’t want to die” and genuinely fearing death even though I’m 23 years old to wondering if I should’ve just been dead already?? Is positivity and negativity within me just a constant battle? Likely very much so. 😒

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Autistic #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Trauma #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

Last post for context: What do I do…?? | TW mentions of stress dreams and one swear

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I’ve moved out of where I used to live with my mom and one of my older sisters (has 3 kids now) 2 years ago. I think because it’s summer break for my 2 older nephews, I’m now getting a lot more stress dreams related to my mom and my older sister (my mom was the persecutor of emotional abuse, and I never liked my sister since she’s similar and agrees with her often).

I dropped out of high school after sophomore year many years ago because of being constantly overstimulated and high levels of stress and meltdowns I’ve had over there (especially when constantly trying to get the best grades in a very unnecessarily strict school, horrible place for autistic individuals like me!!). After that, I’ve noticed that more stressful dreams came up after that and it was almost everyday that I’ve gotten them at that point. Now, for that theme, it isn’t too much, usually 1to 3 times a week.

Now, I’m getting these stress dreams related to my mom and older sister constantly ever since late June. Before then, it was a mix of dreams of school and mom and sister for 1 to 3 times a week. Even when I’ve had great days, nothing has changed, not even yesterday. If I’m right, these dreams may last until late August when my 2 older nephews go back to school again. I really fucking hope not, I can only carry so much. I really don’t want them to fucking last for that long, I hate getting them and I don’t want to fucking deal with them anymore. I’m sick of it. How the fuck as I supposed to look forward to sleep now?!

I worry that if this continues for longer, I’m going to start feeling suicidal again. I can already feel that happening as I’m already fucking sick of these dreams every fucking day (there had been like 2 or 3 days where I didn’t had them, not consecutively, either). Why do I even have to fucking deal with this? Why did my early life had to be like this?!

#OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #Trauma #StressDreams #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Vent #triggerwarning #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Autistic

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Ever since the middle of last month, I’ve been having stress dreams pretty much everyday. It used to be just around twice a week… why? I hate this so much. I want it to be back to normal. It’s now pissing me off.

Is it just thanks to the crapload of stressors I’ve had? Of course it is, it has to be. The traumatic flashbacks, the interrupted routines, being done with Amazon, the news about Target and (I think) Dollar General (and yes, even though Target did apologize, as a minority I cannot fully trust them anymore until I see loads of genuine improvement moving forward), summer’s existence (I hate summer)…. even when I’m no longer stressed by these things at times, even when days were great, I’m still having stress dreams everyday…

I even had such a great birthday unexpectedly last month. All of this now just seems like a very rude awakening. I wish I’ve never turned another age…. 🙁

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Autistic #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #StressDreams #help #overstimulated #TickedOff #triggerwarning

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Welp, this month’s been shit so far in terms of mood. I hope I don’t feel like wanting to fucking die again.

#Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #AutismSpectrum #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #SuicidalThoughts

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You ever just wanna throw your hands in the air and say “fuck it all”? Well that’s exactly what I’m feeling right now. I feel like everything fucking sucks rn. America’s insane for having Trump TWICE (we could’ve have our second chance for a woman president BUT NOOOO, a Neo-Nazi got president again instead!), I’m so sick of everything being “AI”’d purely because of harmful shit like AI art for existing and not caring whether something labeled AI or not, CRYPTOCURRENCY LIKE BITCOIN IS HARMING THE FUCKING ENVIRONMENT, NFTS STEALS ART WITHOUT ARTISTS’ PERMISSIONS… I can go on. To the point where it’s becoming FUCKING UNAVOIDABLE like in Apple’s AppStore and of course there is ABSOLUTELY no way to turn these suggestions off, LIKE NO, STOP SUGGESTING ME AI ART GENERATORS AND CRYPTO!!!

I don’t fucking trust or like Microsoft or Google anymore because of the shit they’ve done (including AI art generators).

Still can’t even get a FUCKING DISABILITY PAYMENT after all of these FUCKING YEARS let alone get a lawyer because WE AREN’T RICH LIKE THAT, ESPECIALLY BEING SOMEONE OF COLOR! Even then, I’m sick of having my autism being the reason, because it is NOT a disability/disorder, my anxiety and trauma disorder are the real disorders!! Next time, it will NOT be autism as A reason, but honestly I just want to say fuck this process in general because I’m so sick of it and possibly being misgendered all over again (I’m non-binary).

Many things I used to like/go to I cannot anymore because of the fucking inflation and higher/change of free plans (which I do understand that plenty of it is thanks to 2020 event and virus that shall not be named).

Things could’ve been better this decade, but NO. THINGS HAVE NOT BEEN FUCKING BETTER!!!

(Don’t call me human, I identify as something else non-pessimisticly and spiritually. Words relating to the 2020 event trigger me, like highly upset me and will bring up bad feelings. Thanks for understanding.)

#VentPost #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #AutismSpectrum #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #angry #fedup #unfair #triggerwarning #venting #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #DoneWithEverything

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Triggers are real, and they are serious. Being “triggered” actually means that you’re having a very high level of stress, which can cause negative experiences like flashbacks, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, etc.

As someone who has many triggers, I’m so fucking sick and tired of running into YouTubers and many other individuals doing the “triggered” meme, it’s not funny, it shouldn’t even be a damn meme, it’s annoying and very misleading!! /vsrs /neg

If you can spread the word about this, that would be great, because I am so done with this BS.

#Vent #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #trigger #triggers #misrepresentation #AutismSpectrum

Why does the US government have to be so… ugh. My anxiety is a disability, and they don’t see it. Will I ever get my disability benefits? Should I just give up? This is the 3rd time, and I’m so freaking sick of having to explain to them that I’m non-binary for the 50th time. I poured all of my heart out about why I can’t work (reasons in the last post), and yet the judge has made the decision that it wasn’t enough and decided to take away the disability payments I was having for 3 months. My struggles aren’t enough. Would filing for another appeal for the 4th time be a waste of time at this point? Should I just give up? I’m so mad…

#hopeless #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #MYANXIETYISADISABILITY #ICantWork #unfair #sad #mad #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #FeelingUnseen

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Honestly, what the FUCK! I CAN’T FUCKING WORK! What is it that they can’t seem to understand?! My anxiety is a disability, damn it!!!

It’s been 3 FUCKING TIMES ALREADY, 2 FUCKING APPEALS, and I POORED ALL OF MY FUCKING HEART OUT ABOUT WHY I CANNOT FUCKING WORK, THE EMOTIONAL TRAUMA, THE EPISODES OF DEPRESSION, THE FUCKING HYGIENE ISSUES, MY SEVERE SOCIAL GENDER DYSPHORIA AS A NON-BINARY INDIVIDUAL AND AVOIDING MOST SOCIAL SITUATIONS OUT OF THE PURE FEAR OF BEING MISGENDERED, HATE BEING UNDER PRESSURE, HAVING MANY TRIGGERS! I was receiving payment for 3 fucking months, and NOW they’ve decided that my FUCKING STRUGGLES AREN’T ENOUGH?!?!

Honestly fuck everything. I feel like I’ll just never be truly seen by this US government. I’ve only just wasted my fucking time with them, and so really don’t feel like HAVING TO EXPLAIN TO THEM FOR THE 50TH TIME THAT I’M NOT MY BIRTH GENDER AND I AM NOT A BINARY GENDER!

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #MYANXIETYISADISABILITY #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #FeelingIgnored #thissucks #Trauma #angry #disappointment #LGBTQ #Loneliness #sad #Vent #venting

I hope this doesn’t come off as rude or anything writing this, I’m very sorry if this does, I’ll delete it if it does. I posted feedback to the app support about changing the tag/group from Autism Spectrum Disorder to just Autism as there are plenty of autistic individuals, including I, who feel uncomfortable with “disorder” or even worse “disability”. I don’t even use the popular Autism tag because of this. It’s been a week and no response, and I can’t help but get very anxious and worry that I’ll never get a response… I know it’s likely because they’re just busy, but my anxiety won’t shut up about this…

Edit: …You know what, I’m probably going to delete this post eventually, this feels so silly (in a bad way).

#Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #anxious