MyAutismIsNotADisability

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I’m unfortunately American, and I unfortunately still live in this cursed country. I’m black/mixed, chubby, aroace, non-binary, neorudivergent, and not rich, aka, I’m a minority. I’ve already lost all faith and hope for America when HE was elected again last year.

This country was not made for those lower than high-class. The whole system is already awful. So many businesses have already raised their prices on so many things, so many I’ve stopped using because I cannot fucking pay that much… we’re not made of money... And NOW thanks to him and his awful tariffs, it’s hitting companies and especially small businesses again. 2020 was already enough, and he thought THIS was wise? Talk about garbage!! Which means that some companies will be raising their prices again or adding surcharges… which in this case, I don’t blame them. I just cannot AFFORD it so I’d often just try to find a better deal so that I’m not just giving all of my money down the drain… the prices were already expensive enough, though I don’t blame them in this case.

It’s getting hard to live in this fucking country. Even though my dad’s the one taking care of the money situation and is a supervisor chef (aka he makes a lot) and we’re doing fine, I cannot help but feel bad for everyone at this moment, and money talk in general fucking stresses me the fuck out, I HATE it!!! Especially since I’m autistic and when change happens, it… I can’t take anymore of this. I already had a fucking panic attack last week because of an incorrect very high balance showing on my total therapy session statement, I just… I feel like I’m going to fucking explode if something money related happens again (which I’m probably gonna anyway… god I hate this society).

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #AutismSpectrum #Autistic #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #neurodivergent #Neurodivergency #Vent #triggerwarning #PanicAttacks #PanicAttack #ScrewTrump #MoneyIssues

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I feel like I’m not actually okay. Days can go great until one little thing happens. I was just crying five minutes ago because the bank me and my mom share took away the $25 I just transferred because there was already a negative balance that I was unaware of until now, and now I don’t have enough money to get what I planned to buy. It’s like if almost anything I plan doesn’t go the way I planned, I get very upset.

Crying is very normal and typical for me (I’m non-binary… idk, I just don’t want an assumption to be made that crying is a more “feminine” thing), but it seems like I’m just… crying for very little reasons these days. I mean, I do normally tend to get upset when things don’t go as planned and cry sometimes, but now I’m just.. crying more than usual throughout these recent years. But why? Is it because I just despise being out of routine or despise things I plan to do not going the way I wanted to? Is it because I’m just so sick of how the world has been lately and has been making me more impatient towards things? Is it because of my hormones being unbalanced? It might be all of these things.

I do see a therapist, but I just.. idk. Just writing my thoughts out here.

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #MentalHealth #AutismSpectrum #Autistic #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #moodswings #Neurodiversity

(Edit: Maybe the Mighty mobile app is just buggy for me, so sorry if this doesn’t seem right. I’ve had a tough day.)
I don’t get it. I wasn’t breaking any rules. I wasn’t looking for attention. This just feels straight up invalidating especially at times when I need to reach out to here the most. I’m starting to wonder if anyone actually cares…

What I wrote
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I feel like I’m such a mess. Some days I genuinely fear of dying it scares me, some days are great, and then there are days like today where I almost self-harmed and thought of killing myself. I have such big mood swings sometimes that it’s not even funny. It’s so fucking hard no matter how much I fucking try to ground myself. What and how the hell am I supposed to control this? I do see a therapist, and I’m on meds, but what the fuck? 😢

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #MentalHealth #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #AutismSpectrum #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #triggerwarning

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I feel like I’m such a fucking mess. One day I have a genuine fear of dying that it scares me, some days are great, and then there’s some days like today where I almost self-harmed and genuinely thought about killing myself whenever things went so wrong or out of routine. I have such big mood swings sometimes that it’s not even funny. What the hell and how the hell am I supposed to control this? It’s extremely hard for me to do it by myself no matter how fucking hard I fucking try. I do see a therapist, and I’m on meds, but… what the fuck? 😢

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #moodswings #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm

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I just had a freaking creepy nightmare and now I’m hesitant to go back to sleep. I wish sleep wasn’t a necessity. I feel like wanting to die.

I just upped my sleep medication to 2 pills instead of one right now because I’m so fucking tired of this. If this doesn’t work, perhaps I really should end my life. I can’t take anymore of this. The stress dreams have been way too fucking constant lately, and we have yet found out exactly why. Even I’ve gotten over my stressors at times and many days have been great, yet I still get them. It wasn’t like this before!!! 😢😡

Also, I really wish that there was a dark mode for the Mighty app. I’m a big dark mode user and I often have to dim my screen to the lowest brightness setting just to write on here. Just a feature suggestion!

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Trauma #StressDreams #dreams #Nightmares

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And not just because of that horrendous president. Everything costs so high these days, and more and more online programs are forcing us to pay for subscriptions and locking actual useful shit behind a paywall. What happened to stopping poverty?! We’re not made of money!! They’re only just making things worse…… even private and secure mail services like Mailfence.

And now I’m wondering about ending my life again. I’m just… so fucking sick of this shit. I’ve lost all faith in the US, and I hate being American. I’m sick of all of this talk about money and inflation, I’m sick of this president (why the fuck was he elected twice?!), I’m sick of feeling so ignored in this damn cruel world, I’m sick of this damn pain… I don’t want to be in a world that treats everyone and especially minorities so harshly…

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #FeelingKindOfHopeless

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I wanted a private and secure email hosting service, so I went with Mailfence a while ago. For some reason, I haven’t received all of my clinic’s emails, so I’ve found that you could whitelist them and maybe it’ll works. Unfortunately, that’s behind a paywall subscription, which I don’t freaking get. But I still looked at their subscriptions plans anyway and saw that they were pretty low, like one plan was almost $3 per month. I thought “well, that’s not too bad, I guess”. And then….. the next page told me that I would be paying for EVERY 12 MONTHS! So it was really $31.50 a year! It said NOWHERE else that it was a yearly subscription until this very moment. Are you fucking KIDDING ME?!?? I cannot pay all of that up front, we’re already paying for other shit. And of course, email and phone support is locked behind those fucking subscriptions, too. Unbelievable!!! I’ve spent so much fucking time trying to find an alternative to the evil Gmail from evil Google, only to be shitted on by “oh let’s pay so much money for this thing now” for the MILLIONTH TIME!! I ain’t paying that much for a fucking email service, like come on! Shouldn’t privacy and security be a FREE thing?!?!

Way too many businesses are expecting too much from us these days. Why the fuck does everything cost so much these days (both on the internet and in the real world)? What happened to stopping poverty, you’re only just strengthening it?? And I don’t wanna hear any of these companies say “oh, 2020 was rough and-“ IT’S 2025!! And even so, you didn’t need to skyrocket your prices up THAT high. And now you’re locking actually useful shit behind a paywall, too?! This enrages me. A simple WHITELIST feature is LOCKED BEHIND A DAMN PAYWALL. That’s ridiculous.

I feel like almost every fucking company is so money hungry these days, just fucking stop. Please. We’re NOT fucking made of money! Capitalism has gotten too far, at least in the US here (which I’m very unfortunate of living in as I strongly hate this country as an American), and I’m not just saying that because I’m anti-capitalist.

#anger #MoneyIssues #Anxiety #Vent #inflation #Vent #triggerwarning #MyAutismIsNotADisability #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #AutismSpectrum #Awareness #inflation #CapitalismHasGottenTooFar #StopThis #enraged

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How the fuck do I go back and forth between “I really don’t want to die” and genuinely fearing death even though I’m 23 years old to wondering if I should’ve just been dead already?? Is positivity and negativity within me just a constant battle? Likely very much so. 😒

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Autistic #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Trauma #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

Last post for context: What do I do…?? | TW mentions of stress dreams and one swear

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I’ve moved out of where I used to live with my mom and one of my older sisters (has 3 kids now) 2 years ago. I think because it’s summer break for my 2 older nephews, I’m now getting a lot more stress dreams related to my mom and my older sister (my mom was the persecutor of emotional abuse, and I never liked my sister since she’s similar and agrees with her often).

I dropped out of high school after sophomore year many years ago because of being constantly overstimulated and high levels of stress and meltdowns I’ve had over there (especially when constantly trying to get the best grades in a very unnecessarily strict school, horrible place for autistic individuals like me!!). After that, I’ve noticed that more stressful dreams came up after that and it was almost everyday that I’ve gotten them at that point. Now, for that theme, it isn’t too much, usually 1to 3 times a week.

Now, I’m getting these stress dreams related to my mom and older sister constantly ever since late June. Before then, it was a mix of dreams of school and mom and sister for 1 to 3 times a week. Even when I’ve had great days, nothing has changed, not even yesterday. If I’m right, these dreams may last until late August when my 2 older nephews go back to school again. I really fucking hope not, I can only carry so much. I really don’t want them to fucking last for that long, I hate getting them and I don’t want to fucking deal with them anymore. I’m sick of it. How the fuck as I supposed to look forward to sleep now?!

I worry that if this continues for longer, I’m going to start feeling suicidal again. I can already feel that happening as I’m already fucking sick of these dreams every fucking day (there had been like 2 or 3 days where I didn’t had them, not consecutively, either). Why do I even have to fucking deal with this? Why did my early life had to be like this?!

#OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #Trauma #StressDreams #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Vent #triggerwarning #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Autistic

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Ever since the middle of last month, I’ve been having stress dreams pretty much everyday. It used to be just around twice a week… why? I hate this so much. I want it to be back to normal. It’s now pissing me off.

Is it just thanks to the crapload of stressors I’ve had? Of course it is, it has to be. The traumatic flashbacks, the interrupted routines, being done with Amazon, the news about Target and (I think) Dollar General (and yes, even though Target did apologize, as a minority I cannot fully trust them anymore until I see loads of genuine improvement moving forward), summer’s existence (I hate summer)…. even when I’m no longer stressed by these things at times, even when days were great, I’m still having stress dreams everyday…

I even had such a great birthday unexpectedly last month. All of this now just seems like a very rude awakening. I wish I’ve never turned another age…. 🙁

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Autistic #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #StressDreams #help #overstimulated #TickedOff #triggerwarning