New Years Eve

I have loved Christmas for as long as I can remember. And at 50 I still love it. The lights, the magic, something in the air.
And for as long as I can remember this time of year makes my depression so much worse. I believe it’s from so many dysfunctional family get togethers, mom & dad fighting. And I’m sure some other stuff.
Just around Thanksgiving in 2011 my dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer. He was 72/73 years old. He didn’t want to do chemo or radiation.
This is how the next less than 2 months will go: Dad got diagnosed
Dec 9- dad’s birthday
Christmas
My birthday
New Years Eve
Jan 17- dad died
I have come to really not like having my bday between Christmas & New Years.
I spent today alone. I have “friends” I think, but maybe they are acquaintances really. No one invited me. No one asked what I was doing. Usually it’s at my sister’s but she didn’t feel like doing anything. I don’t want to be alone. This timeline is hard enough. Why doesn’t anyone care? What is wrong with me?

2019 brought both the best and the most productive things to my life. As hard as the year was, ultimately the stress was to rebuild myself after years of suppressing that I was struggling with depression (as well as a massive change at work but that is different stress.) For the first time in 7 years I was going to have a new year's kiss. for some reason, that means the world to me. I wasn't aware that my bf booked a trip to see his family where he did not return until the 3rd. I knew about him missing Christmas, which I was fine with. Not New Years. Not my version of Valentine's Day.

Long story short, my bf is an amazing man. this was not malicious. I am so angry that I'm acting like a child. I cancelled my backup NYE plans and ended up making sure I was in bed by 10:30. I cried before bed and ended up sleeping for 12 hours. I don't want to speak to him, I don't want to speak to anyone. I know this is irrational but I can't help it and know the only way to make it go away is to allow my emotions to get out so I can get through. It's been days though. It started on Sunday and is now at its peak. I'm so upset. I feel left out, lonely, like I wasn't considered or important. I've told him this but the feelings won't just leave. I'm so lonely and hurt.

Does anyone have any advice on how to speed up this "getting over it" process? I'm self aware enough to know it's ridiculous but another part of me can't stop the temper tantrum. I'm 29 and when I get hurt I still act like I'm 9 as far as being spiteful.

Thank you in advance for any advice or even just a story that makes me feel like others also go through this. #NewYears #NewYearsEve #Loneliness #selfawareness #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OCPD