selfawareness

The river current was so strong it dragged the cow the moment she leaned in to take a sip of water.

And when I saw that image, I laughed.

Like… really laughed.

Because why would the cow even put herself in that situation?

Why would she walk right up to something so obviously powerful, so clearly dangerous, and think, “Yeah… this feels safe. Let me just get a little closer.”

And then it hit me.

I am that cow.

Not metaphorically in a cute, poetic way.

No. Fully. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. Ungyngily.

I am that cow.

Because I have stood at the edge of things I knew could hurt me.

Things that already showed me their strength. Their unpredictability. Their ability to pull me under.

And I still leaned in.

Not because I didn’t know better.

But because I was thirsty.

Thirsty for connection.

For attention.

For softness.

For something that felt like a spark in a life that sometimes feels… quiet in the wrong ways.

And sometimes, when you’re that kind of thirsty, you convince yourself that you can control the current.

That if you just stay close enough to the edge…

If you don’t go too deep…

If you just take a quick sip…

You’ll be fine.

But currents don’t negotiate.

They don’t care how aware you are.

They don’t pause because you had good intentions.

They don’t say, “Oh, you’ve been through a lot? Let me go easy on you.”

They just pull.

And suddenly you’re not sipping anymore.

You’re being dragged.

And the scariest part?

It’s not even the first time.

That’s the part no one talks about.

Because at some point, you stop asking,

“Why is this happening to me?”

And you start asking,

“Why do I keep walking back to the river?”

Why do I keep choosing things that feel familiar but unsafe?

Why do I keep mistaking intensity for connection?

Why do I keep hoping this time will be different… when the current feels exactly the same?

And here’s the truth I’m still learning:

It’s not because I’m weak.

It’s because I’ve been thirsty for a long time.

And when you’ve been emotionally dehydrated…

even dangerous water starts to look like relief.

But I’m learning something new now.

I don’t need to fight the current to prove I’m strong.

I don’t need to survive another pull to prove I can handle it.

I just… need to stop going so close to the edge.

To pause.

To ask myself, “Is this water safe?”

Not just, “Does this look good right now?”

Because not everything that feels like a spark is meant to warm you.

Some things are just there to burn.

So yeah…

I laughed at that cow.

But now?

I get her.

And maybe the goal isn’t to never be her again.

Maybe the goal is to recognize the river sooner…

take a step back…

and finally choose water that doesn’t try to take you with it.

#adhdawareness #healingjourney #selfawareness #emotionalhealing #ToxicRelationships #traumabond #Breakthecycle #ADHDLife #neurodivergent #adhdawareness #Autism

Receiving my official diagnosis of recurrent major depression and anxiety hit harder than I expected. At first, reading the doctor’s note for my leave of absence felt surreal, like it was about someone else, not me. It was only days later, when I read it carefully, that I fully realized that person was me. Coming to terms with having a mental health disability was painful. I had to mourn the diagnosis and the idea of who I thought I was. It’s still hard to accept, but acknowledging it feels like the first real step toward healing. ##MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Diagnosis #healingjourney #selfawareness #MentalHealthAwareness #youarenotalone

No one talked about it. Yanno talk about mental health, any aspect relative to it..

My parents didn't tell me about any of it. They didn't give me any warnings or prepare me for what life could throw my way. They were too caught up on their own messy life struggling with their own mental health, but forgot the ones who relied on them were struggling too.

Adults in my life didn't talk about the reality of how hard life can be, all the emotions you will feel and how to deal with them especially pain (personally the hardest one), the confusing series of events you may go through, or how to even cope with loosing someone you loved.

There was too much left unsaid, not understood, lingering questions with no one to give answers I desperately needed as a child. I had to learn everything the hard way when it never had to be that way, it could've been so different.

So here I am talking about anything and everything. I couldn't continue the cycle which was never acknowledged to even have the chance to be broken..

Here I still am. I'm still here and there's a reason for that. I've gone through so much trauma, hardship, health issues, and pain by age 26. Neverminded the struggles and difficultly navigating my way through life and healing as a single mom of two beautiful daughters, ages 7 and soon-to-be 3 year old.

No one talked about it, but I talk about it now. I will continue to always discuss mental health and every aspect relative to it, especially with my children.

#Childhood #Stigma #genrationaltrauma #Breakthecycle #Family #MentalHealth #Awareness #Parenting #Life #Pain #Communication #Children #Singlemom #hardship #survive #speakout #childrensvoices #Health #advocate #makechange #Hope #childrenarethefuture #teachchildren #selfawareness #healingjourney

I have been on a very long journey struggling with #depression , #Anxiety and #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder . It took me yeas to figure out the whys. You see I’m an #HSP . It also took me years until coming across the work of Elaine Aron. Her research helped me understand some of my “whys”.

I now believe I was born with the innate temperament and personality of someone who is a deep processor, always needing to understand the meaning of the world around me. To be attuned to sudleties of what I was seeing….facial expressions, hearing….tones of voices , the energy around people. I was one of those children who everyone thought I was shy. Maybe I was but maybe I wasn’t. I believe I was just one of those children who was just able to pay attention to everything around me..I was always observing. I was very in tune and “sensitive” to the emotions around me, I have the capacity of a very strong empath. With all of this made me so easily overstimulated. This overstimulated and overwhelmed my nervous system from day 1. I was born in freeze. I couldn’t run or fight so I got stuck in freeze. That’s how I manage overwhelming situations…I crash….. I have had 3 major breakdowns.

I was not born into a violent home, but it was a chaotic and anxious one. I only found out last year that we literally moved the day my mother and I left the hospital. Was on a train to another city and new home. I was the 4th child. My eldest sister was only 6 at the time. My father was finishing his studies and that was the priority it seems. You see my father was a grandiose narcissist and in our household only his wants were focused on and still were until he passed away in 2021. A wife and 4 children were not necessarily as high on that list of priorities. How can there be peace and calmness with 4 children. A 6yr old, a 5yr, a 3yr and a newborn.

I was always told I was a screamer, crying and having tantrums. I wasn’t suffering from colic or anything like that. Unfortunately instead of hugs, nurturing and assurances all my earliest memories were of frustration and impatience. My brother who was only 3 years older than me used to torment me and get me riled up. My mother used to come and yell at me to stop crying so eventually I did. I’m 53 years old and I still rarely cry.

I mention the above to express that there does not need to be extreme traumatic events to impact a person’s ability to shut down their nervous system to the point of being able to shut down their emotional responses. To become disconnected and find ways to dissociate away from feeling.

It may seem like a leap to get to why I posted the image with a list of inner critics.

I came across a Ted talk about dealing with uncomfortable emotions a few years ago (Joan Rosenberg emotional mastery on YouTube if anyone is interested)

After watching it recently it was finally beginning to register that I need to connect to my feelings but there was so much internal resistance. For me I had been already working with the concepts Internal Family Systems (IFS). This approach has the understanding that each of us are made up all these “parts” of self. If dealing with trauma of any kind the fragmented a person can become. I at a young age compartmentalize my emotions.

My inner critics become the most viscous parts of me as they want to protect my most vunerable and sensitive parts of me. For me without this way of exploring what gets in my way I just continue in circles. Stuck in my own head and just believing I’m just fundamentally screwed up and only able to identify what’s wrong with me. That depression, anxiety, bipolar and CPTSD are life sentences I cannot escape.

Working on managing my emotions and working with parts work especially my inner critics I’m finally taking charge. The Ted talks helped me realize that my “inner critics” were not letting any of my emotions flow naturally. In their misguided way think it’s helps. All those times I got upset for my emotional responses. The weird paradox of having bad feelings about havin* feelings in the first place. This is a very unhealthym unhelpful viscous circle. This may not make sense to anyone but maybe it will. This has taken me years of struggling, suffering. Years of on and off therapy. A deep processing mind that just kept looking for anything that made sense to me. So lots of trials and errors.

It’s not easy work but it a very tangible course of action that I’m conquering my mind for a change rather then my mind always conquering me. That’s why I’m sharing the image with the list of inner critics. When they are left in charge my life is miserable. I need to show them empathy and compassion. Thank them for protecting me all these years but they can back down because my innate sensitive, empathic authentic self is getting strong enough to take charge.