pain

If I have learnt one thing in my 65 years on this planet it’s this, you will never know what a day will bring.

Last night when I hopped into bed my heart started having intense palpitations like I have never experienced before. I put it down to the raft of pain meds I am on after major dental surgery last week.

I woke at 4am and as soon as I stood up the world started spinning and I crashed onto the floor. Unfortunately this woke my Wife and she was instantly concerned. I assured her I was ok and must have slipped. I tried getting up again and this time crashed down harder. She had the presence of mind to get my blood pressure machine and it registered 88 over 64. Normally my bp is about 130/90. I knew trying to get up again was futile so we called an ambulance.

I was devastated. Over the past few years there have been 10 surgeries my Wife has nursed me through and emotionally she is exhausted. Here we were another medical emergency.

She didn’t come in the ambulance with me. I assured her I understood and was fully supportive of her decision. Two years on if she hears the words “code blue” she freezes. I am ok with the words as I have no recollection of the incident.

Self pity started knocking on my door today. I sent it away. Yes, it’s a major disappointment and the CT scan of my brain won’t be reviewed until tomorrow as it’s a public holiday today.

Whatever happens I know, in Australia we have amazing medical care. It’s not cheap but it is extremely good. My family made sure someone was with me all day. Many people have no one.

I didn’t break a bone which is amazing considering my current poor bone density.

I thinks it’s critical we never try and intertwine depression and self pity together. Depression is not a choice. It’s a medical condition. It’s horrendous. It doesn’t discriminate.

Yet, in spite of what’s happening around me, God help me to see what is going right even though there are many things going wrong.

The photo is my youngest Granddaughter. She had the miseries one day and wanted everyone to know about it. As is her way, 5 minutes after the photo she found reasons to be grateful. May I always follow her great example.

Hi everyone. Three days ago I went into hospital and had all my upper teeth removed and dental implants put in their place. This is a decision I have been putting off for a few years but the deterioration of my teeth left me without many options.

Practically this means only soft foods for the next 4-6 months. As you can see from the photo I look like a teddy bear at the moment. Since that photo black eyes and black cheeks have emerged. I am trying to focus on the end results. The swelling will retreat and the black eyes will heal. It’s the yucky in between season I hate. I am sure you can relate.

So, I started a new job last Monday. I was so excited to move on from a very stressful place that wasn’t helping me grow. But since I started it has been more different than I thought it would be. My new manger has been training me, but tbh she shouldn’t be training people.. the things I do know it seems like she’ll be with me then, but when I need help or to ask questions I tend to get ignored at first or she reacts like I’m bothering her or like I’m a total idiot for asking. For some reason she seems to think telling me or walking me through something once or twice is going to make it magically stick.

I thought it was getting better, that things were clicking but then Monday came and I am somehow the biggest failure ever again.. she wanted me to multitask more since there’s a lot of that at our desk, but I also don’t completely know how to do some things yet! It takes me longer or is harder to switch around because I don’t understand certain tasks in the first place. She asked me at one point why it was taking me longer today and I said I was getting confused by a few things and it slowed me down. I was doing well and keeping my “this is for work, not friendships” mindset while chugging along. But at the end of the day I asked if I should stay to call for reminders and she was like, “you haven’t called yet??” And I told her I didn’t get the chance to. I had a couple hours taken out because a new hire orientation I had to attend virtually as well as us just being super busy. She said no, it was time and I should go and that we can’t be taking all day to do one task.

First of all, how did you not know I didn’t call? I’ve been sitting next to you almost all day. And second, I’ve been here one week and have repeatedly said that we didn’t have to touch a lot of this at my old job. Im still learning! I multitasked differently there because it was a different environment and I knew what I was doing!

That last thing right as I was leaving broke something though. I had to rush to my car so I could bawl my eyes out.. I wasn’t able to actually drive home for about 20 minutes. I’ve also been feeling sick and ended up skipping eating lunch and sipping ginger ale instead. Got sick a bit after I got home too. Managed some oyster crackers and continued the ginger ale after though.

I feel so lost and defeated. I really do not want to go to work tomorrow because my confidence feels totally shot (what little I had). I miss my old job and coworkers even if I didn’t get paid enough and the newer insurance there sucked.

My poor bf too. I feel like I complain so much but I also don’t want to bottle things up and not tell him what’s going on, I also need to go back to therapy really bad. Maybe that would help. Does anyone have any advice or encouragement? Please?

Sorry for the novel.. idk where else to go with all of this rn. And this is just a fraction of it 🙃 #Newjob #Defeated #Anxiety #Depression #ADHD #Migraine #MentalHealth #Fibromyalgia #JointHypermobilitySyndrome #HypermobilitySyndrome #Pain

It’s 4am here in Australia. I have been awake for several hours because of relentless pain. 5 days ago I lifted something the wrong way and immediately felt intense pain in my back. This pain coupled with the ongoing leg pain from my post accident surgery has been extremely debilitating.

So I ask you please for prayer support. I am really struggling to make this post and have wrestled with it for a few days. Here in The Mighty I strive to be encouraging and supportive as best I can. I feel a weight of responsibility to uplift people and help them because through my own journey of mental illness I know that many people suffer in silence or don’t have a great support network of other people.

However, at this point of time I can’t be silent because I really seemed to be well on the road of recovery and this feels like a major setback and perhaps more concerning my mind has gone to some pretty dark places.

I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised by the increase in leg pain. A few weeks ago I was doing 300 steps a day, yesterday was 4000. After church on Sunday we are going away to our favourite beach hotel for 4 days. We booked this before the accident knowing that after December and January, two of the busiest months every year, we will need some R and R. Little did we know then how important this break would be.

So, I request your prayers. Just knowing I am not alone at this time would mean the world to me.

There are some posts you really hesitate making, this is definitely one of them. Today I feel like a fraud. At church this morning I really didn’t want to be there and I really didn’t want to engage with anyone. Yesterday I started to feel very unwell with debilitating chest pain. My Wife asked me if I thought it was cardiac related. Given my recent history of major heart surgery it was definitely a valid question. The truth was I wondered if it was cardiac but the thought of yet another ambulance ride and another hospital admission was more than I could handle. I thought if it is an heart issue then maybe I would get to heaven and frankly that sounded good. It’s been 8 weeks since my accident. That’s 8 weeks of constant pain and my resolve is getting low.

Today my digestive system isn’t keeping any food in. And I am crazy tired. I have been sleeping a lot lately during the day which isn’t normal but I have forgotten what normal is. No one at church realises what a state I am in. I keep carefully prepared walls around me because I know if they did know they would all want to visit, cook etc and I just don’t have the energy to entertain people. Those walls though have created an environment where I am feeling like an isolated fraud. All I can manage now is to lay in the guest bedroom bed. I am too tired to read or watch tv.

I have managed to get appointment tomorrow with a doctor. I don’t know what to tell her. I think I will try and articulate I am scared that I am behind on my recovery and I want a review of my pain medication regime because I don’t think it’s keeping up with my pain levels. I am allergic to some pain medication and OxyContin has no effect on me. I am wondering if my current pain medication is also ineffective. My surgeon is overseas for another 2 weeks, the rehabilitation program is closed until Jan 6. I have no idea what I should be expecting at this post operative point.

Here on The Mighty I am often seen as an encourager. Today I feel like nothing but a fake. I am drowning and I can’t even find myself a life preserver. The physical pain is relentless and I am worn out.

The photo is a view outside the guest bedroom I am staying in. It offers a glimmer of hope.

Like a car in wintertime, it doesn't want to turn off = tremors.

Sit down —> engine knock

Cross my legs —> engine knock

Sneeze —> engine knock

Things that have helped: Heat/warmth (a blanket, sunning yourself). Stretching or exercising the leg. Holding or pressing the knee in place. Oral baclofen.

What has finally stopped it was getting a baclofen pump. Like what has helped country star Clay Walker (search for our recent post about him), this hockey puck-sized implant feeds powerful micro-doses of baclofen (a muscle relaxant) directly to your spinal cord. If the tightness, pain and fatigue of spasticity starts taking over your life, ask your specialist about this option. I've had this for eight years and it has changed our lives. Hit me up if you have any questions.

#MultipleSclerosis #Disability #Pain #Spasticity #Caregiving

Glad to be here! #Bipolar #Dbtskills #Borderline #Pain