I've been trying to avoid OnlyFans, but it hasn’t been working. The way she makes me feel is all-consuming, especially when the job hunt is still leading nowhere. I’m stuck in this apartment that I can’t afford, and the dark thoughts keep creeping in. I’m exercising less, showering less, brushing my teeth less. Then, I found a glimmer of hope—an Instagram influencer who talks about breaking away from social norms and living a life of financial freedom. In my desperation, I was drawn to it.
She always says in her stories to DM her to talk about getting started. So, I did. She asked me how old I was and where I was from. When I told her, she said that considering where I’m from, the fastest way to make money on the side would be in crypto. I believed her and followed her advice. I opened an app to buy crypto, and she set me up with another app called Coda Investments Limited. It looked legit—I even got a KYC status.
She started me off with a live trade, and it seemed good. I was making money. She told me that the next signal would be even better, that I’d make more money, and I believed her. I did it again and again, using credit to fund these investments. Now my credit is almost maxed out, and I get a notification saying my trading bot needs to be upgraded. They want $14,550 USD in Bitcoin to reactivate it and give me access to my portfolio.
My heart sank when I told her about it. She said to speak with support and that if I offered a small installment, they should allow me access to my funds. But when I talked to support, they were evasive and raised even more red flags. They wouldn’t provide any documentation or literature about this supposed fee, just generic answers. I finally caved and asked for the minimum payment, which they said was $2,300 USD. I maxed out my two lines of credit and my credit card to come up with the money. He told me my funds would be available in a few hours.
The next day, he told me there was a mistake—it was actually $3,500 USD. I told him I didn’t have that kind of money. I told him the truth: that I have nothing left. My checking account is empty, my savings are gone, my credit is maxed out. I have no rent money, no grocery money, I can’t even do my laundry. I'm nearly $40,000 dollars in debt as opposed to $7000 just a little over a week ago. He just said, “Well, just pay the money, and you’ll have access.”
I told the influencer, and suddenly she turned into a different person. She just told me, "Don’t worry about it, you’ll be fine, just pay the money." I kept thinking, how can she be so bold, portraying this life on Instagram while running this investment scam? It can't be real because it only takes one person to expose her. But now I’m stuck, and no one in their company is helping me.
I managed to get through the night despite all the dark thoughts, including driving my vehicle into the river. I'm to ashamed to tell my father. His anger atop my shame, and guilt would break me, let alone him, who's recovering from a heart infection. I’m not that cruel, even if I don’t get along with the guy. But now I’m facing the reality that I might have to go back to my hometown, the last place I want to be. The crooked police that gave me PTSD, and there’s all the emotional baggage—the fair-weather friends, the ex-wife, the family. I might have to live out a meaningless existence in my parents’ house, drowning in debt, unable to even afford bankruptcy.
I can’t even get a job. I’ll just have to live off disability and hope I can pay off the debt before I die of natural causes. That’s where I’m at. I haven’t showered in days, haven’t brushed my teeth in days, trying not to think about the OnlyFans girl in a transactional relationship that I know isn’t supposed to go anywhere. It’s the only place I find any semblance of happiness.
Meanwhile, I’m stuck in what’s likely an investment scam. On top of that, I answered a casting call ad on Instagram and got accepted. I used credit while I still had it to make the first payment, but I won’t be able to make any more. I’ll have to switch tiers, but even then, I don’t know if I want to keep doing it. Acting has always been my dream, but I’m so depressed that I don’t even know if it’s worth it anymore.
Despite all this, what frustrates me most is the awareness of how irrational this all is, yet I feel powerless to change it. I know that these feelings—this obsession, this fear, this hopelessness—are driven by a chemical imbalance and past trauma. I can rationalize the situation: I know I should step away from OnlyFans, stop pouring money into what’s likely a scam, and focus on rebuilding. But the weight of it all, the ingrained habits, and the fear make it nigh impossible to act on that knowledge. I can see the right path, but I can’t seem to take it.
I just hate that we're such an emotional species. One of the only differentiating factors about us as animals, compared to other animals, is our ability to emote in a way that allows us to reason differently and basically create, fabricate idealistic landscapes of fantasy, and philosophize with our imaginations. The power of these thoughts has the ability to do what it does to me, just completely debilitate and take me out. These thoughts are just mere fabrication. If I actually thought more with my logic brain, as opposed to my emotional brain, life would be so much easier.
But all it takes is an imbalance of chemicals, in my case serotonin, environmental factors, and trauma to render myself into this state of paranoia and borderline personality disorder and the entire goodie bag of other mental health issues. I hate that trauma can damage a brain in such a way that habits can be so ingrained, that doing the best thing actually seems scary, that I'll subconsciously self-sabotage myself from doing the right thing. I mean, it just seems so illogical and stupid, and yet I can be so self-aware and see it, and rationalize it, and still do nothing. I mean, that's beyond frustrating.
I can look at my situation with Jane and say that she's not worth my time, that it's a transactional relationship, that she's not emotionally invested, that I deserve better, that I should have left a long time ago, that I consistently waste my money on content that is fleeting, that it's just a quick dopamine dump, that I would flourish without her, and that if I actually committed the amount of time on Jane and video games, into the gym, that I would be so much more fit, and have so much more energy, and be so much more happy.
And yet here I am, in my bed, depressed. It’s very difficult not to feel lost when it feels like my world has come to an end—like everything’s closing in and crashing down around me. I’m trying to stay positive, but it’s really hard when there’s this dark void of uncertainty staring back at me. I feel like I’m on the precipice of life, just trying to figure out how to survive the night. And the endless circle of suffering continues. Round and round I go.
That’s the long and short of it—my life feels like one big joke. Knowing how irrational this all is, but knowing and changing it seem worlds apart. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ParanoidPersonalityDisorder #Depression #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #IntermittentExplosiveDisorder #PTSD
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