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Sad memories

this is a bit of a confession I never talked about. I was 5 when I had my first plan to commit suicide. I told my mom about it and I remember talking for hours just her asking why I would and why I felt the way I did. She forgot everything the next day. I thought it was normal for people to want to kill themselves since then. I was. Eing bullied by teachers students and the parents or the students. Non of my older siblings did anything about it while I was crying on the bus. They never comforted me nor asked me what was wrong they wished I had never been born. ##Depression #PastTrauma


All of my past traumas are haunting me #ChronicPain #Depression #PastTrauma #Homealone #SexualAbuseSurvivor

I’ve been home, unable to work for the last year. I spend about 80% of my time alone. I’ve always had intrusive thoughts, but when I was working, I was too busy to let them ruminate for long.
Since my back surgery eight years ago and my pheochromocytoma, I’ve had zero sex drive. My husband has been so supportive and loving to me even though we haven’t had a sexual relationship for more than three years now. After I had to have emergency surgery last year and then my back and knee gave out, all I had to do was stay home and watch the world unfold.
Then the Brett Kavanaugh hearings started. I’ve always been keenly aware of #MeToo and the impact of it for the future, but it didn’t really hit me until then. At the same time a tv programme came out about the religion I left and the proliferation of sexual abuse not brought to light.
Since all that, I can’t keep the thoughts out of my head about what happened to me; as a child, then a teen and through my younger and not so younger years. Also, the medical traumas. There have been so many.
I finally got in to see a psychologist, after waiting six months. We had two sessions and now it’s been decided that counselling would be a better fit for me. With a 3-4 month wait. Again.
Right now, I’m feeling a lot of those old traumas invading my mind again. I really don’t know what to do. I can’t take an antidepressant because of the other meds I’m on, and my doctors seem to pay no heed when I bring up these issues.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this? If so, how are you coping?


Suicidal Ideation #Sucidialthoughts #help #PastTrauma #ED #Selfharm #Recovery #why #Hatemyself

I’m so tired of having these thoughts. My life is so much better and I should be happy. I’m a college student now and things are good. Yet, here I am thinking about suicide and ed and self harm. I haven’t had a relapse and I want to live my life. But, at the same I fantasize about killing myself and want to. And it’s not about wanting to escape or anything like that anymore. Because there is no reasons anymore for me to want to die. I just do and I hate it.

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I feel useless!

Yesterday my daughter’s grandmother gave her the biggest most heartfelt hug I’ve seen, she held her and gently rocked her and she looked so happy (she’s 10 by the way, she’s not a small baby)and it made me feel so bad that I can’t do that for her. I feel like that should be me that does that for her. I don’t even know what that feels like. No one ever held me or loved me like that ever, I never had anyone by my side growing up, I have always been distant and unafectionate and awkward so I don’t even know how to be that way. I do everything for her and I’m on top of everything, it just hurts me that in the small things that are supposed to come naturally to me like this I come short. #Depression #PastTrauma

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Okay not to be okay?

I feel like I always have to pretend to be okay, as people don’t really understand or want to know. I am sick of being told ‘don’t be silly or stupid’ for how I feel or just being blatantly ignored when people ask you to talk about your feelings, so it always seems the better option to pretend I am okay and just to deal with everything alone. #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicPain #SuicideSurvivor #ChronicIllness #MultipleIllnesses #MultipleDisabilities #PastTrauma #RapeSurvivors #DomesticAbuseSurvivors